First Impulse: The Oscars

Whether it's because I don't go out and see the movies like I used to, because of the increasing sense of sameness I get from the telecast, or because I'm slowly turning into a bitter old crank, I get less joy out of the Academy Awards each year. I did see the whole broadcast this year, as always, but I had my laptop at the ready so that during the dull patches--and there were many--I could...uh, do things besides blogging, which I now realize I should have been doing.

There weren't a whole lot of embarrassing moments, but much of the show just didn't work for me. Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were OK as hosts, but didn't seem to have much impact after the monologue. Is that good or bad? I don't think the host matters that much anymore unless he or she (by "she" I mean Whoopi, of course) is a disaster.

Instead of going through the show and the awards (I was neutral on most of the categories, but I was happy to see Sandra Bullock won and enjoyed her heartfelt speech), let me be semi-constructive and propose the Academy and whoever runs next year's show get rid of the following elements:

*Big opening production numbers: Don't feel you owe us one. We'll be fine if you just go into a monologue...or even break the tension by giving out an award really quick. Seriously, begin the show with a lightning-fast presentation like the one Tom Hanks gave for Best Picture (the guy hasn't moved so fast since he was staying at the Susan B. Anthony hotel and had to scramble into his pantyhose), then go into the hubbub. Why not?

*Interpretive dance numbers: So the producers get rid of the Best Song performances, which people often enjoy, but insist on presenting an interminable series of dance routines "interpreting" the nominated musical scores. Year after year, someone behind the scenes thinks the audience needs some kind of dance number. Year after year, the number is mocked. Here's an easy way to speed up the show--no dance! And if you want to stage a "Footloose"-like rebellion the next year, bring it on.

*Introductions/clips of the Best Picture nominees: Especially now that there are *10* of them, each of these segments brings the show to a crawl. I realize that in a sense the purpose of the Oscars is to sell movies, but by the time the show's on, I know everything I need to know about the Best Picture choices. I don't need an actor to tell me how great it was and then, worse, show a clip. Save the clips for the actual moment of handing out the trophy (not to mention all the bits we see throughout the night in the other categories). Judging from this year's roster, it's not like the show is bursting with huge stars that need places on the show.

*Tribute segments: Not to disparage John Hughes, but I was annoyed that the Lifetime Achievement awards got shoved off camera while this segment got, what, 10 minutes? And please, enough with the "Salute to Horror" type montages. The history of the movies can be celebrated by giving out the lifetime awards again. And I hate to say this, but the In Memoriam feature may not be worth doing at this point if nobody can do it right.

*Actors and actresses kissing each other's asses: The whole "actors introduce the nominees" thing was nice last year as a fresh twist, but this year it seemed bogus. There just isn't a need to do this each year, and it gets awkward seeing all of the presenters pile it on so thick. Then it gets even more awkward when they don't, like Colin Farrell introducing Jeremy Renner: "I met Jeremy on a movie called SWAT. It was cool. It's about fookin' time he got a good part." Let's retire this.

*Barbra Streisand: Why not bump HER off camera and let her host the technical awards or something? At least don't give her a high-profile slot like presenting Best Director, thereby giving her a chance to act like she's some kind of big-shot director herself.

Removing these elements would be a great start toward making a better, crisper, and yes, shorter telecast. With the exception of maybe the ass-kissing presentation gimmick, I don't know too many people who would bemoan the loss of anything on this list.