Fall TV Warning Part 6

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking at this rate, it will be SPRING before I finish my Fall TV Warning series. Well, I went ahead and WROTE it. So you might as well stop thinking it. Yes, the season is underway, but if just one person is waiting for my tale on "Back in the Game," this will all be worth it.

Back in the Game: Aw, jeez, I just put the pressure on myself. I don't have much to say about this ABC sitcom about a softball player who is trying to raise a family and put up with her dad. Jimmy Caan is Grandpa, and it's clear he's supposed to be providing the laughs in this by being outrageous, gruff but lovable, just plain old, etc. I'd rather see him going around breaking kneecaps. And, hey, I saw you in the preview, too, Ben Koldyke. Don't think I forgot that you were in "Work It." Folks, if you forgot, please don't look it up.

Sean Saves the World: Sean Hayes plays a divorcee trying to raise his daughter. Linda Lavin plays Jessica Walter. This series has a throwback feel reminiscent of the old Thursday night NBC lineup. Unfortunately, it's the lesser shows it feels like, stuff like Veronica's Closet and Suddenly Susan, subpar sitcoms built around personalities who couldn't really sustain an entire sitcom.

We Are Men: I swear every other year, there comes to network television a new series with the sole apparent purpose of giving Jerry O'Connell an excuse to wear a Speedo. He's in great shape now. We get it. Otherwise, little stands out in this comedy about a generic jilted guy who moves to a condo complex with a group of wacky swinging singles led by Tony Shalhoub. It looks like Shalhoub is having fun, but, yeah, I don't think so. And, hey, Kal Penn is here, too, helping the memory of his stint in the White House become ever dimmer.

Super Fun Night: The premise sounds OK--socially awkward friends decide to cut loose--but the preview was all about Rebel Wilson being humiliated and somehow managing to be stripped to her underwear. I'm sure her performance will be called "fearless," but who does she think she is, Jerry O'Connell?

Betrayal: Why did this preview annoy me so much? I don't know, it's supposed to be a twisty, sudsy (I guess) drama, but all I got out of it was that we were supposed to feel sorry for the two leads because, gosh darn it, why does it have to be so HARD to commit adultery? I got a kick out of seeing James Cromwell being all crotchety, though.

The Crazy Ones: Robin Williams, "I'm back!" at the beginning of the trailer, with that trademark impishness, says it all. I was surprised, though, that in the sneak peek, it was more about Sarah Michelle Gellar, who plays the daughter and colleague of Robin's ad man, making an ass of HERself. David E. Kelley is somehow involved, for better or worse, though it seemed like CBS wasn't going out of its way to promote that. Really, shouldn't this be a bigger deal? Robin Williams coming back to TV is news, or at least I thought it was, but this didn't seem to get a lot of hype.

Fall TV Warning Part 5

I could run 4 links in a row, but do you really need me to tell you where parts 1 through 4 are at this point?

Ironside: I saw star Blair Underwood say that while his character is in a wheelchair, in no way, shape, or form does that define him. Uh, I understand what he's getting at here, but isn't the whole POINT of "Ironside" that he's in a wheelchair? This isn't "Delvecchio," for crying out loud.

Almost Human: Man teams with robot to stop crime, from what I gather. Two things prevent me from making fun of this: 1) It stars Karl ("Dredd," "Star Trek") Urban, whose work I quite enjoy; and 2) it doesn't actually premiere until November, so we'll have plenty of time to make fun of it later.

Trophy Wife: Well, I guess Malin Ackerman has gone from ingenue to "other woman" in romantic comedies to...this. Good for Bradley Whitford's character for nabbing her, I guess, but the show looks to be about Ackerman finding herself in awkward situations and looking like an ass. Maybe it'll be funny--though the preview doesn't give me confidence--but I just kind of feel bad for her.

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland: Spinoff of "Once Upon a Time," only this time featuring Alice in Wonderland. Considering I don't watch the original show and considering I feel asleep 5 different times watching the Tim Burton/Johnny Depp "Alice," this one isn't high on my list.

Marvel's Agents of SHIELD: I guess I need to finally see "Avengers," huh? I hope this is good, but I kind of worry that the characters are more types than anything--the stock wise-ass already annoys me. Still, I'll give this a chance. I like how it's called "Marvel's Agents of SHIELD," by the way, so we don't confuse it with Archie Comic's The Shield.

