WHY? (Special all-TV edition)

It's Friday, and I got a whole bunch of gripes--gripes that raise questions. So let me just get them off my chest and wonder...WHY?

*The previously pretty-darn-good "Modern Family" featured a terrible storyline this week that doubled as a big advertisement for Costco.
WHY?

*People eat Chipotle despite getting blood-stained underwear.
WHY?
(note: this item is in tribute to "South Park," which offered a much, much better example of "product placement" this week than did "Modern Family.")

*Comedy Central is promoting a new Nick Swardson comedy special titled..."Seriously, Who Farted?"
WHY?

*In a promo for last night's Jay Leno Show," NBC acted like it was a real "How cool is this?" moment when Jack Black and Ben Harper jammed together.
WHY?

*The organizers of the new United Football League (airing on Versus and HDNet) decided it would be a good idea to run games in the fall...at the same time as the NFL.
WHY?

*NBC renewed "Southland" almost immediately last season, then canceled it this week before its second season even aired.
WHY?

*'Playboy" to put Marge Simpson on its cover next month to appeal to younger readers.
WHY?
(didn't they ever consider, I don't know, getting a really hot celebrity younger readers want to see naked to pose for them?)

*There is a new reality show about the family of Lorenzo Lamas.
WHY?

*The owners of Fine Living Network are going to shut it down and relaunch it as Cooking Channel...even though they already own Food Network.
WHY?

*NBC decided to launch promising new sitcom "Community" by running it for a few weeks at 9:30, then suddenly moving it to 8:00.
WHY?

WHY?

Time again for a visit to the land of WHY? Standard disclaimer applies: I may know an answer to some of these questions, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be asking, anyway.

ITEM: Marilyn Manson titled a song on his new album "Pretty as a Swastika."
WHY?

ITEM: Chris Elliott's classic nineties sitcom "Get a Life" was reportedly prepped for a DVD release with extras several years ago, but it remains on the shelf--er, a virtual shelf, not a retail one.
WHY?

ITEM: The new Transformers movie runs 2 1/2 hours, the upcoming Adam Sandler movie "Funny People" is 136 minutes, and the new Harry Potter movie will of course be over 2 1/2 hours.
WHY?

ITEM: There is a remake in the works of "Red Dawn," a flick many consider a quintessential 1980s movie.
WHY?

ITEM: Despite the modern classic status of the film adaptation, Cameron Crowe's book "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" has been out of print for years and is impossible to find.
WHY? (Seriously, I don't think I ever saw a straight answer for this. Legal issues?)

ITEM: Brett Ratner is going to direct "Beverly Hills Cop IV."
WHY? (Well, I see why he's doing it, but why do it at all?)

ITEM: The local True Oldies affiliate, 105.9, is forced by its corporate overlords to carry the low-rated Imus show in the critical morning drive period.
WHY?

ITEM: Speaking of radio, if I'm not listening to a CD on the way into work, I generally flip between several radio stations--most often an oldies station, two classic rocks, and a JACK format (hits from all over the place). On any given day, I'm almost certain to hear a song by ELO on at least one of those outlets.
WHY?

ITEM: Enough people have bought Lauren Conrad's novel to place it on the "New York Times" bestseller list.
WHY?

ITEM: They're making a movie--an actual movie, in theaters and everything--based on the "Saturday Night Live" Magruber sketches.
WHY?

WHY?

Welcome to a new feature we here like to call "Why?" You'll get the idea pretty quickly.

ITEM: ABC expresses interest in bringing back "Scrubs" for a ninth season.
WHY?

ITEM: Mutual of Omaha threatens legal action against Oprah Winfrey over her use of the phrase "aha moment."
WHY?

ITEM: Oprah calls ownership of the phrase "aha moment."
WHY?

ITEM: The band Creed is getting back together.
WHY?

ITEM: They made a sequel to "A Night at the Museum."
WHY?

ITEM: TV Land seems to show a dating reality show called "The Cougar" about 40 times a week.
WHY?

ITEM: According to "Entertainment Weekly," Michael Douglas is signed and on board, and Oliver Stone is ready to do a sequel to "Wall Street."
WHY?

Yeah, I realize the answer to most if not all of these is $$$ but can you blame a guy for asking?