Half-Assed Gourmet: Love that chicken from Popeye's, but the atmosphere...

This year, before a lot of you go bird wild on turkey, let me talk about MY kind of dining experience: a trip to a local fast food joint.

A few months back, I mentioned a visit to Popeye's  and how I was disappointed by the location's stingy ways. The new TV ad campaign for Smokehouse Boneless Wings amused and tantalized me,  so I figured I'd give the chain another shot at a different location.

One thing that stands out at Popeye's is the prices. Is it just that chicken is more expensive? Is fried coating/grease so expeensive? Is it the DOWN-HOME/YEE-HAW/RAGIN' CAJUN quality? The fact is if you don't get one of their specials, the regular chicken meals look kind of steep for fast food.

In fact, an ominous sign by the counter gave me a grim feeling as I read that sauces were for chicken tenders only and were 25 cents extra otherwise. Already, my suspicion of the chain's tightwad philosophy was confirmed...or was it?

I did indeed get the Smokehouse Wings, which comes as a 6-piece with a biscuit and a side for 5 bucks. Notice what's missing there? A beverage. We're off to a bad start. I actually anticipated this and considered takeout, but I spotted a self-service drink area. That's about the only thing you can get yourself at Popeye's, so I vowed to take full advantage. Uh, I did that under my breath, not out loud like some kind of super villain.

The food was fine. The Cajun rice was a little bland but a nice alternative to fries. The biscuit was OK. The wings were not really what I'd call wings--more like crispy chicken pieces--but they were tasty.

The accoutrements were the problem. I didn't care for the standard ranch sauce that came with the meal, and worse, there was no butter or jam or anything for the biscuit. So I went to the counter, clutching a handful of change and expecting to shell out for an alternative sauce. To my surprise, the cashier gave me not just one but TWO buffalo sauces at no charge. Maybe she liked the cut of my gib. More likely, that sign is there to deter people who are a pain in the ass about sauces but most workers roll their eyes at the fact that they make everyone beg for all the condiments.

She gave me a handful of stuff for that biscuit, too--two butter squares, one strawberry jam, one grape jam. Well, it was better than nothing, but the paltry butter was useless because it was semi-frozen and I didn't have a knife. The flimsy spork they gave me for the rice wasn't getting it done. I could squeeze the jam out, but it didn't cover much of the biscuit. I split it in half and decorated each side with a different jam, trying to pretend it was a delightful opportunity to sample several different flavors.

In the meantime, the buffalo sauce made me thirsty--I suppose the massive amount of sodium in everything contributed as well--so I made numerous trips to the beverage area while trying to ration the 4 thin napkins on my tray. 4 napkins for a wing meal? Of course there were no napkins anywhere on the "humanoid" side of the restaurant, and I didn't want to go back and ask for more napkins. Naturally I let my nose run all over the table and used my coat and pants as extra napkins.

I'm kidding about that last part--mostly--but let's add up the things I did NOT get with my order:

*Preferred sauces
*Condiment of any kind for the biscuit
*Knife to apply anything to the biscuit
*Adequate napkins
And remember, I had to buy the drink as an add-on.

The good news is that they threw a bunch of chicken-ish pieces in with the box of wings, so it felt like more than 6 pieces. Remember when Long John Silver's would throw in those "crumblies"  with the seafood boxes? Kind of like that except bigger and somehow more respectable because it's not Long John Silver's.

Overall, I enjoy Popeye's food, but this is clearly not an isolated deal at this chain. Maybe it's a better takeout experience than a dine-in. I just don't like having to go back up and ask for things that should be standard with the meal. if you don't want to load up my tray at the counter, just make it available in the dining area.