Vault of Coolness: Star Trek "A Private Little War"

Recently, for professional reasons, I revisited the only "Star Trek" series that matters, the one known as TOS, or The Original Series, but which I simply call "Old-School Star Trek." Really, it should just be Star Trek, period, but there are so many different versions out there, I feel I have to make the distinction.

I'm stretching the definition of the Vault of Coolness here because while I have it and many other episodes on tape via G4's uncut run a few years ago, I didn't watch this episode that way. But I could have, so let's pretend it did indeed come from the fabled Cultureshark Archives, AKA the Vault. Official Site Archivist and custodian of the vault Pappy McGillicuddy has no problem with that. Do you, Pappy?

"No, sirree!"
--Pappy.

I want to say a few words about "A Private Little War" because it must surely be one of the kinkiest "Treks" ever, and that's saying something. After beaming down to the primitive planet Neural, Kirk finds a pastoral society where his old pal Tyree lives. Years ago, doing a "survey" on the planet, Jim befriended Tyree. Anyone want to bet the survey as interpreted by Kirk focused on mating rituals of Neuralian females?

The hill people are warring with the village people--note my lack of capitalization; they don't break into "Macho Man" at any time--who are being armed by the Klingons. So Kirk decides the only way to fulfill the Prime Directive to not interfere is...to interfere by giving the hill people equal access to weapons. Don't ask me to explain it.

More important than the political allegory of this episode is the sexual allegory. In their initial foray to the planet, Spock is shot and must be beamed back up. We'll get back to kinky ol' Spock later. Beaming back down later, Kirk and McCoy encounter a goofy-looking beast, and the captain is poisoned by a bite from its fangs. Dr. McCoy is unable to help him, and they can't contact the Enterprise, so they find Kirk's old pal Tyree so that his witch wife Nona can help him.

And what a witch she is! As played by frequent 1960s TV guest star Nancy Kovack, Nona must be one of the sexiest "Trek" babes ever. Sure, she's a scheming plotter determined to pull strings and assert power over the planet by any means necessary, but who cares when she walks around in tight leather pants?

She also explains that in curing Kirk, he will become HERS, and they will be forever linked as a result of the ceremony. This conversation takes place right in front of her husband, who seems OK with it. Our man James T., of course, would be willing to give this a shot even if he weren't dying rapidly and in desperate need of her cure.

So then you have Nona's ridiculous "cure" of a poisoned Kirk, complete with theatrical writhing and groaning as she lays down next to him and performs this "ceremony." They don't even try to hide the sexual parallel there, and it all culminates in her collapsing, spent, next to him (practically atop him) as Tyree presumably remembers the many times he saw this happen last time Kirk was on Neural.

Later, Nona starts to seduce Kirk with the aid of her witchcraft, and Tyree sees them and gets jealous and skulks off. I have a feeling THIS kind of thing happened a lot to Tyree and Kirk last time he was on Neural as well.

Still later, Nona runs away from Tyree's hill people and approaches 3 villagers, offering them Kirk's phaser to advance their side's arsenal, when they proceed to grope and attack her in what would clearly be a gang-rape situation. I don't mean to joke about this aspect of the episode. Jeez, it's kind of intense.

Meanwhile, Spock is semi-conscious on the Enterprise in the care of Nurse Chapel, who clearly pines for him. Annoyingly so, really. When he is on the verge of recovery, a prone Spock asks Chapel to hit him, saying that the pain helps him focus back to consciousness. So the "Vulcan self-healing" involves him telling Nurse Chapel to hit him harder and harder until it jolts him back to, well, some semblance of normality.

A doctor on board (I'd name him, but, come on, he's not McCoy) had already told Nurse Chapel to do whatever Spock tells her to do during his recovery. She didn't think she'd have a problem with that, but then, she wasn't expecting a sadomasochistic ritual as part of their first date. And why should she? The doc, who knew a lot more about that wacky Vulcan physiology than he let on, conveniently forgets to mention that part.

So in the span of 50 minutes, we get lust, adultery, rape, S&M, and that's just the more explicit stuff. As I dig into those G4 tapes and revisit the series I watched as a kid, I may find this episode unexceptional, but right now I find it hard to believe this represents just a routine entry in the Captain's Log.