5Q Movie Review: I Love You, Beth Cooper

Q: Is this as good as the book?

A: No, it isn't anywhere near as good. The book is a riot, one of the most entertaining novels I've read in some time. The movie...not so funny. It tries, but it just can't get it quite right. Now, it doesn't "desecrate" the source material or anything; it just can't capture the comic tone that works so well in print.

Q: Who is this Beth Cooper, and why is she so danged lovable?

A: Cooper is the most popular chick at braniac valedictorian Denis Cooverman's high school--blonde, cheerleader, etc. Cooverman's impulsive blurting out of the title phrase during his commencement speech sets a whole chain of wild and wacky teen movie events in motion. If you love Hayden Panettiere, you may love her character as well. The movie tries to flesh her out and show her to be more than just a fantasy object, but while she comes off as a bit more complex in the novel, on screen she still seems like a cliche.

Q: Hey, speaking of "fleshing out," this is an R-rated movie, so we have to ask...

A: Oh, come off it. Hayden is not naked, though she wears insanely short shorts in one of her earliest scenes, and later in the film there's a locker room in which she (I'm assuming it's not a double, though her face is unseen) shows enough side boobage to reinforce how airbrushed she is on the DVD box cover.

Q: Why is the word "boobage" only ever used in conjunction with the word "side"?

A: I don't know offhand, and I fear now that William Safire has left us, we may never get the full explanation.

Q: Back to the (lack of) quality of the film: This is because of that hack director Chris Columbus, isn't it? Come on, just tell us, HE botched this, didn't he?

A: No, I don't know if that's the case. I know he's unpopular in many circles, but I just never got a sense while hanging with "Cooper" (sorry) that, "Wow, this would be so much funnier if the Coen brothers directed it." It may well be that a more skilled, creative auteur could figure out how to translate the arch ominiscient narratation that drives the novel to the big screen. Perhaps such a filmmaker would pull off the trick of presenting coming-of-age cliches while seeming fresh. Maybe this director could, like the original text, reference other popular movies and works of fiction without seeming to ape them. Columbus isn't that person, but the movie is not a disaster. It just never quite gets it, providing an amusing experience at best.