Oh, Aquaman...will you ever win?

It may well be passe by now to rip on Aquaman.

No, you know what? It's not. Sure, the aquatic avenger isn't the most original target of ridicule, but he's no less a legitimate one. I want to give the guy a chance, but things never seem to work out. I've been reading a bunch of DC Comics for the last 5 years or so, and I have no idea what version of the character is running around right now.

Part of the reason Aquaman gets no respect from fans is that he gets so precious little from the creators that make his stories. Reading the early issues of "Justice League of America" via the "DC Showcase Presents" trade paperback makes me think this has always been the case, with Arthur Curry an afterthought even then.

Take, for instance, issue #1, "World of No Return," in which Despero captures our heroes and transports them in groups of two (convenient how villains so often accommodated the series' format by splitting them into pairs that could each get their own chapters) to strange other worlds.

Aquaman and Green Lantern find themselves on "the water-world of Thanakon." Yep, "water-world." Not only that, the crisis is a "huge burning glass in the sky" that is magnifying the sun's energy and evaporating the oceans. This should be Aquaman's time to shine, right? I figured GL would be stung by a yellow jellyfish, forcing the league's resident mariner to step up and save the planet.

Well, in a way, he does, true, by summoning the octopi of Thanakon and commanding them to the surface, but it's Green Lantern who lifts them up on the lens with his power ring. Worse, while Aquaman bosses the octopi into releasing black ink to blot out the lens, the whole thing is Green Lantern's idea. The resident lord of the sea couldn't come up with this plan? Not according to writer Gardner Fox. A tailor-made situation for Aquaman to justify his presence, and he needs Hal Jordan to figure it all out. Come to think of it, Lantern could have used his ring to scoop up the octopi himself and then, I don't know, poke them or something to make them release that black ink.

The chapter ends with Aquaman wishing they had a way to get back and join their fellow League members, and of course it's his buddy GL who thinks of one. That's Aquaman in these stories: nice guy to have around if you've got a job for a fish, but not so clever on his own. It's like someone needs to tell him to tell the fish what to do, and when telling fish what to do is your main distinction, well, it looks pretty bad.

Maybe his portrayal in JLA is an aberration, although years of reading later stories and watching "Super Friends" makes me doubt it. If I buy an Aquaman collection, will I see the guy kick a, take names, and act like a superhero who knows what he's doing?

Wonderful World of TCM: 36 Hours

Last week, I watched "36 Hours," a WWII flick I had recorded months ago off TCM. Star James Garner is always worth watching, but the premise also intrigued me: Garner is a U.S. Major captured by the Germans. In an effort to trick him into revealing the plans for D-Day, a dedicated American-born Nazi psychologist spearheads an elaborate hoax to convince the soldier the war has ended and hat he's in a U.S. hospital facility instead of a German prison camp.?

Sounds pretty cool, no? Well, it is, and I think it works fairly well if you can accept the bad guys going to all the trouble they do to deceive one man. Actually, the ringleader (played by Rod Taylor) does get a lot of hassle from the S.S. while he's trying to execute his scheme, which sort of gets across the idea that it wouldn't be so easy, but still...

When "36 Hours" sticks to that concept and depicts the physical and psychological tricks the Nazis use to deceive Garner (including Eva Marie Saint as a fetching, friendly nurse), it's an interesting film, if never quite as tense as maybe it should be. However...

[SPOILER AHEAD]

When Garner discovers the ruse, things just fall apart a bit, and while there could have been some interesting directions for the screenplay to take at that point--like maybe a tortured Garner beating himself up for revealing too much--it doesn't really go there, instead becoming a conventional escape flick.

While the latter part of the movie has virtues, such as John Banner as a mercenary refugee smuggler of sorts, it doesn't live up to the promise of that intriguing setup. Still, if you're into WWII movies or James Garner, it's worth a look.

Speaking of being into James Garner (and who isn't?), Encore Westerns is running the classic western "Maverick" in chronological order (including the Jack Kelly episodes) weekdays. Setting aside its aversion to showing letterboxed versions, this is really an underrated network that has not yet abandoned everything pre-1970. Together with "Rifleman" and "Bat Masterson," "Maverick" makes a durned fine rootin'-tootin' lineup.

