What was I thinking? Part 1: "Meet the Spartans"

What was I THINKING when I sat down to watch "Meet the Spartans"?

Well, I kinda know what I was thinking, I guess. I was thinking, "It's on HBO. It might be funny. If not, it's not like I'm out the price of a rental or, Bogart forbid, the price of a movie ticket."

(Let's not try to calculate how much one movie factors into the monthly HBO subscription fee. That's way too much thought for a post on "Meet the Spartans.")

I was also thinking, "I haven't liked any of these spoof movies in what seems like ages, and I have no reason to believe this experience will be better. It's been panned, after all, and it looks like the same old thing."

Oh, "Meet the Spartans" was terrible. It wasn't just not as funny as I would have hoped, it was grosser than I would have feared. I can only digest so many off-putting "gags" about body fluids and such before I gag, and the verbal wit wasn't exactly Oscar Levant. It's not that I have some kind of devotion to movies like "300" that are lampooned here. I hated "300" and could have appreciated a quality buggering of that misfire.

Perhaps worst of all, this is the kind of movie that makes you think Carmen Electra will be naked in it (in other words, just about any movie with Carmen Electra) and teases that event, only to deny you even that simple pleasure. So "Spartans" isn't just unfunny, it's...It's unpatriotic!

I think I lasted 19 minutes before finally realizing life was too short to expect "Meet the Spartans" to somehow become tolerable. Did I learn my lesson? Well, yes and no. I'm not gonna rent "Superhero Movie," but if it comes on TV and I have a free hour and a half...