What was I thinking? Part 2: "Small Wonder"

I thought I might get a little nostalgia-fueled kick out of seeing some "Small Wonder" episodes from the recent Season One set issued by Shout Factory. This despite the fact that I never liked the show, never felt a strong desire to see it again in the intervening years, and had no reason to believe it was some kind of buried treasure unjustly consigned to the kitsch corner of time.

What was I thinking?

I made it through the first episode partly because my wife was in the room to share the experience. I made it through a second because I was on a stationary bike and didn't feel like getting up to stop the disc and turn the TV to something else. Even then, I relied on a nearby "Sports Illustrated" to divert my attention.

"Small Wonder" is bad. Oh, I don't mean to disparage the people involved, all of whom surely tried hard and meant well. But this is a classic example of a mediocre sitcom gone wild. Every minute is packed with a cutesy moment, a standard misunderstanding, a precocious kid, a punchline you can see coming almost before the set-up...Maybe there is some humor to be mined out of the premise of a guy inventing a robot and passing it off as a young niece. It ain't here, though. Trust me.

I tried listening to an audio commentary, figuring maybe, just maybe, I missed something. Or perhaps there would be some worthwhile stories of hedonism behind the scenes during production of "Small Wonder." Instead, I just listened to amiable people chatting about the good times they had while making the show, and it made me feel guilty about hating it.

That guilt dissipated, though, as soon as I contemplated loading up a third episode. I just couldn't do it. "Small Wonder" might hold up for kids, who were probably the intended audience all along, but to me it just seems, at the risk of sounding all Holden Caulfield, phony. The jokes are phony, the characters are phony, and the situations are phony.

In fact, if Holden Caulfied were alive today, he'd definitely buy--not rent--this DVD set, but then quickly condemn it for being so phony.

(I realize the above sentence makes zero sense, but I needed a little something to jazz up the post, and I really don't have anything to say about Edie McClurg.)

There is one fascinating thing about "Small Wonder," and that's the conspicuous absence on the DVDs of star Tiffany Brissette. Is she distancing herself from the role of Vicki? Is she unavailable for comment? Is she actually a herself a robot and shunning publicity to avoid disclosure? These questions are far more fascinating to ponder than whether or not the annoying redhead girl that lives next door will catch Vicki in the act of coughing up a lugnut.

What was I thinking? I'll tell you what it was: That damn theme song. "She's the smaaall wonder..." It's catchy, it's cheesy, and it stays with you enough to obscure any memories you have of how bad the rest of the show was. I'll bet if you ever saw "Small Wonder," you're humming the song now. I'm here to tell you now: Just look up the opening on YouTube. Don't sit through an entire episode.