41) "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant": Oh, come on! How could you NOT know? I'm convinced that this TLC show is bogus. Maybe one or two cases like this are legit, enough to fill an occasional special. But a regular series? No way!
42) WWE 24/7 not showing AWA footage: Vince McMahon apparently owns a bunch of old AWA footage and hardly does anything with it. To you non-wrestling fans, this is like if a TV channel had the rights to a bunch of cool old shows and just sat on them, or if a film/video company had video distribution rights to a bunch of old movies and never released them. Hmm, in other words, pretty much what happens in every sector of showbiz. Maybe I shouldn't be so worked up about this, especially since I don't even get WWE 24/7 anymore. Oh, well.
43) Food Network shows: They all make such awesome-looking food, food that I will never make. I'm not one of those "foodies" that watches a lot of Food Network, but I do resent flipping by, seeing something tasty-looking, knowing I will never have it, then going upstairs and getting some junk food before heading back down to watch sports.
44) "Your show has been canceled.": OK, so I MAY have been watching some HGTV with my wife and we MAY have watched the last X number of minutes of "Design Star." That's not important right now. What IS important is that this ridiculous catchphrase is what the host tells the eliminated contestant each episode. Apparently since the winner gets an HGTV show, see, that makes the catchphrase apt. Your show has been canceled? Clearly that's a tagline created just for the sake of having one. Let this entry in my list serve not merely as a rebuke to this particular competition show, but to all the lame competition shows that repeat the same cliches all across the dial.
45) "Deal or No Deal": Somehow, this annoying game show, bad enough in NBC primetime, infiltrated daytime syndication and GSN. It is now seen more than ever, and I still think it's lurking somewhere, waiting for NBC's new shows to fail so it can come back in and fist-bump its way into our consciousness. To me, the ubiquity of THIS, not the new Leno program, was the first sign that NBC had thrown in the towel. America, we have a long and proud tradition of idiotic game shows, but clearly we can do better than people choosing briefcases.
46) Homogeneity: No, this isn't a lame joke about Jai Rodriguez surfacing on GSN afternoons for some reason (though that does seem odd). See, I hear tell of the good, old days, when you could go to a different city and actually expect to see local programming that was characteristic of its area, something distinctive from what you'd see in another market. Nowadays, everything is the same, even the news is barely local, and cable is mostly just as bland and unsurprising as the broadcast television it originally spiced up.
47) But then again...(RTN): Of course, homogeneity isn't necessarily a bad thing if it means you at least get it right. I love the idea of Retro Television Network, and its model of letting affiliates program their own local channels from a selection of library programs sounds good in theory. In practice, it looks like all the RTN model offers is massive screwups in every market. Put old shows on the air, repeat, repeat again: Sounds simple, right? We're all rooting for RTN to get its act together, but when you see an episode repeat several days in a row, or several "reels" within an episode air out of order, well, you might feel like turning off the tube and burying your nose in one of those inky-looking things with the paper and the shiny covers.
48) Tyler Perry Broadcasting System: "House of Payne." "Meet the Browns." "Tyler Perry Interviewing People to Hype His New Movie." (I may be misremembering this last one) If this were a "Pyramid" category, it would be "Crap that dominates TBS' schedule." Any day now, I expect to see "Tyler Perry's $100,000 Pyramid," with the celebrities consisting of the castmembers of his sitcoms, and youneverknow, you just might see Madea turn up at some point. Remember when TBS aired "New Leave It to Beaver" and "Rocky Road"? Sure, that stuff was crap, too, but it was crap done by different people. I don't think any one man should have this control over TBS' primetime lineup, with the obvious exceptions of Jim Crockett, Ted Turner, and Andy Griffith.
49) "Twilight Weekly" on Reelz: A whole show about the "phenomenon" that is "Twilight." I haven't watched it yet, so I don't know if it's sponsored by Hot Topic and Cinnabon, but no matter what the show's presentation or quality, it feels like overkill. I'll bet it's the highest-rated thing on Reelz, which is somehow even more dismaying. What, Leonard Maltin's not enough of a draw for lovestruck teenage girls?
