Things Only I Want to See: Raising the Stakes

Nowadays every returning television program tells us it's "raising the stakes" for the upcoming season. You can't read about a show that's coming back without seeing a showrunner assure us that "the stakes are gonna be higher for  ___."

It's ridiculous. In this year's "Entertainment Weekly" Fall TV issue, even "Nathan for You" pulled this bit.

Why do the stakes have to be higher? Why can't the show just be better? Those aren't mutually exclusive.

What I would like to see is a showrunner tell us that the stakes will be LOWER next season.

"Things are going to be a lot more chill this season."
"The stakes have never been lower for the team."
"There will not be so much at stake for the staff this year."
"Things are much more relaxed, and it'll just feel like a comfortable status quo for the gang for a change."

Hey, I'd love to see it.

Things Only I Want to See: Cannon

I was looking at a list of best-selling books on my Kindle the other day, and I was stunned to see one title pop up: "Cannon: A Stepbrother Romance." I knew it wasn't what I first thought it was, but would it be so bad if there were an erotica series devoted to William Conrad's Frank Cannon character?

"I'll caress you in a minute, my lambchop...but first, where's that lambchop?"



OK, maybe it would be, but I still wish someone would make a Cannon Fanfic series.

(NOTE: I am actually too chicken to look and verify that no one has)

Things Only I Want to See: Drive-In Follies

Someone should put together a montage of vintage film clips showing hapless drive-in customers pulling away without replacing the speakers. I want to see cars racing off and bringing a little stake or post out of the ground. I want to see a cheap little speaker dragging along in the grass behind the vehicle. It's beyond cliché at this point, but you have to admit "Yakety Sax" would be the perfect musical accompaniment for this parade of wackiness.

Maybe we could even get some footage of sheepish patrons handing over a tangled mass of cable or wire to a bemused attendant. Ideally the camera angle would show Dad's family in the background, trying to duck out of sight.

Does anyone have this kind of material—genuine examples of this, mind you, from the glory days of the drive-in—on hand? I doubt there's enough to make a 5-minute gag reel, let alone a feature film. Boy, would I pay to see a documentary just about that, though. That has to be the funniest aspect of drive-in theater history.

Things Only I Want to See: Night Ranger

A friend and I were talking about seminal 1980s band Night Ranger the other day. Why? Hey, like we need a reason to talk about Night Ranger.

Anyway, the discussion, mostly focusing on the ridiculousness of the "Sister Christian" video, made me realize that I want to see a big Night Ranger comeback, but not just a triumphant world tour and maybe new album. I want to see a big 3-D Imax concert film to immortalize that tour, and I want that film to be directed by Martin Scorcese.

"Martin Scorcese Presents: Night Ranger: (You Can Still) Rock in America" would be the cinematic event of the year. I want this movie to be shot with a big budget, with cameras out the wazoo, with no holds barred.

I want the hits, I want headbands, and I want that drummer guy with the un-rock name of "Kelly" to rock out on vocals when appropriate. And while Jack Blades is a must, I also want that original keyboardist who I used to think looked Michael O'Donoghue even when I didn't really know who Michael O'Donoghue was. I understand he's out of the band right now. Get him back.

I want the music and the band to be prominent, of course, but I want to see the celebrities. Like, in between songs, we'd see big shots like Jack Nicholson and Leo DiCaprio addressing the camera about why they love Night Ranger and how they wouldn't miss this event for the world.

I want a limited release in L.A. and New York to build buzz, followed by a huge release all over America, which will presumably be still rockin' by then.

Tell me THAT isn't gonna be a clear-your-schedule, get-a-babysitter, brave-the-crowds kind of happening! Make it happen, Marty. Do it.

Things Only I Want to See #2: Richard Gere's Revenge

You all know that rumor about Richard Gere, right? The unspeakable urban legend that somehow became so mainstream, it may have gone back the other way so that people now assume it IS just an urban legend?

Well, this is how prevalent it is: On the IMDB page for the new Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Guinea Pigs in Action movie, "G Force," if you scroll down to the "FAQ" section, the second-most-asked query, right after, "Is this related to the anime series?" is actually...

Hey, wait, someone removed it.

Darn it all! Well, you'll have to take my word for it. As of last week, the second question in the FAQ was actually, "Is Richard Gere involved?"

Poor Richard Gere. That urban legend just won't go away, and it's even being dragged into the sphere of alleged family movies like "G-Force."

I guess my bringing it up doesn't help any, but I am going to make amends by presenting a great way for the actor to get a little revenge. I want to see Richard Gere in a movie...playing Richard Gere. This film would be written by Charlie Kaufman and possibly directed by Spike Jonze. You with me here?

OK, now check this out: In the movie, Richard Gere is determined to track down the originator of that urban legend. He embarks on an obsessive quest to find someone--anyone--he can pummel for starting the rumor. It seems futile, and he alienates many around him, but along the way he discovers just how pervasive the story is (he's been shielded from it to a large extent until now), which reaffirms his drive.

There are lots of twists and turns and head-trippy stuff because it's Charlie Kaufman.

As the film reaches its climax (should I give a SPOILER ALERT for a movie that doesn't exist?), in some amazing miracle, Gere is able to isolate one man as the originator of the urban legend. However, in a fantastic turn of events, we learn that the man is himself part gerbil. Furthermore, he is the spawn of a brief but torrid union between Richard Gere and a--well, you know...

So you might be thinking, yeah, this sounds like an awesome movie, but how does this benefit Richard Gere? How does he get his revenge? It's simple. In the last scene, he smacks the gerbil over the head with a shovel.

I'm telling you, this would be a brilliant piece of cinema. Hollywood, make it happen!

Things Only I Want to See #1

I want to see a music video, one made by some relatively youngish pop star, preferably male. I want to see him cover Christopher Cross' "Sailing" in some kind of live venue, maybe a small concert hall that looks good on TV. Playing the piano would be a plus, as he could sit down and tickle the ivories to accompany himself in a tasteful fashion.

Then, about several minutes into the performance, I want to see him stand up, walk out from behind the piano, and say to the crowd, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Christopher Cross!"

And I want to see the audience go nuts as Cross strides out from behind a curtain, microphone in hand, and acknowledges the warm reception with a big hand before launching into a triumphant chorus of "Sailing."

Then the younger star would embrace him on stage before both would advance to the front of the stage and sing one transcendent chorus together.

"SAILING '09." I'm telling you, this would be GOLD. Do it, somebody. Make it happen.