"Lincoln" shows the path to Oscar success

So the Academy Awards are this weekend, and I think we all know "Lincoln" is going to sweep the major categories. Even if we don't all know that, I'm saying it anyway because it's the only one I saw, and in my world, that's the key factor, right?

I believe "Lincoln" has been so successful and will win so many awards for a simple reason.. I refer not to the direction of Oscar winner Steven Spielberg; nor the screenplay by the acclaimed Tony Kushner; nor even the stellar performances by the brilliant Daniel Day-Lewis, the scene-stealing Tommy Lee Jones, and the myriad other pros in the cast.

Well, not the performances per se.

I think the reason this movie will rule the day boils down to the essence of the movie itself, that which it is about: Old (or at least middle-aged) dudes with cool old-timey facial hair yelling at each other.

I think Spielberg hit on a formula here and rode it to eventual Oscar success. "Lincoln" is a winner because of it. Old dudes with cool old-timey facial hair yelling at each other.

Even in real life, I could sit and watch guys talk about the most arcane subjects for hours on end if the dynamic were anything like the depiction of Congress in the film. Granted, the 13th Amendment is most certainly not comparable to haggling over...I don't know, soybean quotas, but the fact is that watching people just discussing an amendment is a captivating spectacle in this circumstance.

How cool C-SPAN would be if our representatives took to the floor sporting big ol' mutton chops and exclaimed "By Jove!" And certainly any elected official who preceded a crucial voice vote on a historically significant proposition by muttering, "Aw, hell with it," would deserve to be appointed for life. Term limits be damned for the gent (or woman; I really don't mean to exclude the ladies) who combined that era's brand of mustache/beard with its florid oratory (unless the oratory were ABOUT term limits, in which case, by Jove,I'd be spellbound but confused). The nation would be a better place and the populace more engaged.

Of course, the politicians we have today, all modern and stuff with their fancy razors and their non-smallpox-scarred faces, don't feel the need to turn a Congressional session into a political version of "Whisker Wars." So the best we can hope for is that more ambitious filmmakers follow up and produce more historical epics with more follicles and more yelling. I'd wager that even a Millard Fillmore biopic could do good business and scoop up plenty of awards if it were done like this. Of course, the minute I pitched it, some Hollywood suit with a memory would try to intervene and say, "We already did a duck picture. Howard the Duck bombed. Next!"

After writing this all down, my formula for success looks a little...shallow. Yelling? Facial hair? OK, I'll admit it's rather insubstantial. But I just thought of another thing that makes this kind of movie special, something more profound, a cinematic element that cuts right through to the soul and is also easily transferable to the contemporary political scene: Cool hats. Who's with me on that one, huh?