Arnold Ziffel Saved My Life Tonight

A conversation I had with my wife at Target a week or two ago:

(She had a shopping cart filled with essential baby items, and I met her after exploring the children's books...and other sections.)

ME: Hey, they had a few cute books in the dollar bins. I got these ones.

(I dump them in the cart)

HER: Great.

ME: And, uh...this, too...

(At this point, I kind of slide a two-pack of Green Acres Seasons 1 and 2 into the cart)

HER: Do you need that?

ME: Yes. Why, yes, I think I do. It's only 20 bucks for both seasons.

HER: Yeah, but do you NEED it?

ME: Yeah, I need it. As a matter of fact, I do.

HER: You really NEED it. You'll die if you don't buy that right here today.

ME: Yes. It's such a great deal that I think if I pass it up, I might well die here in the store if I don't buy these DVDs.

HER (with a small sigh): All right.

Folks, just between you, me, and the government filters that monitor the entire Internet, I may have told a slight untruth there, as I didn't really NEED seasons 1 and 2 of "Green Acres." But I sure as heck wanted them, and at that price, I couldn't resist. I always neglected the show in the past because I lumped it in with "Beverly Hillbillies," which I never cared for, and only recently did I discover how wrong I was.

So, you know, baby formula, diapers, and DVDs. The essentials, right?

This Week in DVD

I'm keeping it brief this weeks, folks, and while I was going to write that I had a hectic week, really it's just my apathy for this slate of new DVDs.

21: You used to get movies about kids putting on a show. Now you get movies about kids going to Vegas and trying to break the bank with card-counting systems. Eh, 6 of one, half-dozen of another.

Movies about Music: Warner has an assortment of jazz-themed films for us this week, and while I am mostly unfamiliar with the offerings, I can recommend the intriguing blend of music, noirish elements, and suspense that is "Blues in the Night."

Spaced: The C0mplete Series: I tried one episode of this on BBC America a while back and couldn't get into it, but given the pedigree and what I read about it, I want to give it another shot. American Beeb, by the way, is running all the episodes to coincide with the U.S. DVD release, and after a Sunday marathon of selected shows, they are showing the complete run weeknights...at 3:00 A.M.! Yippee! Hey, BBC America, can you spare the hour of airtime? Yeah, I could tape them, but I think I'll hold out for the unedited versions.

Retro TV comes to Cultureshark Tower

For months now, I've read about the fledgling Retro Television Network, a national service that lets its affiliates choose customized schedules from its available programming. RTN, which is signing up mostly digital subchannels of network affiliates, seems to have several different library deals, as it has offered a wide variety of old-school television programming. Oh, how I've wanted access to this network. It apparently shows time-compressed episodes, but, hey, it sounds like it's better than the hacked-up slop airing on TV Land (which is of course abandoning old shows in favor of stuff like "Scrubs" and the forthcoming "Third Rock From the Sun."

It was announced that the local ABC station was signing on, and I was thrilled. I think just about every other day since, I've looked for info about what this market's schedule would look like. Then it was announced July 28 would be the launch date, and I became even more obsessive about trying to find listings. What cool shows would I be able to see in reruns? RTN staples like "The Fugitive," "The Untouchables," or "Perry Mason"? Maybe "Get Smart" and "Kojak"?

Well, the schedule is here, and it looks pretty good, though none of those 5 shows is on it. Apparently, the launch of the WJLA RTN service coincides with a big overhaul in the RTN lineup. It looks like they are switching from a Paramount-heavy selection to one dominated by Universal. As much of the Paramount output is on DVD or coming out, I'm not too upset about that. Actually, I'm really excited about what's coming here.

The schedule, which I wish I could link to, but there isn't a real easily linkable one available that i know of, features a lot of junk in prime time, stuff like "Knight Rider" and "A-Team." No offense to fans, but I don't need to relive those shows. Similarly, "Magnum P.I." has had plenty of exposure in recent years, and it and "Simon and Simon" are all over Sleuth, anyway. But it's a darned good thing that there are so many shows that don't interest me (Sorry, "Airwolf" and "Kate and Allie") because otherwise I would never get anything done.

