I gotta complain about this: TV's biggest surprises

I know this was last week, but I'm still kind of miffed at CBS' fiasco of a TV special, that countdown show listing the "30 Greatest Surprises" in television broadcast history. Sadly, it wasn't surprising that the list was a weak one, but still! You know, it had "Paley Center" in the title, so I kind of hoped there wouldn't be oddball selections like a "Deal or No Deal" episode at #6 (a "Deal or No Deal" episode anywhere in the top 30, for that matter).

The list was allegedly created from a Nielsen survey of current TV viewers. Well, there's the problem right there. You can't trust TV viewers to come up with intelligent lists about television history. Most people that know anything about television history are too busy griping about television present to actually watch TV these days. So of course the list is gonna be skewed towards recent events.

Even so, I don't want to lay too much blame on the masses. After all, I think the numbers were juked a bit on this survey. Or are we supposed to believe that the public actually thought some scrub getting bumped off on the CBS show "NCIS" a few years ago was the second-greatest surprise of all time? Maybe that was a surprise, but it was hardly great. No, I didn't see it when it aired. Nobody did! "NCIS" is one of those programs that gets big ratings numbers even though nobody you know watches it.

The number one moment was Oprah giving away cars to the audience, which was pretty funny, but come on. The list was loaded with reality/game show fluff, like "Survivor" segments, Marie Osmond fainting, and so on. And any program that finds a way to work in the clip of that arrogant SOB becoming the first big winner on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" loses major credibility with me.

Then there were puzzling inclusions like Ellen coming out on her sitcom. Even host Jeff Probst (who just happens to be a CBS personality, natch) talked about how everyone knew it was coming. In the annals of the medium, that was about as surprising as John McLaughlin raising his voice.

Even the cool elements were a little off. The #10 moment featured "The Wire." I won't give it away because I still have a weird fantasy that someday everyone in America will watch the show in order and learn to love it. It was a stunner, all right, but only in some of the details, and there were far more shocking events on that great series.

The "Newhart" finale was way too low at 28. If you're gonna pick a Lucy moment, you really want to pick her brawling in those grapes? I did like the nods to the "Dick Van Dyke" show, "Cheers," and "The Twilight Zone," but overall this list was inconsistent at best.

I'm sure everyone could go through the list and complain about a missing surprise, but I'll just add one: A large majority of the voters are clearly FBI, CIA, Cuban exiles, hardcore anti-communists, and/or members of the military-industrial complex, because they apparently weren't surprised when Jack Ruby executed Lee Harvey Oswald on TV.

I know, I know, it's ultimately a rather trivial matter, but this could have been so much better.