The Wonderful World of TCM: Men Are Such Fools

Men ARE fools, you know--and scoundrels and knaves and suckers and all that, as well. But wimmen are fools, too, and Priscilla Lane's character provides ironclad evidence in this 1938 Warner Brothers picture directed by Busby Berkeley and featuring Humphrey Bogart in a supporting role. The Greatest Cable Channel Known to Mankind aired this rarity as part of its Bogey festival in December, and while there isn't a whole lot of prime Bogart, there is a lot of entertainment value, what with all the boys and girls running around being foolish.

The highlight for me in "Fools," however, is one of the most romantic scenes in cinematic history, a scene which I regret seeing some years after I met, courted, and married the lovely Mrs. Shark. Wayne Morris, of all people--that's right, Wayne "Lunkhead" Morris--offers up the most enchanting proposal of matrimony in the annals of LIFE, not just the moving pictures.

But I'll get to that in a minute. First, let me talk about all the foolish behavior. Morris' character Jimmy Hall is a promising young (as young as Wayne Morris can ever be--to me the guy always looked like he was 35 or so when he was born and didn't bother changing) ad man when he meets Lane's Linda, a talented young copywriter. They get married partly because they're too jealous not to, but trouble brews when Jimmy tires of Linda's long hours and wants her to quit and be a good little wifey.

We see this situation many times in old movies and TV shows, of course--"No woman of mine will ever have to work in this household," etc.--but this case amuses because from all we know, Linda is the one with the talent. We see her working and exercising ambition, whereas we just kind of hear that Jimmy's got ad skills. Makes you wonder what's really going on when he pulls his "Me Mad Man, you Desperate Housewife" routine.

Well, Linda consents, but she gets ticked when Jimmy declines a plum job she helped set up for him. Now, here's where things get a little foolish on her part. She executes the ol' "Walk out on the hubby to get him to change his ways" routine, and that's silly enough, but she winds up taking her old job working for our man Bogart--the same guy who previously pulled the "Make a play for an attached woman" out of his playbook in an effort to snag Linda from Jimmy. Now, Priscilla Lane is luminous in this movie, but she loses me with this action. Bogart is not so much a fool in this story as a bona fide CAD, and he had gone so far as to deliberately keep Lane late at work one night so she would miss a date with Jimmy and his college chums (not to pick on Wayne Morris, but I have a hard time believing he went to Princeton, by the way) and undermine their marriage.

It's OK with Linda, though, who not only works with Bogey, but she romances him a little bit, too, or at least lets him romance her. This all ends in predictable fashion, with Jimmy stepping out a bit for a while with a suitor of his own before everyone comes to their senses. The only thing that surprises me is that Berkeley doesn't somehow manage to get an overhead shot of Bogart, Lane, Morris, and a chorus line dancing in a circle. But let me tell you, these people are such FOOLS.

You know what's not foolish, though? Making a romantic marriage proposal to a reluctant sweetie in such an extravagant manner that she can't possibly resist. Jimmy fakes us all out by feigning the old "Make love to her in the car" routine, then adds a glorious twist. He stops his automobile on a set of railroad tracks and announces he's not moving until she agrees to marry him.

Adding to the sentimental value of this priceless moment is the presence of an actual oncoming train. Oh, if I had only used this approach instead of the boring, old "Getting down on one knee" routine, the stories I'd have to tell my grandkids!

An exasperated Linda eventually relents just before the BrideKiller Express halts mere yards from the vehicle. She sort of gets mad when she realizes Jimmy knew all along the train was gonna stop there (see, this kind of proposal requires a lot more planning than just angling to get yourself on the stadium Jumbotron), and in response...he chuckles. Hey, she said she would marry him, and in the 1930s, that constitutes a binding verbal contract and cannot be broken. So what does he care if she sees his grand romantic gesture as foolish?

I realize Valentine's Day was a few days ago, but if any single readers are thinking of popping the question soon, here is your romantic masterstroke. All you need is a woman who isn't quick enough to get out of an open-top car, a reliable train with a consistent route, and of course the vehicle.

Oh, you'd better make it a reliable vehicle, too, because after Jimmy's stunt, another train zooms by and nearly dashes them both to bits before they can even do a cake tasting. That would be kind of a downer in the real world, I think, but since this is the movies, our Foolish but happy couple laughs it off and, for all we know, plans a cross-country rail trip for their honeymoon.