I fought the HOA, and the HOA won

You know the old adage, right? Homeowners' Associations: Can't live with 'em, can't prevent the neighbors from turning their adjacent property to a orange-and-pink flophouse without 'em.

Well, let me quote a learned individual who recently opined in a prestigious public forum:

"My HOA is a pain in my A."

OK, it was me posting on Facebook, but still, I think it has a nice ring to it.

We got a letter last week from this overpaid and underpolite organization saying that because some punk had swiped the crossbar in our outdoor lamppost, and because the lantern on top of the post had a single pane of glass missing, we had to rectify those conditions in order to be in compliance with HOA standards.

Actually, the letter was a tad more, shall I say, vague. What it actually said was, "REPAIR LAMP POST." We kind of filled in the blanks ourselves after a call to a snooty official who, when we asked for details so we could be sure to be in compliance, told us we should know what's wrong.

Fortunately, they just happen to have a "limited supply" of the crossbars available in their office.

"For a price, Ugarte, for a price."
--Rick Blaine in "Casablanca"

They also had a limited supply a few years back, the last time some punk swiped ours.

I could go on a rant here about how a necessary evil like a homeowners' association can get a little full of itself, but I'll save that rent for another day. Maybe I'll bring in as Guest Blogger the Vietnam combat vet who told us at Home Depot yesterday how his own HOA tried to get him to take down his American flag and he told them to get the hell off his property or he'd shoot them.

Anyhoo, I got the necessary paperwork--oh, yeah, there's paperwork involved with this. See, we can't just get a new lantern, but since our model is discontinued, we have to submit the new one for approval by the HOA Junta of Architectural Design and Chowder and Marching Society.

So I got the paperwork, attached a printout of the lantern we want to buy from the store--surprisingly, they don't sell lanterns in the office--and went to drop it off. At that point I was told, hey, you need the signatures.

"Really?" I said a bit too loudly.

"Yeah, you need signatures of your 4 closest neighbors verifying that they approve."

So we need approval of our neighbors for a little lantern that sits atop a lamppost. Hell, we're one of the only people that try to change our light bulbs when they go out. I doubt this will be a problem, but the point is that it's a HASSLE.

I'm taking a positive tack with this latest development, though. I believe that this requirement for signatures is not merely an exercise in bureaucratic nonsense from an organization that has no right to impose it. No, I'm thinking it's actually an a-hole detector. See, any neighbor that would take exception to this new lantern we want to get--excuse me, HAVE to get--is most likely an a-hole and therefore not a desirable neighbor. The HOA is merely providing an efficients tool that we can use to weed out the bad eggs in our midst.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself. But if the a-hole detector does its job, we get 4 signatures, submit the paperwork, and the Junta rejects us...well, I know a vet who has some strong ideas about individual property rights...