Fall TV Warning Part 4

Parts 1, 2, and 3 are--well, they're right underneath this post!

Hostages: Your tolerance for this may depend on how ready you are to embrace a show in which Dylan McDermott is a hotshot super-cool guy with all the answers. He is an FBI agent who holds a surgeon's (Toni Colette) family hostage and tries to force her to botch an operation on the POTUS (that's the Prez, for all you non-insider types). This looks like a movie premise, not a series premise, and here I must confess that while back in Part 1 I said I was forming these opinions based on the previews alone, without any outside influence, I DID learn this week that "Hostages" is designed as a 15-episode event (though of course they have plans to continue it if it does well." So I'm no longer thinking, "How are they gonna stretch this for a whole season?" No, now I'm thinking, "How are they gonna stretch this for 15 episodes?"

The Blacklist: Another show with a slick Uberdude with all the answers. In this case, though, the role is made for someone with charisma, and James Spader looks to be having a great time in this Usual Suspects meets Silence of the Lambs deal. He's a villain who turns himself in and offers to help catch the most sought-after criminals in the world...but he will only deal with a particular fresh-outta-the-academy-type female agent.

This could be an entertaining program, but unfortunately, after watching a good deal of the 49ers/Seahawks on "Sunday Night Football" on NBC, I'm already sick of it. Maybe on Netflix next year?

Tomorrow People: I hate to be so dismissive of the CW, but I lost interest halfway through the 6-minute trailer, and I really only remember half of what it was about. I don't see much point in refreshing my memory. This is evidence of the show's blandness, my prejudice...or both.

Welcome to the Family: Carlos from Desperate Housewives (OK, he has a name, and it's Ricardo Chivera) and Mike O'Malley meet not-so-cute, then discover they're gonna be in-laws. This generic-looking comedy might give me some more of those patented Carlos "incredulous" takes , but I think I'd enjoy them a lot more if they were reacting to Eva Longoria in a nightie than to Mike O'Malley in...anything.

Fall TV Warning Part 3

Part 1 is here and Part 2 is here. Or you could just scroll down a bit.

Lucky 7: This look at the trials and tribulations of a group of co-workers who win the lottery is adapted from a British series. I don't know about you, but whenever I see "adapted from a British series," I really just want   to see the British series.

Reign: I give full credit to the CW for making a show that's about, like, old history and stuff (Mary, Queen of Scots), though judging from the preview, it's not exactly a bunch of classically trained middle-aged thespians speaking iambic pentameter. Something else weird about this--well, it's really me: These days it really doesn't seem like a period costume drama without gratuitous nudity and shocking violence.

The Originals: Spinoff of "Vampire Diaries." Either you're in or you're out, right?

The Michael J. Fox Show: This new NBC sitcom is pretty aggressive about poking fun at Fox's Parkinson's disease, and it sure looks like a brave effort from the veteran comic actor. I have mixed feelings about the preview in general and mixed feelings about that aggression in particular. I will still probably give this a shot, though, because after all it does feature one of America's most beloved performers:

Wendell Pierce, AKA The Bunk from "The Wire."

Fall TV Warning Part 2

Part 1 appeared yesterday. Today I may be a little grumpier because I am going to mention a really horrible-looking new series.

But first, since it debuts tonight, let's consider Brooklyn Nine-Nine, FOX's new cop comedy starring Andy Samberg and Andre Braugher. I think the world is ready for--nay, the world needs--a good cop comedy. Samberg is a total wise-ass detective who butts heads with Braugher's no-nonsense chief. I like that Terry Crews (the breakout star of the Netflix version of Arrested Development, if you ask me) is in this, and I want this to be good.  But a little of Samberg goes a long way, and a little of Braugher is never enough, and the preview indicates Samberg's character goes a little too far into annoying territory to carry this each week.

The Millers: Where to begin discussing how bad this CBS "comedy" looks? First, why does Will Arnett keep getting lead TV roles? He seems like a decent guy, and I felt bad when his relationship with Amy Poehler deteriorated, but his persona just doesn't lend itself to more than an effective supporting presence. Even the episodes in "Arrested Development" that centered on him disappointed.

Arnett is toning down the smarm this time, from the looks of it, and I guess I can't say his talent is being "wasted." But his parents are played by Beau Bridges and Margo Martindale, and as far as their talents...well, I hope they are being paid well. When Arnett's character announces his divorce, Beau says, "Hey, I can do that, too," and bolts, leading Margo to move in with sonny boy. This creates a warm, delightful family comedy about the foibles of intergenerational conflicts and the bonds that ultimately unite us.

