Dear HBO: It's Over

By the time you read this, I will have canceled my subscription to you. Well, more accurately, I will have changed TV providers and decided not to sign up for you. That’s kind of anticlimactic as exits go, but, hey, it’s more definitive than, say, cutting to black in the middle of the final scene of the final episode of your flagship series.

In fact, I considered telling you we were through by yanking the cable out of the wall without warning. Problem was, you wouldn’t exactly get the message right away. More importantly, I wouldn’t have been able to watch anything ELSE, either, and while I’m ready to give you up, HBO, I’m just not—well, I’ll go ahead and say it. I’m not willing to give up cable TV just yet.

I know what you’re thinking, so let me assure you right now: It isn’t Showtime. Oh, sure, the new Verizon FIOS package I’m getting includes several Showtimes, several The Movie Channels, and several Starzes. But they’re all included, HBO! It’s not like I sought them out. I like movies, they offer movies, and it might work. But even if I weren’t giving them a try, it would be over between us.

The bottom line, HBO, is the bottom line. At 16 bucks per month, you just got too darned expensive. Now, I’ll admit, since I got digital cable, you offered more of yourself than ever before. You gave me HBO Family, which offered dozens of airings a week of Caddyshack II and The Incredible Mr. Limpet. You offered HBO Comedy, which provided old stand-up specials, episodes of Half-Hour Comedy Hour, and dozens of airings a month of Caddyshack II and The Incredible Mr. Limpet. You even offered HBO Signature, which I think was supposed to be classier and maybe geared towards women and showed actual classic movies sometimes in the wee hours. It was kid of confusing, but at least it didn’t show Caddyshack II.

Then there was HBO2, which, for reasons I guess now I’ll never know, my own cable listings called HBO Plus. Finally, you gave me HBO Zone. This was perhaps the sweetest gesture of all, as you tried to be a poor man’s Skinemax, offering cheesy sex romps and erotic thrillers after midnight. But it’s hard to be a poor man’s anything when you cost 16 bucks per.

I’ll miss the sports and the comedy and the On Demand service. But The Sopranos and Deadwood are gone and The Wire’s final season is a way’s off.

I love movies, and I appreciate seeing them uncut, but you never showed them letterboxed. And couldn’t you mix up the selection a bit more? The first time I noticed you were running an early-nineties Cyndi Lauper-David Keith vehicle, I smiled. The second time I spotted it on the schedule, I laughed. The third, fourth, and fifth times, I started calculating how many comic books I could buy each month with 16 bucks.

So I’m saying good-bye and suggesting we take a break from our long relationship. There were times in our relationship when I paid too much for you there have been times when I, er, paid nothing for you. But now it’s time to try a separation.

Again, don’t think Showtime is replacing you. Really, it’s just part of my new deal.The only time in my life I really wanted to pay for Showtime was in the 1980s when it acquired The Honeymooners Lost Episodes and offered It’s Garry Shandling’s Show. Those days are long gone, and as much as I like Penn and Teller, they’re not enough to make me switch.

No, HBO, it’s nothing personal. It’s just business. Maybe in 2008, that 16 bucks won’t seem like so much. Call me when The Wire returns and that John Adams miniseries gets cracking.

Until then, I wish you the best.
Sincerely, Rick