Box Office Preview: This Is It

(Note: The following post is the result of exhaustive market research, precise scientific analyses, and our own top-secret box office prediction formulas. Don't mix us up with those other scrubs that just guess.)

Tomorrow sees the debut of the highly touted Michael Jackson "concert film," or at least "rehearsal for a concert" film, "This Is It," and many people are curious as to how much it will earn at the box office. These people are, of course, mostly Jackson family members, corporate stooges, and other hangers-on all interested in exploiting the dead pop star for a buck or two.

But even those of us not in that category can take an interest in predicting the box office success of this anticipated event. We shouldn't, but we can. Here, then, are Cultureshark's official predictions.

*If "This Is It" reaches the $10 million mark in the first few days, it will go on to gross much more than that over the course of the weekend. We are confident in saying on record that this will happen.

*If it eventually reaches the $25 million mark, Michael Jackson really will be the King of Pop, as he declared himself. It'll be official, cold, hard fact, and no one will be able to dispute this.

* That $25 million mark, however, is a mere glass of Jesus Juice compared to what we see as the ultimate number this movie will reach: Our analysis indicates that "This Is It" will gross $87,340,754.

This is a significant number because it exceeds the $87,340,000 figure needed for Michael Jackson himself to return to Earth, greet his minions, and reclaim his throne as the rightful terrestrial King of Pop. There will be mass hysteria and confusion, followed by a peaceful euphoria, then finally an extended state of bliss as the citizenry acclimates itself again to life in the Kingdom of Michael Jackson.

Box Office Preview

Our fearless box office predictions are the product of minutes of number-crunching and Dorito-crunching.

*"The Watchmen" will make a lot of money.

*Some will say it's not enough money.

*Others will say it's plenty.

*At least 10 different media outlets will feature some variant of the phrase "Who Watches the Watchmen" in their weekend box office reports on Monday.

*There will be people who can't get into some evening screenings of "The Watchmen." They will be asked if they'd like to see something else, like "He's Just Not That Into You." They will go home.

*Less people will see the Jonas Brothers movie than did the week before. This will lead to more "Are the Jonases done?" stories.

*If the Jonases go see "The Watchmen," they will be asked if they liked it. Their admissions will not count towards the box office numbers.

Weekend Box Office Preview

My unofficial predictions:

The Indiana Jones movie will make a lot of money but not enough to not be called "a disappointment."

The Narnia movie will make a lot of money, too, but not nearly as much as the Indiana Jones movie.

Futhermore, look for the Iron Man movie to make a lot of money but not as much as the Indiana Jones movie. It will however, make much more money than the new Hulk movie, which doesn't open for weeks yet.

There will be a few other new movies that no one will care about. Plus people will go to see other films not mentioned above because, after all, we have to fill out a Top 10 list.

And that's YOUR Box Weekend Office Preview for May 23.