Box Office Preview: This Is It

(Note: The following post is the result of exhaustive market research, precise scientific analyses, and our own top-secret box office prediction formulas. Don't mix us up with those other scrubs that just guess.)

Tomorrow sees the debut of the highly touted Michael Jackson "concert film," or at least "rehearsal for a concert" film, "This Is It," and many people are curious as to how much it will earn at the box office. These people are, of course, mostly Jackson family members, corporate stooges, and other hangers-on all interested in exploiting the dead pop star for a buck or two.

But even those of us not in that category can take an interest in predicting the box office success of this anticipated event. We shouldn't, but we can. Here, then, are Cultureshark's official predictions.

*If "This Is It" reaches the $10 million mark in the first few days, it will go on to gross much more than that over the course of the weekend. We are confident in saying on record that this will happen.

*If it eventually reaches the $25 million mark, Michael Jackson really will be the King of Pop, as he declared himself. It'll be official, cold, hard fact, and no one will be able to dispute this.

* That $25 million mark, however, is a mere glass of Jesus Juice compared to what we see as the ultimate number this movie will reach: Our analysis indicates that "This Is It" will gross $87,340,754.

This is a significant number because it exceeds the $87,340,000 figure needed for Michael Jackson himself to return to Earth, greet his minions, and reclaim his throne as the rightful terrestrial King of Pop. There will be mass hysteria and confusion, followed by a peaceful euphoria, then finally an extended state of bliss as the citizenry acclimates itself again to life in the Kingdom of Michael Jackson.