50) Gilad on Fit TV: Remember back when ESPN and ESPN2 used to show afternoon and early-morning fitness programs consisting of scantily clad women bouncing and twisting around? Well, if you tried to catch any of these fine productions, you always risked running into this guy and his faux-macho, male-dominated, decidedly UNsexy "Bodies in Motion." The guy seemed to actually care about exercise or something, when all many of us cared about was Leeann Tweeden. Well, the guy is back, and though Fit TV doesn't offer the same brand of "fitness program" that ESPN pioneered, his constant presence is a reminder of the disappointment many a male viewer experienced on seeing HIM running in slow motion.
And with that, we're done. This list of 50 reasons is "a mere bag of shells," but it's representative, and I feel it's a much more accurate portrait of television than "Rolling Stone's" 50 Best Reasons to Watch TV.
Showing posts with label 50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV Part 4 (31-40)
We're celebrating the start of the TV season and answering Rolling Stone's "50 reasons to love TV" with a list of our own this week.
32) Shows that run late and screw up your DVR recordings: There hasn't been a technological innovation yet that a TV network couldn't ruin.
33) Whatever TV Land has become: Better women and men and me have ranted about what happened to the once-great classic TV outlet--including myself, back when I was better. So now I'll just say whatever you're selling, TV Land, I ain't buying.
34) "The Rachel Zoe Project": It's a reality show about a woman who picks what stars wear. She doesn't even dress them herself; she picks what they wear. The real "Project" should involve trying to locate Bravo's credibility. This vapid series makes "The Real Housewives of..." look like "Masterpiece Theater." (NOTE: Saying "The Real Houswives of..." make "Rachel Zoe" look like "Masterpiece Theater" is also acceptable, depending on which show irritates you more)
35) Results shows: In an era when everything else on TV gets smaller--the number of episodes a season, the length of a show w/o commercials, the audiences--competition shows manage to stretch 5 minutes of reveal into an hour or more of filler.
36) The NHL Network: If I cared about hockey, I'd be mighty disappointed in this outfit. During the offseason, the MLB and NFL networks have daily shows updating fans on offseason news and events. The NHL gives you...game replays--not even gems from the vault, either, but contests from, like, last year, or maybe as "far back" as 2007. Is there just not anything interesting to talk about in the NHL?
37) Pundits: They're everywhere, be they talking about sports, politics, movies, or whatever, and they get way too much airtime. What, just because everyone has an opinion means we have to see them shout it out on national television? This trend is almost as obnoxious as the ubiquitous phenomenon of know-it-alls writing blogs and framing their inconsequential rants in the form of snarky lists.
38) Reality on History Channel: Have you looked at its prime time lineup lately? We didn't know how good we had it when it was the so-called Hitler Channel. If Tony Soprano sat down and turned History on only to find an Ice Road Truckers marathon, he'd send his TV on a ride to the countryside with Sil.
39) Lack of theme songs: There should be more theme songs we can sing along to, period. What are the kids of today going to have going through their head 20 years from now? Math and science?
40) Si TV showing reruns of "Freddie" weeknights: The history of Latinos on American television must be grim, indeed, if this is a cornerstone of someone's programming strategy.
We'll finish the list Sunday. Come back tomorrow for a trip to the Vault of Coolness.
33) Whatever TV Land has become: Better women and men and me have ranted about what happened to the once-great classic TV outlet--including myself, back when I was better. So now I'll just say whatever you're selling, TV Land, I ain't buying.
34) "The Rachel Zoe Project": It's a reality show about a woman who picks what stars wear. She doesn't even dress them herself; she picks what they wear. The real "Project" should involve trying to locate Bravo's credibility. This vapid series makes "The Real Housewives of..." look like "Masterpiece Theater." (NOTE: Saying "The Real Houswives of..." make "Rachel Zoe" look like "Masterpiece Theater" is also acceptable, depending on which show irritates you more)
35) Results shows: In an era when everything else on TV gets smaller--the number of episodes a season, the length of a show w/o commercials, the audiences--competition shows manage to stretch 5 minutes of reveal into an hour or more of filler.
