Toys R Us closing inspires some false narratives

You know the "retail apocalypse" is bad when the nation can't support a toy store chain. Toys R Us is closing all of its stores. All of them. This is a sad day for America.

I am not just sad, though, but angry reading all the false narratives out there. Here are a few I keep seeing and why I ain't buying them:

FALSE NARRATIVE: The Internet killed Toys R Us
How about it was just managed poorly? The stores often looked kind of dumpy, but they did business. We can't blame everything on the Internet. Maybe some of the debt restructuring plans killed it.

If people buy all their toys on Amazon, they are not doing their homework. Many if not most toys on Amazon are priced over regular retail price and are subject to wild fluctuations and quick shortages. Toys R Us is never a great bargain paradise, but even MSRP is better than paying inflated third-party vendor prices online, not to mention outrageous shipping costs.

FALSE NARRATIVE: Kids don't play with toys anymore. They play with tablets, video games, etc.
Ridiculous. Maybe out in public. You don't see a kid take a GI Joe playset down to the park or with him on a trip to the store, but at home, kids love playing with toys if you let them.

FALSE NARRATIVE:  Toys R Us sells only junk like movie and cartoon tie-ins and nothing that appealed to kids' imaginations.
Another goofy talking point. Every store I visit features an aisle each devoted to the following brands: Imaginarium, Melissa and Doug, Crayola...  You see stuff with Animal Planet and Discovery Channel branding, plus classics like Crayola and specific old-school favorites like Lincoln Logs.

As my astute sister points out, stores that are devoted to "imagination" toys have one thing in common: they have outrageous prices. Parents who can afford to overpay on adult things can afford to overpay for "smart" toys, but the rest of the population would like a place to get stuff at reasonable prices.

Let's hope the major general merchandise joints step up their game. Wal-Mart is great on price, Target less so. Both shrink their selections after Christmas shopping season. I just refuse to believe that this country is done buying toys in stores. This isn't like DVDs or books or all these other things that are going online. Kids like to see stuff, and parents like to see what they are buying their kids.  Maybe we need a return of this place:

Brooks on Books: Boys' Toys by Jed Novick

I found this compact 128-page 2005 hardcover at the liberry and couldn't resist exploring the world of classic "boys' toys" like G.I. Joe, Lionel Trains, and even less stereotypically gender-specific items like Viewmaster. Jed Novick's text is sharp, and the design is outstanding. I just wish the book were bigger.

128 pages, including an index, intro, and table of contents, doesn't leave a lot of room. Novick includes a lot of mostly Baby Boomer-era toys, but he lacks the space to really get into them. So each section has a brief origin of the toy and maybe a fun fact or two, plus a picture, but, man, it really leaves you wanting more.

Novick's a clever writer who could do a lot more, and he tries to make the most of the limitations. It's amazing that the book reads as a tribute to All-American childhoods when he himself is English and the book was developed in the U.K. Many toys don't even get a full page, though, and few get more than one. We're not talking about one specific thing, either--I mean, like, Matchbox cars get a two-page spread. It's frustrating to see a reference to a rare variant or a famous action figure in a line and not see a pic.

Let's focus on the positive, though: Boys' Toys shows affection for its subject but is not too reverent. Novick keeps things light and includes some funny comments but strikes the right tone and doesn't sacrifice information. As I said, the design is eye-catching, loaded with color and vivid photographs.

Subtitled "An Illustrated History of Little Things That Pleased Big Minds," Boys' Toys succeeds in providing an attractive survey of famous playthings like Mego figures, board games, and erector sets It doesn't aim to be encyclopedic, and it serves as a great gift item or appetizer for people wanting a warm blast of nostalgia. It sure would be great to see Novick get a chance to do something a little more detailed, though!

'Mooners Monday #10: Who's up for some acrion figures

Two of my favorite collectibles (term grown men use for "dolls") are the Honyemooners "limited edition" Ralph and Ed deals distributed by Exclusive Toy Products in 1997. I am looking at them right now, and it makes me realize, hey, I would love to have some 'Mooners action figures  (another term grown men use for "dolls").

