Crummy Movie Cavalcade: What Happens in Vegas

We kick off the Summer 2008 Crummy Movie Cavalcade with a look at "What Happens in Vegas," surely one of the lamest romantic comedies to come down the pike in years--and let me tell you, the pike is already quite cluttered with lame romcoms of recent vintage.

Those failures, however, didn't "boast" the combination which the makers of this effort apparently see as their biggest asset: The teaming of Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. I try not to judge a movie by its posters, but those one-sheets that didn't bother presenting anything besides the stars' faces and the names DIAZ and KUTCHER don't inspire confidence.

I mean, does some executive think that's enough to sell a film? Have moviegoers been filing into theaters to see something, you know, good, passing by that poster, and saying to their significant other, "Ooh, look, honey, they're finally together!"

I think not. Even if there somehow is chemistry between these two leads, what good is it? Just because mud and sand combine to make something (they do, don't they? Hey, I'm no chemist) doesn't mean someone should put them together.

I used to stick up for Cameron Diaz. Sure, she gave off a rather shallow aura, but she had a certain on-screen charisma that made her magnetic in stuff like "The Mask" and "There's Something About Mary." But that was long ago, and in recent years, despite working with directors like Martin Scorcese and Curtis Hanson, she has become that rare performer who grows more vapid with age.

As for Ashton Kutcher--oh, boy. Give the guy credit for being on a long-running sitcom that is seen a dozen times a day on cable and local broadcast syndication. Give him credit for producing "Punk'd," a series that has some degree of cachet. You can even give him credit for that one surprise hit he had a few years ago when "The Butterfly Effect" somehow opened well. But other than that, what has he done lately--or ever? His major accomplishment this decade is banging Demi Moore and hanging out with her kids without being pummeled by Bruce Willis. This does not a movie star make.

I'd say his A-list card should be revoked, but I'm going a step further: Ashton Kutcher should never have been on the A-list in the first place. I refuse to recognize that he was, is, or will be. And if he's not a big movie star, then what's the point of seeing a lame romantic comedy with the main selling point of teaming him with Cameron Diaz?

"What Happens in Vegas" earns its distinction of kicking off the Summer Crummy Movie Cavalcade. There will be many more bad movies this season, and we hope to cover them the way they deserve. They can't all be "Iron Man," after all.