Crummy Movie Cavalcade: The Happening

Perhaps it's not always fair to judge a movie by its marketing, but it took about 5 seconds of the first trailer I saw to convince me that "The Happening" was a crummy movie. Oh, sure, anyone who saw M. Night Shyamalan's previous efforts, "The Village" and "Lady in the Water," would have a pretty good idea the next one would reek, but that's not the logic I'm talking about.

What cinched it for me was the first momentous announcement by the important-sounding narrator. I realize I just described every single movie trailer ever, but hold on. The message this film led with, the vital info we had to have, the attention-grabber sure to make us run salivating to the nearest multiplex and ask--no, demand--for a ticket TO "THE HAPPENING" RIGHT NOW was...

"The first R-rated feature from M. Night Shyamalan."

After I heard that, I came up with a witty remark so clever and incisive that I nearly wept at the lack of a witness to testify to my brilliance: "SO?"

I mean, really, who cares? Is the typical Shyamalan fan sitting at home thinking, "Boy, I love that guy's twist endings, but his movies never have any boobies, man. I'm sitting this next one out." So of course, FOX's strategy would be to lead with that R rating, so Joe SixthSensePack can get excited: "All right! Dude's finally made an R!"

I realize the real idea is that the director could unleash a little more gore and violence this time, and in theory make a more intense thriller, but again, I say, so? (I really think I'm on to something with that new catchphrase. It's even better when you hear me deliver it) Shyamalan in particular is a director who relies on implied menace and not in-your-face shock. What, are we supposed to be eager for a 5-minute-long medium-shot take of a guy with an ax wound bleeding from his skull?

Hearing this bit of pointless puffery was all I needed to take a pass on this one. Forget Shyamalan's increasingly spotty track record, forget the questionable decision by yet another filmmaker to push his luck and ask Wahlberg to carry a movie, forget twist ending fatigue. I couldn't get past the boast that this time, it was an R-rated flick.

If you agree with me and think "The Happening" deserves a prime spot in the Summer Crummy Movie Cavalcade...GUESS WHAT? This whole post was actually about "Speed Racer!" How's that for a twist ending? Totally had you!