36) The NHL Network: If I cared about hockey, I'd be mighty disappointed in this outfit. During the offseason, the MLB and NFL networks have daily shows updating fans on offseason news and events. The NHL gives you...game replays--not even gems from the vault, either, but contests from, like, last year, or maybe as "far back" as 2007. Is there just not anything interesting to talk about in the NHL?
37) Pundits: They're everywhere, be they talking about sports, politics, movies, or whatever, and they get way too much airtime. What, just because everyone has an opinion means we have to see them shout it out on national television? This trend is almost as obnoxious as the ubiquitous phenomenon of know-it-alls writing blogs and framing their inconsequential rants in the form of snarky lists.
38) Reality on History Channel: Have you looked at its prime time lineup lately? We didn't know how good we had it when it was the so-called Hitler Channel. If Tony Soprano sat down and turned History on only to find an Ice Road Truckers marathon, he'd send his TV on a ride to the countryside with Sil.
39) Lack of theme songs: There should be more theme songs we can sing along to, period. What are the kids of today going to have going through their head 20 years from now? Math and science?
40) Si TV showing reruns of "Freddie" weeknights: The history of Latinos on American television must be grim, indeed, if this is a cornerstone of someone's programming strategy.
We'll finish the list Sunday. Come back tomorrow for a trip to the Vault of Coolness.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV Part 3 (#21-30)
21) Local news: It makes you sit through stories that are either pointless or depressing in order to get to what really matters: The weather forecast. And then that's usually off, anyway.
22) BBC America: Thousands of hours of programming, past and present, to try to obtain, and this network settles for endless airings of "How Clean Is Your House?" The American Beeb doesn't show enough of what you want it to show, and when it does, it's hacked up for extra adverts.
23) On Demand...but On Their Terms: FIOS-TV's selection of NBC On Demand shows looks expansive, but there's a big problem: Fast forward and rewind are disabled on each episode! Imagine how aggravating this would be if NBC had anything worth demanding.
24) Infomercials: I miss the days when, at the end of a day of programming, you got a nice, solid test pattern. Of course, these days infomercials all over the place and all over the clock, but they never hawk anything cool--except those TimeLife CD sets. Those can stay.
25) Awards shows: The only time we care about what happens on one of these things is when someone acts like an a-hole. There are enough places to see a-holes on TV without manufacturing pseudo-events to give them more of a platform.
26) VH-1 reality shows: Hey, speaking of platforms for a-holes...Most all these kind of shows are terrible, but VH-1 somehow manages to create the most annoying (given a bigger budget, I'll bet Fox Reality could compete). Maybe it's because theirs breed murderers?
27) "Whatever, Martha": Fine Living Network airs a program that consists of Martha Stewart's daughter and some gravy-training pal (a gravy-train on a gravy-train--the sauce must be getting pretty thin) watching an episode of Mom's show and making bitchy comments. Keep this in mind the next time you trash Spike for being inane.
28) "CSI" on Spike: Fact is, Spike IS inane, only now it has broadened its horizons and replaced some of its lowest-common-denominator guy-centric programming with lowest-work-needed programming: endless reruns of the "CSI" franchises. Look at Spike's schedule. It's getting to "Law and Order" on USA territory.
29) "Meeeehhhhhnnn:" Do we need to hear this every damn time there's a scene change in "Two and a Half Men"? The annoying refrain is the reason I don't watch the admittedly popular sitcom. Well, that and the fact that I don't like the rest of the show, either. But this part of it really gets me.
30) "Fox NFL Sunday" pregame show: At some point, it became the "in" thing to turn your football pregame program into a comedy program. Fox isn't the only one guilty of this, but it's the most egregious offender. It's no surprise, either: Fox doesn't have a great track record lately of producing non-animated comedies, and the guys in the NFL studio aren't cartoons--at least not literally.
