NFL Watchability Power Rankings: AFC

As a baseball guy, the arrival of a new NFL season fills me with resentment that everyone seems eager to drop the pennant races to check out another installment of the Pro Football Hype Machine. But I must admit I'm looking forward to watching some games myself this weekend. However, I like watching some teams a lot more than others. Here is my own personal AFC rankings--based on my own personal biases, relative coolness of the teams, and overall watchability. OK, mostly my own personal biases.

1) Pittsburgh Steelers: The Greatest Franchise in the History of the Game. If God isn't a Steeler fan, than why is...uh, a bumblebee black and yellow? I mean , we all know how important bees are, right?

2) Indianapolis Colts: Some folks are turned off by Peyton Manning's shtick of barking out audibles right up to the last minute at the line of scrimmage. Hate all you want; I enjoy watching him. The Colts are a fun team, and I like seeing them go about their business. I've counted on them in recent years to provide a check on the Patriots' dominance of the conference. Plus my wife likes them, and if they're on TV, I don't usually have any choice but to watch them, anyway.

[NOTE: Every other team in the AFC ranges from "Eh" to "Ugh," so the rest of these rankings may be rather arbitrary]

3) Houston Texans and 4) Tennesee Titans: To be honest, I don't care about these teams, but I like seeing them lose to the Steelers and the Colts.

(Texans fans, you get a chance to make me eat these words in Week 1.)

5) Buffalo Bills: I used to resent this franchise for screwing up the Super Bowl, but now they're just kind of there. Well, actually, they're in Canada, but that's another story. No truth to the rumors that NBC will show them 8 consecutive times this year as their final tribute to the late Tim Russert.

6) Kansas City Chiefs: Even with an ex-Penn Stater at RB, this team really has no appeal to me. Why are they so high on my list, then? Well, I kind of went to the end and worked my way back, and the Chiefs are much less objectionable than most of the others.

7) San Diego Chargers: I've made fun of them for their steroid abusers, and it's annoying hearing Chris Berman sing "San Diego Super Chargers" each time he mentions them, but otherwise, at least they provide some good football.

8) Miami Dolphins: Yeah, they stunk last year, but, ooh, they got an old fat guy who likes to act like a prick, so now they're supposed to be good or something. Does the guy throw passes? No. Does he run the ball? No. Make tackles? Throw blocks? Handle the long snapping? No, Bill Parcells just runs the organization.

9) Oakland Raiders: What has happened to the Oakland Raiders? They're not even entertainingly bad, just generic. Even that Super Bowl team of 5 or so years ago is barely a memory now. Worst of all, the Bengals stole their jailhouse cred. Al Davis, just thug it up, baby!

[NOTE: Now we enter the portion of our rankings featuring teams I'll be rooting against this season.]

10) Denver Broncos: I used to HATE this team back when they were winning playoff games with John Elway. Now I just actively dislike them.

11) New England Patriots: The Spygaters would normally deserve even more ire, but I must admit they at least play entertaining football. Plus, my parents live in Massachusetts, and somehow it's fun to go up there and see the local media fawn over the team.

12) Cleveland Browns: I used to pity Browns fans for getting screwed by Art Modell; now that the franchise might be moving in the right direction, I need to keep building up traditional Steeler fan hatred of the Brownies.

13) Cincinnati Bengals: I never got into "Oz" when it was on HBO, and I never get into the Bengals when they're on CBS.

14) New York Jets: I've long thought the Jets were stunningly generic and boring for a team in the media capital of the country. Unfortunately, because the team DOES play in New York--well, close enough--we're expected to care about them. This only gets worse now that Brett Favre is on board. It's starting already, as CBS puts the Jets and Dolphins--two mediocre teams in a weak division--as its main game.

15) Baltimore Ravens: A few years ago, I ventured into Ravens territory to see them massacre the Steelers. One older gentleman sitting next to me was incredibly nice and chatted with me in a friendly manner the whole afternoon. Unfortunately, he was surrounded by about 70,000 other people. Talk about a miserable day!

The problem with the Ravens is this: Ravens fans think all year about beating the Steelers. Steelers fans think all year about winning the Super Bowl.

Living in Northern Virginia, I'm often stuck with Baltimore games on Sunday afternoons. As a Pittsburgh fan, I don't want to see the Ravens on my TV, rival or no. I want to see highlights of them losing, and then I want them to disappear.

Wow, even though the AFC is clearly the dominant conference these days, it doesn't offer a whole lot of teams that I can stand watching. Oh, I'll watch Chargers-Patriots if it's on and hope that it's a barnburner, but I can't get too enthusiastic about it.

Next up, a look at the NFC, which has a team even more heinous than the Ravens...