Classic TV Christmas Festival: Captain Gallant

We conclude this year's abbreviated (but still precious) Classic TV Christmas Festival with a letter from Billy, who writes:

Sometimes I get so mad at my parents that I want to run off and join the French Foreign Legion. I wish there were a classic TV Christmas episode that'd show me what I can look forward to.

Billy, you're in luck because there IS such an episode; furthermore, the French Foreign Legion is not an organization with a strong emphasis on grammar and therefore will not reject you for ending a sentence with a preposition.

The episode of which I speak is an installment of "Captain Gallant of the Foreign Legion." In this holiday story, the cap'n's son Cuffy is sitting around bitching--excuse me, Billy, complaining--about how much of a bummer Christmas is gonna be out in the African desert. Adding to the holiday cheer is the fact that Cuffy is played by a lad named Cullen, the real-life son of series star Buster Crabbe.

Feeling depressed, Cuffy does the logical thing and heads off into the desert to find Christmas or something like that. He couldn't have just done a good deed for someone, fixed some sand nog, and put on an Andy Williams record? No, the little guy goes wandering, not realizing the trip to Bethlehem is a little beyond his capabilities.

Here's the GOOD news, Billy: It turns out life in the French Foreign Legion, Cuffy's restlessness notwithstanding, is pretty swell for a young feller. When Captain Gallant's sidekick Fuzzy tells the Legionnaires what happened to Cuffy, they're all playing cards or music in the barracks. They are not at all smelly, sulking ex-convicts--at least not to my eye--and when they learn that their mascot has run away, they leap to action to track him down. I would have expected a bunch of grizzled Legion men to either laugh, bark "Who cares?" or have already sold the kid to some sleazy child slavery ring. But, no, they rush to their horses to find the young guy. Granted, it may just be because life in the FFL camp really IS as damned boring as Cuffy thinks, but I give them credit, anyway.

So, Billy, the Legion is clearly full of good sorts, decent folk who take care of each other and look out for their young. It's a family atmosphere, and while I don't condone running away from home, if a certain young Cultureshark reader DID abandon his folks and try to join, I'm certain he'd be welcomed with open arms, and not at all in a creepy "these guys haven't seen a broad in months and probably are mostly sex offenders, anyway" manner.

Oh, yeah, in this episode, they go look for Cuffy, and they all share a warm Christmasy feeling at the end. I won't reveal all the details, Billy, because your parents might want to buy the Mill Creek Holiday TV Classics set for you so you can learn about the French Foreign Legion yourself. If they are willing to do that, maybe you should give them another chance, Billy. If not, life in the desert isn't all that bad for a young'un such as yourself.