Cultureshark's Must-NOT List

'Entertainment Weekly" published its annual Fluff List, er, Must List issue, several weeks ago, and I decided to balance it with my own Must-NOT list of the things I'll be trying to avoid this summer. Now, you might think this is just an excuse for a bunch of snarky comments, but I see it as one man's best attempt to counteract the smoochy "EW" feature (Sample: Cat Deeley is the Must Real Deal! Yay! We luv her! XOXO!). And, hey, we can all agree there's just not enough negativity on the Internet.

Must-not Book: Harry Potter

--Understand that I have nothing against the books, their author, or their readership (well that's a broad category--I might have something against some readers of Harry Potter, but not because they read Harry Potter). It's just that my wife and I have a system. She reads the books, we see the movies, I ask her a bunch of questions about plot points that are clear in the novels but murky or ignored in the films. It works out quite well for us.

Must-not Film: I Love You, Beth Cooper

--Kind of the opposite deal here in that I DID read the source novel, and Larry Doyle's teen coming-of-age comedy was clearly destined for the big screen, probably even written with that destination in mind...BUT it clearly needed a quality vision to transport the tone and not just turn it into a generic stupid teen comedy movie. I'm not ripping Chris Columbus here--I think he was just fine on "Harry Potter" (but then, I never read the books, did I?). But I have a bad feeling about it. When I sit through the adaptation and curse what "those idiots" did to the book, I'd rather it be on my couch than at the multiplex after forking over umpteen dollars for a night at the movies.

Must-not TV show: America's Got Talent

--As soon as the current season got underway, I dreaded the inevitable rash of "Have we found our Susan Boyle" stories. I'm fine with Boyle, but not the constant effort to try to reproduce her "storyline." This just gives me another reason to avoid this show.

Must-not Late Night TV Show: Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

--Any hopes I had that the host had his act together vanished when I saw a clip of Mark-Paul Gothelesaar showing up in character as Zack Morris--a brilliant bit, by the way--and Fallon nearly ruining a key gag with his inability to keep a straight face. How long till Horatio Sanz gets a spot on the couch so they can giggle at each other's jokes all night?

Must-not Song: Black-Eyed Peas, "Boom Boom Pow"
--I tend to be wary of anything deemed a "song of the summer," and not just because of my contrary nature (I'm really a sweet, agreeable type). Fact is, many "songs of summer," though they may be catchy, drive me up the wall after a few spins, and not just the one-hit wonders. I can't listen to "Soak Up the Sun" or "Umbrella" without invoking the name of a place where there's not a lot of fun, but it's always hot as summer.

Of course, being deemed as such, these songs of summer get MANY spins. This single from the Peas is awful, and that's no surprise. I don't know why some anoint it such a big anthem because it's not even catchy. That's one good thing about it, I guess, is it's easily forgotten.

Must-not CD: Eminem, "Relapse"
--I don't exactly have my finger on the pulse of hip-hop--I barely even stick my toe in the water--but I get the sense that this album hasn't exactly "blown up" yet, and that's all right by me because I'm pretty much tired of the guy. Even the stunt of getting a faceful of Bruno's ass at the MTV Awards didn't linger.

Hey, remember when "hustling to promote your record" meant going on talk shows, visiting radio stations, and stuff like that? Nowadays it's getting an obnoxious comedian's ass in your face in public. Boy, the music biz IS brutal.

Must-not Planet: Neptune

--All that methane and stuff? You couldn't pay me to vacation there this summer. There's plenty of ocean right here on the good ol' E-A-R of T-H, if you ask me.