Cut that cord! Cut that cord!

I am still crunching the numbers, working my sources, and scouring the underground as I prepare this week's video column, so in the meantime let me present another installment of Cut the Cord Theatre. I could go off on a rant and gripe about this item, but sometimes no additional commentary need be made.  So, courtesy of Deadline, I present this tidbit, which in this form alone is enough to indicate that this particular cable channel need not be anywhere on my lineup:

Oxygen Media unveiled seven new original series for its 2014 slate today under new president Francis Berwick and said it is planning a rebrand for later this year “targeting modern, young women.” Docu-series on the roster range in subjects from finding the next female hip-hop star (executive produced by rapper T.I.) to comediennes, and competition series involving street artists and nail designers.

Who was Oxygen targeting before? Old-fashioned young women?

Also, while roaming the dial the other night, I discovered that Bravo is actually airing a half-hour program that shows people watching TV. I wish I were kidding. We can do better, America! Well, maybe Bravo can't, but the rest of us can!

Oxygen’s new shows include “Fix My Choir” and “Street Art Throwdown”
Oxygen is also adding “Sisterhood of Hip Hop” and “Nail’d It” to its lineup.
Read more at http://www.hitfix.com/tv-tattle/2#0ftPWEFV0Cd1Jw1W.99

Oxygen’s new shows include “Fix My Choir” and “Street Art Throwdown”
Oxygen is also adding “Sisterhood of Hip Hop” and “Nail’d It” to its lineup.
Read more at http://www.hitfix.com/tv-tattle/2#9GFpd5A79bRARkBu.99

Oxygen’s new shows include “Fix My Choir” and “Street Art Throwdown”
Oxygen is also adding “Sisterhood of Hip Hop” and “Nail’d It” to its lineup.
Read more at http://www.hitfix.com/tv-tattle/2#9GFpd5A79bRARkBu.99

Oxygen’s new shows include “Fix My Choir” and “Street Art Throwdown”
Oxygen is also adding “Sisterhood of Hip Hop” and “Nail’d It” to its lineup.
Read more at http://www.hitfix.com/tv-tattle/2#9GFpd5A79bRARkBu.99

Oxygen’s new shows include “Fix My Choir” and “Street Art Throwdown”
Oxygen is also adding “Sisterhood of Hip Hop” and “Nail’d It” to its lineup.
Read more at http://www.hitfix.com/tv-tattle/2#9GFpd5A79bRARkBu.99

Cut that Cord! Cut that Cord!

Remember Biography Channel? It was a spinoff of A&E, a channel that used to have a distinctive identity and a reason for being. When A&E dumped it's "Biography" franchise to its B-channel, well, that apparently wasn't enough to carry even a seldom-watched outfit like Bio, so it started to fill the schedule with drama reruns and ghost stories and...eh, other stuff, I suppose.

I don't really know what Bio was doing lately. I haven't watched it much since...ever. I did check out some of the specials it aired about old sitcoms. Most of America felt comfortable ignoring Bio, too, but instead of doing the honorable thing and turning it into something not like half the other useless channels on the dial, its owners have decided to make it a dreaded "lifestyle channel" called "FYI."

It promise programming focused on "fashion, food, style, and design." Announced already are a makeover show and two home renovation shows. Because nobody knows where to find those kinds of shows today.

We don't need another lifestyle channel. "Lifestyle" is a code word for cheap. At least Bio ran cool specials about old sitcoms every now and then. This looks like another skippable non-entity wasting channel capacity. Maybe this could have been something a little more highbrow, or at least higher-aspiring, with programming devoted to culture and the arts--something like the old A&E. Would it make money? No, but neither will this. If they aren't even gonna try to do something worthwhile, they could at least do a public service and show things nobody else is showing.

Meanwhile, Hallmark Movie Channel, another unwanted, unloved spinoff channel, is rebranding itself as Hallmark Movies and Mysteries. This sounds ridiculous, too, but at least this channel announced it is launching a movie wheel franchise of 3 ongoing mystery series, presumably efforts that will require a little bit of spending. Granted, there are dozens of other places on the cable lineup to get mystery movies, but at least they are doing something here.

Cut the Cord...redux

I hereby declare that the official theme song for "Cut the Cord," at least when it is said on this blog, will be sung to the tune of  "Cut the Cake" by Average White Band. I don't have any words other than "Cut the Cord," but then, how many words does "Cut the Cake" have?

Today's dispatch from the front lines of cable TV absurdity should be taken with a grain of salt because the CONcast on-screen programming guide manages to be both sparse and unreliable. But while I can't verify that the phenomenon I am about to describe did happen, I do vow to you that I saw that it was going to happen when I was scanning the guide.

Apparently, for at least one hour today, "The Brady Bunch" aired on two different channels. Now, that in itself isn't a huge deal, and if you're looking for me to hate on the Bradys, well, you've come to the wrong blog (I am available for bitter rants about Tom Brady and the Patriots). The beef I have here is not that it aired on Inspiration and TV Land (two channels that have aired the sitcom recently) at the same time. No, the problem here is that the two channels were in fact...

Hallmark and Hallmark Movie Channel.

Yes, Hallmark and Hallmark Movie Channel. I'm pretty sure those are sister networks. Know what my biggest clue is? The fact that they both have "Hallmark in their names.

It's not even a situation of channels like AMC and IFC each showing the same program. Hallmark Movie Channel is still a niche channel. Heck, HALLMARK itself is probably a niche channel by many metrics. Therefore I would submit to you that the vast majority of people who have Hallmark Movies also have Hallmark proper, meaning it's useless to put the same thing on each.

I kind of wished I had tuned in today to see if they cross-promoted. "Don't like this episode of The Brady Bunch? We've got another one over here on our other network. Don't worry, it's edited and stuffed with commercials, too!"

Cut that Cord! Cut that Cord! Cut that Cord...

It's been a while since I ranted about the uselessness of the majority of cable TV networks. While on vacation, I noticed "Law and Order" on WE-TV. OK, that's not a huge deal in and of itself. That network isn't on anyone's radar, anyway, so it's easy enough to ignore. Besides, I figured, maybe TNT was finally retiring its old workhorse.

Well, no. TNT is still showing "Law and Order." Plus WGN America picked up "Law and Order" and will air it in monolithic mini-marathon blocks...just like everyone else. So WE-TV adding the show is really a useless move that adds no utility to the channel.

That's not even the worst of it, though. While looking this up, I learned that yet another cable net is proud to add "L&O" as the new year arrives. That channel is...Sundance Channel! Yes, that's right, Sundance is going to show played-out TV reruns that are abundant elsewhere. I believe it is still a sister network of WE, so maybe this move makes sense for the parent company as a way to spread out the acquisition cost. But if you're a viewer, so what?

To me this is yet another sign that we have way too many cable TV channels, we are paying way too much for them, and the situation is not likely to change anytime soon. Unless someone starts trying new and creative ways to use the cable real estate, we might as well get some more consolidation. Or a la carte plans. (HA!)