Pioneer Woman (1973)

This 1973 TV movie sounds lame, but how can I resist a movie starring David Janssen and William Shatner? I can't, I tells ya. I can't. So when it popped up on the This-TV schedule the other day, I was there.

SPOILER WARNING in effect here because I'm about to give away much of what happens, though I can assure that, since nothing much happens, it ain't much.

This one begins with the titular Pioneer Woman writing in her journal. Of course she did. Back in pioneer days, people, especially the womenfolk, relied on journals as their means of communicating valuable plot information to audiences. Along similar lines, they relied on the "look up from my journal into space while touching my pencil to my chin" pose as their means of communicating that they were in deep reflection on their lots in life.

I like journal-writin' and thinkin' it in your head as you do it as much as the next varmint, but fortunately for everyone else, there is some action besides just writin' in this flick. Oh, there's not very much of it, but there is some. Ultimately, though, while we are supposed to identify with Pioneer Woman's saga and her journey to new land, we don't care about whether she can grow wheat or chase a cattle off her property. We care about who she really loves: The Fugitive or Captain Kirk.

Bill Shatner lets his mustache do the acting in this one, and it more than carries the first half. It's a thick, expansive 'stache that instantly gives the Canadian credibility as an old-timey Westward Ho! kind of guy. When we first see his character, John, he enthusiastically touts his plan to quit his steady job and life in Indiana and drag his family--er, emigrate to Nebraska to be a sodbuster. We enthusiastically tout his mustache, not to mention his vaguely midwestern "plain-speakin'" accent. This debut only raises our hopes for great Shatner action to come, but sadly, his character isn'r around for the entire proceedings. In fact, he gets one good sequence, and I'm about to describe that for you because it's the only harrowing sequence in the whole film:

When Shatner and his family come to their claim, they are roughed up and intimidated by a couple of familes who have squatted there and don't take kindly to no Eastern (or more Eastern than they are, at least) bank giving their land to some effete interloper. Nobody in the scene uses the word "effete," but, oh, I wish they did, if only to see Shatner take umbrage at his manly 'stache being singled out as a source of less-than-masculine aura.

After a heated debate, the natives (not Native Americans, mind you, but just ordinary, sadistic, selfish "white" folk that occupy the land) put Shatner in "the hole" to learn him a lesson. In essence, they give him a swirlie--a frontier swirlie--by dunking his head in some nearby water until he agrees to forfeit his claim. During this scene, I did feel edgy, all right, but my concern was for the hairpiece and especially the mustache. Would they survive a savage dunking? "Not the 'stache! Not the 'stache!" I yelled at my television."

It's discovered that Pioneer Woman has miscarried the baby she was secretly carrying (at the risk of sounding callous, it was very inefficient of her to pack a new child on this kind of voyage, when a few pounds of hardtack would be more useful), and Shatner submits to the prairie thugs and surrenders his claim. So the family heads off to Wyoming, where they will be free to starve themselves and toil at hours of crippling physical labor without harassment.

Well, all of Shatner's glorious "hair" survives that Nebraskan encounter, but the rest of him doesn't stick around too long. His character soon dies off camera (lame!) and Pioneer Woman is forced to decide whether to stick it out or to head back home. Well, actually, she doesn't get much of a choice because that most feared of all movie villains, Mother Nature, intervenes and conspires to force her to use some resources and stay on the land rather than leaving right away, and eventually she figures, "Ah, what the hell, it's not like I miss Indiana basketball THAT much," and she sticks around, where, to quote Linda Lavin, "if things work out, she's gonna stayyyyy a while...buh buh buh buhhhh."

Let me back up a minute, though, and share one of the reasons why she's staying. I mean, there's the enthusiasm of her young children, one played by Helen Hunt (I could have pointed this out earlier, but in a movie with Shatner and Janssen, you're not gonna tune in for Helen Hunt), and there's her own indomitable indomintableness, plus the opportunity for ample scenarios to recount in her journal, but there's also Mr. Douglas!

Ooh, la, la! Mr. Douglas, played by the aging but ever suave David Janssen, catches her eye when the still-intact family moves into Wyoming. In fact, the movie is a little too obvious about how he catches her eye, helpfully cutting to a close-up of her registering a little "Hmm..." You almost want to tell her, "Hey, Pioneer Woman, your husband is right here! Hello!" At this point we know what this movie is about, and it's not conquering the untamed American frontier. No, it's about who would you rather, Bill Shatner or David Janssen? And really, isn't this choice a microcosm of the many decisions made by our pioneers, decisions that shaped what became this great country of ours? No? Well, it was worth a shot.

If ever there was a clear distinction between two male icons, it's here. The two men's acting styles are just a tad different, after all. The characters are also different. Shatner is the idealist, Janssen's Douglas is the gruff realist. Shatner is a bit naive, and rendered somewhat impotent by the unfortunate prairie thugs confrontation. Janssen is a man's man, well versed in the ways of the frontier. And finally--I can't help but write this because it's obvious this 1973 movie is making us consider it--Shatner is James T. Kirk, and Janssen is Richard Kimble.

After a suitable perioid of mourning and suffering from the miserable conditions of pioneer life--like, say, 15 minutes of screen time--Pioneer Woman is free to flirt with Mr. Douglas, and in one scene she journalizes that, hey, it's lonely out here in Wyoming, and isn't it about time she got herself a new bonnet? Well, you know what that means, and at the end of the movie, the newly bonneted Pioneer Woman is letting it all hang out, inviting Mr. Douglas to dinner and clarifying what we have known for about 45 minutes: It was Richard Kimble all the way. He may not have the mustache, but he's...well, not all that nice at first. He doesn't smile a lot. He doesn't have much of a way with words, and he delivers them in kind of a hybrid frontiersy/grumpy accent. He doesn't seem to have many interests outside of securing his hat and making party pooper warnings of grim tidings for would-be settlers. But he's a male, he's single, and he's got a whole herd of cattle, and them's pretty good eatin'.

However, this movie hedges its bets somewhat with a bit of prescient cultural commentary. It lingers on a final shot of Shatner's gravesite, a clear message to the audience that while Janssen's stoic practicality was the better force for American growth than Shatner's expressiveness and showy mustache, "Star Trek" is destined to live on in reruns much longer than "The Fugitive" and far surpass it in terms of pop culture impact.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to copy this here entire post while reading it inside my own head. You see, a blog's fine and dandy for us 21st-century types, but nothing beats writing your thoughts down in a good, old-fashioned journal.