Lost Treasures of Yore #2: The lost art of an announcer reading the credits

What I'd really like to see is something that used to occur over the end credits of many programs. I know, I know, we hardly SEE end credits anymore, so this is a long shot, but the thing of which I think is so quaint, it would never be implemented today, anyway, so why let anything stop me?

I love watching an old TV show's credits roll when all of a sudden an announcer tells you, "So and so was played by so and so," and then rattles off a few more names. It cracks me up because for one, would it have killed them to put an extra card or two on screen with those names? Also, it just sounds totally old-fashioned for some reason, especially when the verbiage is like that on "Sgt. Bilko": "The part of the doctor was played by so and so, and the part of the general was played by so and so." (Incidentally, we could also use a good character actor like so and so these days).

It conjures up an image of a middle-aged couple sitting in front of the Philco watching their stories, and Mother looks up from her knitting at the end of the show and asks, "I wonder who played the part of the doctor?" And Pa says, "Shh, mother! Maybe he'll tell us in a minute if you can shut your goldurned trap!"

On "Burns and Allen," they do this with simpler language: "Appearing on tonight's show were so and so as so and so..." It sounds less archaic than inserting the phrase "the part," but it still sounds old-school, and old-school in an especially pleasing manner.

Maybe they didn't have the money to spring for the extra credits in those days, or maybe they did everything so quickly and cast things at the last minute so often that they didn't have time. Whatever the reason, I think the announcer reading off the guest stars at the end of the program is a cool relic of old television and one that I'd like to hear again.

In fact, I'd like to hear it in real life. For instance, it would be useful if, when you exited a party at the end of an evening, an unseen announcer declared, "The man with the contacts in marketing was Mitchell Davis. The woman in the green dress was Monica Edleman."

Lost Treasures of Yore: "Thanks! I needed that!"

Welcome to a new feature, Lost Treasures of Yore, in which we celebrate those great standbys so common in pop culture back in the day, but now sadly M.I.A.

Today I want to call for the return of this classic comedy convention: Someone is in "hysterics." In the immediate vicinity, another person takes the initiative and smacks him or her in the face. Usually the hysterical person is calmed after a second or two of displaying a dopey stare, and he acknowledges this by saying...

"Thanks! I needed that!"

My personal favorite version is when someone slaps TWO people at the same time, and then they get the dopey look, maybe rub their cheeks, and look at each other before turning back to the slapper and saying in unison...

"Thanks! We needed that!"
Why does this not happen so much anymore? Is it because we're less hysterical? Are we less tolerant of slapping each other around for comic effect? Has the slap to reality been discredited as a legitimate cure for temporary hysterics, even in a comedy setting?

My personal opinion is that we can blame Cher. I trace the decline of this lost treasure back to "Moonstruck" and her famous "Snap out of it!" broadside across the face of Nicolas Cage. Granted, I am biased because unlike much of America, I don't like the film. But while I don't think this scene is funny, I can't deny its impact.

I think Cher's comic whap of Cage subtly killed off the "Thanks, I needed that," reaction, undercutting it before it can even occur with her bellowing, "Snap out of it!" and doing so not just in one particular part of "Moonstruck," but in films and TV for years to come. Oh, I'm sure it's happened since then, though I can't think of examples offhand, but I'll bet it's ironic and done to poke fun at the lost treasure of yore.

Because people don't realize how lame "Moonstruck" is, they are blind to this unintended side effect. Now, though, years later, perhaps we can take back the slap. I challenge the filmmakers out there to include a "Thanks! I needed that!" (I'm not even asking for the more complicated double; one person getting slapped and responding thus will do) in a movie--and not in a way that deliberately mocks itself, but in a way that is supposed to be a legit punchline in its own right.

I'll settle for a TV show, though. The sitcom may be a dying breed, but this might be one modest step toward bringing it back.