Friday, September 18, 2009

50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV Part 4 (31-40)

We're celebrating the start of the TV season and answering Rolling Stone's "50 reasons to love TV" with a list of our own this week.

31) The character "Twist" on Nickelodeon's new show "Fresh Beat Team": I don't think enough research exists on the harmful effects of beatboxing idiots on young children. Until I can be sure, I don't think I want to risk my daughter's development by exposing her to this yahoo.

32) Shows that run late and screw up your DVR recordings: There hasn't been a technological innovation yet that a TV network couldn't ruin.

33) Whatever TV Land has become: Better women and men and me have ranted about what happened to the once-great classic TV outlet--including myself, back when I was better. So now I'll just say whatever you're selling, TV Land, I ain't buying.

34) "The Rachel Zoe Project": It's a reality show about a woman who picks what stars wear. She doesn't even dress them herself; she picks what they wear. The real "Project" should involve trying to locate Bravo's credibility. This vapid series makes "The Real Housewives of..." look like "Masterpiece Theater." (NOTE: Saying "The Real Houswives of..." make "Rachel Zoe" look like "Masterpiece Theater" is also acceptable, depending on which show irritates you more)

35) Results shows: In an era when everything else on TV gets smaller--the number of episodes a season, the length of a show w/o commercials, the audiences--competition shows manage to stretch 5 minutes of reveal into an hour or more of filler.

36) The NHL Network: If I cared about hockey, I'd be mighty disappointed in this outfit. During the offseason, the MLB and NFL networks have daily shows updating fans on offseason news and events. The NHL gives you...game replays--not even gems from the vault, either, but contests from, like, last year, or maybe as "far back" as 2007. Is there just not anything interesting to talk about in the NHL?

37) Pundits: They're everywhere, be they talking about sports, politics, movies, or whatever, and they get way too much airtime. What, just because everyone has an opinion means we have to see them shout it out on national television? This trend is almost as obnoxious as the ubiquitous phenomenon of know-it-alls writing blogs and framing their inconsequential rants in the form of snarky lists.

38) Reality on History Channel: Have you looked at its prime time lineup lately? We didn't know how good we had it when it was the so-called Hitler Channel. If Tony Soprano sat down and turned History on only to find an Ice Road Truckers marathon, he'd send his TV on a ride to the countryside with Sil.

39) Lack of theme songs: There should be more theme songs we can sing along to, period. What are the kids of today going to have going through their head 20 years from now? Math and science?

40) Si TV showing reruns of "Freddie" weeknights: The history of Latinos on American television must be grim, indeed, if this is a cornerstone of someone's programming strategy.

We'll finish the list Sunday. Come back tomorrow for a trip to the Vault of Coolness.

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