22) BBC America: Thousands of hours of programming, past and present, to try to obtain, and this network settles for endless airings of "How Clean Is Your House?" The American Beeb doesn't show enough of what you want it to show, and when it does, it's hacked up for extra adverts.
23) On Demand...but On Their Terms: FIOS-TV's selection of NBC On Demand shows looks expansive, but there's a big problem: Fast forward and rewind are disabled on each episode! Imagine how aggravating this would be if NBC had anything worth demanding.
24) Infomercials: I miss the days when, at the end of a day of programming, you got a nice, solid test pattern. Of course, these days infomercials all over the place and all over the clock, but they never hawk anything cool--except those TimeLife CD sets. Those can stay.
25) Awards shows: The only time we care about what happens on one of these things is when someone acts like an a-hole. There are enough places to see a-holes on TV without manufacturing pseudo-events to give them more of a platform.
26) VH-1 reality shows: Hey, speaking of platforms for a-holes...Most all these kind of shows are terrible, but VH-1 somehow manages to create the most annoying (given a bigger budget, I'll bet Fox Reality could compete). Maybe it's because theirs breed murderers?
27) "Whatever, Martha": Fine Living Network airs a program that consists of Martha Stewart's daughter and some gravy-training pal (a gravy-train on a gravy-train--the sauce must be getting pretty thin) watching an episode of Mom's show and making bitchy comments. Keep this in mind the next time you trash Spike for being inane.
28) "CSI" on Spike: Fact is, Spike IS inane, only now it has broadened its horizons and replaced some of its lowest-common-denominator guy-centric programming with lowest-work-needed programming: endless reruns of the "CSI" franchises. Look at Spike's schedule. It's getting to "Law and Order" on USA territory.
29) "Meeeehhhhhnnn:" Do we need to hear this every damn time there's a scene change in "Two and a Half Men"? The annoying refrain is the reason I don't watch the admittedly popular sitcom. Well, that and the fact that I don't like the rest of the show, either. But this part of it really gets me.
30) "Fox NFL Sunday" pregame show: At some point, it became the "in" thing to turn your football pregame program into a comedy program. Fox isn't the only one guilty of this, but it's the most egregious offender. It's no surprise, either: Fox doesn't have a great track record lately of producing non-animated comedies, and the guys in the NFL studio aren't cartoons--at least not literally.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV Part 2 (11-20)
11) Larry King in high-def: Thanks for the warning, Mike. I don't even have high-def, but I shudder.
12) The I'm a PC/I'm a Mac commercials: Am I the only one that thinks the Mac guy is the smug and insufferable one and that the PC has become the appealing underdog?
13) "The Insider" without Pat O'Brien: How this show can continue without the ultimate insider is beyond me. I just don't feel...INSIDE anymore without the kind of access only he provided.
14) TV Guide Network barely showing TV listings: OK, perhaps on-screen listings are irrelevant in the age of DVRs and on-screen programming guides. But what's relevant about reruns of "Surreal Life" and "Punk'd"?
15) Sci-Fi changing its name to SyFy: Come on!
16) Elmo's World: Some of us remember 'Sesame Street" before the last third of every episode (not to mention numerous storylines in the rest of the show) was handed to this guy. Our own children will not be so lucky.
17) Home shopping channels: I really hoped this was gonna be a fad, but it's 2009 and there's still like 20 of them in my channel lineup.
18) Oprah's growling intros of her guests: We've all seen and made fun of it, so I won't go into detail, but I just saw a commercial the other day teasing her interview with "Whitney HOUUUUSTOOOOON!"
19) NFL Sunday Ticket: If you want to see something besides what your local network affiliates choose/are forced to give you, you have to have Direct TV. Oh, and you have to pay way, way too much money for it.
20) Saturday Night Live having Justin Timberlake on practically every other week: And the media making a big deal out of it.
12) The I'm a PC/I'm a Mac commercials: Am I the only one that thinks the Mac guy is the smug and insufferable one and that the PC has become the appealing underdog?
13) "The Insider" without Pat O'Brien: How this show can continue without the ultimate insider is beyond me. I just don't feel...INSIDE anymore without the kind of access only he provided.