In addition to mainstays like "The Incredible Hulk," "Quincy," "Rockford Files," and "Alfred Hitchcock Presents," there are rarer shows like "Ironside" and "Marcus Welby." "Sheriff Lobo" and "That's Incredible" make a cheesetastic Sunday evening combo. Westerns like "Wagon Train" and "Laredo" dot the weekend lineup.

There are shows I haven't seen in years and years, like the old John Forsythe sitcom "Bachelor Father" (seen on the old CBN for a while), "Run For Your Life," and "It Takes a Thief (the latter two used to be on WOR's Universal 9 national feed)."

Best of all are shows I have never seen, such as "Switch," 'The Bold Ones," and "Kraft Suspense Theatre." "Kraft Suspense Theatre!" Has that early-1960s anthology series (I had to look it up) ever been syndicated?

I am not gonna watch all of this or probably even most of it, but it's great having a channel that is commited (1980s shows aside) to showing the kind of vintage TV product that hasn't been run to death on other outlets lately.

It's odd that Universal's "Kojak," which I was really looking forward to, is not on my RTN. It's also strange that NBC-Uni is sitting on Slueth Channel, which could be showing many of these programs but instead shows the same handful of series multiple times a day along with many of the same old, same old movies.

So now we have several decent alternatives to the fading TV Land. American Life is a great source for Fox and MTM shows, RTN has the Universal library covered, and Encore has started showing "Maverick," with rumors floating that it'll pick up more of Warners westerns. The funny thing is, it looks like the Paramount shows are now out of a reliable outlet, though TV Land was "in the family" and presumably could have been used to showcase their classics.

Me, I'm getting ready to check out what RTN is offering. I can already hear my DVR moaning in anticipation of the wear and tear I'm gonna put on it.

True Confessions: Can't Stop the Music

I must come clean, folks. Despite being a strong advocate of TV networks--especially premium and digital cable ones--showing films in their original aspect ratio, I watched an altered film recently, one I had recorded from Flix. Hey, I was lured in by the opening credit sequence, which was gloriously letterboxed, and I was so into the movie that when the picture squeezed, I couldn't...

Aw, who am I kidding. My confession is not that I watched a distorted movie on cable. My confession is that the movie was "Can't Stop the Music." Yes, the 1980 epic that not only stars the Village People, but tells the story of the creation of (a fictional version of) the Village People. All this and Steve Guttenberg. And Bruce Jenner. I watched the whole thing.

Can't Stop the Shame is more like it.

This is quite possibly the gayest movie ever made, and don't get me wrong because I am not using "gayest" as a perjorative. No, I mean "Can't Stop the Music" is literally gay from start to finish, and that's even before the movie finds an excuse to get to San Francisco. It's no shock that would be the case for a late-seventies flick (though released in '80) that features the Village People, but still!

It's amusing that Valerie Perrine is top billed in this one. She does play a lead role, but you can't help but think someone decided the only way to trick straight males into seeing this was to promote Perrine as the star and put her in lots of tight clothes . Of course, there's way more beefcake than cheesecake in the finished product, so there may have been some seriously miffed macho men (as opposed to Macho Men) at the theaters. Of course, it WAS the late seventies, so maybe it was no big deal...

I think the single gayest moment has to be when Jenner's previously uptight suit-and-tie-wearing tax attorney quits his job on the spot and becomes the lawyer for the Village People. Suddenly, in the next scene, Jenner is leading the gang down the street while sporting a half-shirt and cut off blue jeans, an ensemble that somehow looks even more flamboyant than the parade of Indian, biker, and cowboy costumes trailing him. Yes, even more than the song called "Liberation," even more than the commercial, "Milkshake" that the band stars in, this transformation is the epitome of the movie's gay ethos.

Again, don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying that "Can't Stop the Music" is terrible because it's gay. It's terrible because of the writing, the acting, and the songs. But if you want to see a grand example of how gay culture meets crap culture, proceed to right around the 1:15 mark and experience the spectacle that is the music video for "YMCA." This has to be seen to be believed, a jaw-dropping blend of ridiculous choreography, gratuitous split screen and other visual effects, and flashes of male and female nudity.

About the only good thing I can say about this one is that nobody's made a sequel. Oh, I laughed a few times, I'll admit, but...whew! What a movie!