Oops, no, wait. It actually just creates a bunch of fart jokes. A LOT of 'em. And the fact that most of them come from Martindale should settle that issue of wasted talents.

I'm watching the trailer again right now to make sure I am not overexaggerating. This show is not funny at all. It's offensive right from the get-go, with a weak joke about a little kid cussing out Arnett's TV reporter character. It goes on for about 6 minutes, progressing from bland attempts at humor to old-people-talking-about-sex humor to those fart jokes. I am open to the concept of fart jokes, but I want them to make me laugh, not cringe.

"Hey, Mom, did you fart?"
[after pause and a take] "Yes!"

Then it has the nerve to try to go for "heart" at the end with Arnett and Martindale dancing together. Even with J.B. Smoove yelling, "Creepy!" to undercut it, there's no mistaking that the producers think this is going to make us like the characters. Yet they still interrupt the routine for this exchange between son and mother:

"Did you fart?"
"Probably."

Under normal circumstances, I would demand that you all sit through the preview yourself to see why I am calling this series "Fall TV Warning." Since this is National Preparedness Month, though, consider this a warning to avoid "The Millers." I'm so drained from getting the word out, I think I need to come back later this week and resume in Part 3. Is this how Paul Revere felt when he warned that Benny Hill was coming and bringing a ton of fart jokes?

Fall TV Warning: Part 1

That's right, I said "warning," not preview. I am not going to give you a comprehensive report on the new fall network TV shows. My goal is to warn you, because from the sneak peeks and trailers I've been watching, this looks like an atrocious lineup of new shows. September IS National Preparedness Month, so I think you need to be prepared.

I offer the disclaimer that I have read very little if anything about these shows, and I am basing my opinions on the clips I've seen via my cable provider's On Demand offerings. I won't go in any particular order, but I'll mention all that I see.

One general comment I will make is that, man, everybody on TV looks older this season. I don't want to be mean-spirited, so I will try not to make this observation about specific performers, but there are a lot of people on new series who pop out to me as looking flat-out older than I remember. I mean like to the point I'm surprised that the purportedly age-obsessed networks are building shows around them.

DADS: OK, I will make an age-related comment here, and it isn't about Howard Hesseman and Peter Riegert, who play the Dads. My observation is that seeing Seth Green and Giovanni Ribisi (the sons) in this makes ME feel old. They don't look bad for their age or anything, but they just remind me of how long ago it was they were up-and-comers.

Fortunately I won't need to endure that nagging feeling of mortality anymore because the sitcom "from the mind of Seth MacFarlane" looks too awful to watch more than once. Two things about the preview clip tell me it isn't likely to surpass my expectations. It's the kind of show in which Ribisi quotes "The Untouchables" and then he and Green immediately have to cite the source of the quote, which ruins it. It's also the kind of show in which an attractive woman is asked to dress up as an Asian schoolgirl (fortunately, she IS Asian), and when she does so, we are treated to a jacked-up round of hooting and hollering from the audience. Yeah, I'll pass on this one.

DRACULA: I know Jonathan Rhys-Meyers is supposed to be all dark and Eurosexy, but I'm a dude, and I'm not interested, and the preview did nothing to interest me in the show itself. Besides, I'm still a Bela Lugosi guy.

SLEEPY HOLLOW: I have to admit the premise of this series amuses me, and the previews don't look terrible. Hey, look, I'm closing Part 1 on an up note!

There's a lot going on here. Ichabod Crane--who, this being modern network TV, isn't a gangly, awkward-looking gent--is a spy for the Colonial Army who finds himself in the present, where he joins forces with a  cop to combat the Headless Horsemen, who ALSO is in the present. There's apparently stuff about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and--uh-oh--an ongoing "mythology" that will either tantalize viewers as the season goes on or will be quickly explained in an episode or two if the ratings tank.

Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci, the guys who wrote the Star Trek reboot and at least one or two of the Transformers movies (how many of those are now?) may have something here, and I am oddly intrigued by the presence of a sence of a somber Orlando Jones. But the real reason I want to give this is a shot is the Headless Horseman. When he showed up in the preview, I laughed in a good way, a, "Hey, this is kind of cool" way.

So, yeah, "Hollow" may be half-decent. Come back tomorrow for more of the truly awful-looking new shows.