14) TV Guide Network barely showing TV listings: OK, perhaps on-screen listings are irrelevant in the age of DVRs and on-screen programming guides. But what's relevant about reruns of "Surreal Life" and "Punk'd"?
15) Sci-Fi changing its name to SyFy: Come on!
16) Elmo's World: Some of us remember 'Sesame Street" before the last third of every episode (not to mention numerous storylines in the rest of the show) was handed to this guy. Our own children will not be so lucky.
17) Home shopping channels: I really hoped this was gonna be a fad, but it's 2009 and there's still like 20 of them in my channel lineup.
18) Oprah's growling intros of her guests: We've all seen and made fun of it, so I won't go into detail, but I just saw a commercial the other day teasing her interview with "Whitney HOUUUUSTOOOOON!"
19) NFL Sunday Ticket: If you want to see something besides what your local network affiliates choose/are forced to give you, you have to have Direct TV. Oh, and you have to pay way, way too much money for it.
20) Saturday Night Live having Justin Timberlake on practically every other week: And the media making a big deal out of it.
Monday, September 14, 2009
50 Reasons to Turn Off Your TV: Part 1
"Rolling Stone" devoted 3 paragraphs of its latest issue to reviewing the remastered CDs of the greatest pop music act of all time, and it spent 30 pages detailing "The Top 50 Reasons to Watch Tv." Not even just 50 reasons--the TOP 50, as if there are SO many more!
I think most of us know that while there is some quality programming out there, most of what's on the tube is garbage, so in that spirit, I present Cultureshark's official 2009 list of 50 reasons to turn off your TV. And just think, the new season hasn't even really started yet! Check back each day for a new set of 10 reasons.
1) ION Network: You have to hand it to this channel, though. When it was PAX, it showed infomercials and a bunch of crappy originals. Then it became ION and focused on infomercials and a bunch of crappy reruns. Now the network is poised to bring back crappy originals! Go, ION!
2) Kathie Lee Gifford: The woman has quietly become a fixture of morning television again, thereby making both television and mornings a little scarier.
3) "Melrose Place": Proof that we're out of ideas. If this does well, how long before the "revamped" version of "The Heights"? Not only is this just a bad idea in and of itself, it's a national platform for the "acting talents" of Ashlee Simpson.
4) Live-action shows on Cartoon Network: They're not just on Adult Swim anymore, they're all over the place. And they stink, too.
5) Giant network bugs plastered all over the screen: I'd almost respect this if it were a tactic to sell DVDs.
6) No "Odd Couple" on TV nationally: Sure, I can watch them all on DVD, and most networks would butcher the show, anyway, but we still need to ask ourselves: What's the point of having TV if it doesn't give you "The Odd Couple"?
7) Fox's coverage of Major League Baseball (especially in the playoffs): Extreme closeup of batter. Extreme closeup of pitcher. Closeup of shivering fan in the stands. Closeup of manager. Extreme closeup of concerned fan in the stands. Repeat cycle for the rest of the game.
8) Chick rock: Here I refer to the very strong odds that if you tune into any of dozens of television shows on at any given moment in prime time, you might suffer through the likes of K.T. Tunstall while a sassy female character "gets her groove on," "gets her life in order," or just plain "gets down and gets funky."
9) The staggering amount of time it takes theatrical movies to reach Showtime: No wonder they're pushing stuff like "Weeds" and "Nurse Jackie." If you're waiting for something to come on Showtime, you're waiting a long time--and if you're lucky, watching a lot of recent movies on HBO and Cinemax in the meantime.
10) PBS' never-ending pledge drive: This renders PBS unwatchable for about 80% of the year. It's not just the commercial breaks to beg for money, but it's also the appearance of "Dr. Wayne Dyer Saves Your Miserable Life" or "My Music: Novelty Songs of the Seventies Part 2" every weekend.
Be here tomorrow, same web time, same web channel, for 10 more!
Be here tomorrow, same web time, same web channel, for 10 more!
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