Exclusive also made an Alice Kramden in this series, but I don't have it because...I am a raging sexist pig? No, I honestly do not recall. I wish I had one now. In fact, I wish I had a Trixie, too. Poor Joyce Randolph always gets the shift in merchandising.

If we could receive an action figure line today, surely it would be loaded with Ralphs and Eds, but let me put forth a proposal for a more balanced line that slips in some of the beloved supporting characters who stood out on the series. Here, then, is my proposal for a 4-stage Honeymooners action figure series.

Series 1:
Ralph Classic (bus driver uniform)
Ed Classic (usual outfit)
Alice Classic
Trixie Classic
Ralph as "The human pinball machine" from "The Man from Space"

NOTES: I'd love to see another character in the first batch, but realistically, they'd slip in another Ralph, and I think his Halloween costume would make a great visual for a toy.

Series 2:
Raccoon Ralph
Raccoon Ed
Alice the Vamp (from "Alice and the Blonde")
HAR-vey (from "The Bensonhurst Bomber")
Ralph the Golfer

NOTES: Gets them in the coonskin caps, introduces one of my favorite one-off characters in Harvey (his figure would be even bigger than your Shirley figure). I imagine in this enlightened day and age, any company might strive to get at least one female figure in each series, so we go with Alice all dolled up for Ralph, "I call you killer 'cause you slay me). Another funny outfit for Ralph rounds out this series.

Series 3:
Janitor Ralph
Sleepwalking Ed Norton
Pyschiatrist
Mrs. Manicotti
"Funny Money" Ralph

NOTES: I will never give up my dream of a big publicity push for Mrs. Manicotti. I love the idea of a slot for George Petrie, who appeared in seemingly half of the episodes as various characters, and the "Psychiatrist" in the sleepwalking episode is a fun visual and a nice tie-in with a pajama-clad, eyes-shut Norton. Got  to love Ralph as the janitor and in that outrageous suit he got when he thought he found a briefcase full of money.

Series 4:
Better Living Through TV Ralph
Better Living Through TV Ed
Mrs. Gibson
Carlos
Bowling Ralph

NOTES: The boys in their chef outfits would be great, and maybe we can get a playset of the commercial stage so the Ralph figure can knock it down. Carlos the suave mambo instructor gets a figure, we get Ralph in a bowling jacket, and perhaps the most feared villain of all is the female slot in this assortment: Ralph's mother-in-law!

Series 5:
Captain Video Ed Norton
Young at Heart Ralph
Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler
Herb Norris
Thelma the Maid

NOTES:  The only villain who could rival Alice's mom as a villain is the maid the Kramdens hire in "A Woman's Work is Never Done." I get my favorite fictional game show host Herb Norris in here, the Raccoon ruler is worth a spot for the uniform alone, and I must admit this Norton would be kind of lame, but the space ranger helmet itself would be pretty cool.  Rounding out this last series is Ralph with his varsity duds and skates.

There's my list, and as much as it pains me to not get a figure for Mr. Marshall, Tony Amico, or Andre, I think I'm pushing it as it is with many of these selections.

Batman 66 retro action figures--here's who I want to see

The explosion of merchandising of the 1966 Batman TV series is leading to some of the ancillary characters getting their due. I just discovered the ongoing line of Mego-style figures made by Figures Toy Company now includes the likes of:

There are also King Tut, Barbara Gordon, and more! I had no idea these existed (or perhaps I heard about them, saw the decidedly-unretro price, and forgot about them), and I think it's great the secondary villains are getting some merch. Maybe someday we can get a Chad and Jeremy set, a Sammy Davis Jr. peeking through the window figure, and maybe even a line of villain molls (R.I.P. Francine York, the Bookworm's Lydia).

In the meantime, I hope to see these guys in the next set:

I would strongly consider buying those, even at 25 bucks a pop. I would take a long, hard look at these were they to be manufactured: