End of the Crummy Movie Cavalcade

Summer is gone, and it's time to say good-bye to the Crummy Movie Cavalcade. I had a good time ripping on some of the worst movies of the year, but an often-hectic real life got the better of me, and I didn't keep up with it like I anticipated. So many "deserving" movies missed their spotlight, and for that I apologize.

If you'll indulge me, then, I'll just make brief mention of some of the crummy movies I didn't salute this summer:

Mamma Mia!: BROSNAN SINGS! Cultureshark shudders.

Space Chimps: You know, in some studio circles, I firmly believe that there's an attitude somewhat akin to, "Ah, yeah, it stinks, but it's animated, so we'll get some bucks out of it."

The X-Files: I Want to Believe: Apologies to my dad and sisters, who used to watch this show back in the day. But it's 2008, and I don't even know if my dad and sisters knew this movie even came out. I don't think they missed much.

Swing Vote: Got to give Kevin Costner credit for continuing to make movies that strive for to inspire with a strong sense of Americana and decency. The effort would probably have more impact if America still liked him.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: 3 things I never thought I'd see in my lifetime: 1) A "Star Wars" movie in theaters without anyone caring, 2) Shannen Doherty co-starring with Jennie Garth again, 3) The Cubs winning the World Series. Now, in the span of mere months--well, OK, that third one is still out there.

The Longshots: I don't care how good this movie might be, I can't get past these 4 words: "Directed by Fred Durst." You know, even if I could get past them, I wouldn't.

The Rocker: R.I.P., Rainn Wilson, Leading Man. 2008-2008.

Babylon A.D. I'd rather see "The Pacifier II.*"

Disaster Movie: More evidence that God either doesn't exist or is cruel: We have to wait years between seasons of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," yet one of these "___ Movie" parodies comes out every few months.

*This wise-ass comment is meant to express snide disdain for Vin Diesel and should not be misconstrued as an actual endorsement for the production of a sequel to "The Pacifier."

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: Brendan Fraser Double Feature

Look, I always kind of liked Brendan Fraser, even if I never took him seriously as a movie star, and I even felt sorry for him a few years back when a tabloid printed a picture that appeared to reveal the dude was seriously thinning up on top of the ol' scalp. I don't know why, but I worried about his viability as an action hero when I saw that.

I suppose I would have been more worried had I actually seen his two big summer movies: "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and "The Mummy: We're Back Yet Again." In fact, had I actually seen "Journey," (the movie, not the band), I might have spared it a spot in the Crummy Movie Cavalcade. After all, it was shown in 3-D, and really, if the 3-D is halfway decent in a film, I'm getting at least some kind of entertainment value out of it.

But I avoided it because the more I learned and saw of "Journey," the more I feared the 3 D's stood for "Dumb," "Dull," and "Desultory." Like how I came up with that third one?

Actually, seeing the band Journey in 3-D would likely be more entertaining than yet another take on the evergreen Jules Verne story--but only if it Steve Perry is at the helm, natch. I'd love to see Perry wailing, "ooh, he's touching anotherrrrrrr," in an attempt to sonically bore a passageway to the center of the earth. "Journey to the Center of Earth," however, is likely to simply bore US (Saw that one coming, didn't you? It was nowhere near as clever as "desultory," I'll grant you).

The makers of the flick tried to fool moviegoers by offering the 3-D gimmick and by hoping dedicated "Mummy" fans would get confused and think the third installment in that franchise was hitting theaters early. But what of that "Mummy" sequel? Hasn't the caravan trotted off on that one by now?

I knew this series was sunk as soon as I read that Rachel Weisz was out and a teen sidekick was in. Again, I feel for poor Brendon Fraser. This is not a geriatric Harrison Ford needing a credible young'un on screen to share the stunts. This is a guy not yet out of his 30s (OK, it's close), and the implication that the movie needs some Rick Jones wannabe to suck up to the CW set is offensive enough to keep me far away from this movie. The fact that he's playing Fraser's son doesn't help.

Well, that and the fact that the second movie stunk and I don't have a desire to see another one.

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: Meet Dave

You have to give Eddie Murphy credit. Here's a superstar who never does publicity for his movies, delivers a big neutron bomb into theaters every so often, and yet can still draw money and acclaim in the right situation. I think his avoidance of the gruntwork of promoting a film really helped him in the case of "Meet Dave." Honestly, now, do you even remember that "Meet Dave" was an actual film that was released this summer?

Odds are you don't. Fox, seemingly aware of what it had it on its hands, barely put any effort into this one, perhaps trying to pretend it didn't exist. I know my experience went something like this: Forgot Eddie Murphy had a summer movie, saw terrible reviews and pitiful box office performance the weekend it appeared, promptly forgot Eddie Murphy had a summer movie. I had to do about 10 minutes of research just to convince myself "Meet Dave" really happened.

Thank goodness the Summer Movie Cavalcade is around to remind us. You may not see Mr. Murphy himself waving to the crowds as the "Meet Dave" float goes by, but how about Brian Robbins, the film's director? Say hi to the man who has done so much for contemporary cinema since his days on "Head of the Class." As a producer and director, Robbins has given us gems like "Ready to Rumble," "Hardball," and "Norbit."

Hey, who do you think starred in "Norbit"? Yep, Eddie Murphy. Murphy can make money in terrible movies like that one. He can earn award nominations in things like "Dreamgirls." But most importantly, Teflon Eddie can star in stuff like "Pluto Nash," "Holy Man," and, yes, "Meet Dave," and seemingly take little permanent damage.

Notice I'm not really talking about "Meet Dave" itself. Can you blame me for forgetting?

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: Wanted

I did not see the film in question, but this is what I imagine "Wanted" was like:

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Aye, I'm in a wee bit of trouble, am I?

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Come with me. I'm sexy.

BOOM! BLAM! KAPOW!

I'm Morgan Freeman, and I'm here to add some class to this whole thing.

KABOOM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BOOM!

Aye, this ought to make me tops with the ladies, eh?

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: The Love Guru

I almost refrained from adding this one to the Cavalcade. After all, Myers supposedly drew inspiration for this comedy with spiritual overtones from the death of his beloved father. I read this in a magazine article which expended a lot of ink telling us what a jerk Myers was--yet somehow made me feel kind of sorry for the guy.

Plus I didn't even see the movie, and anyway, it came and went and tanked with little fuss. Sure, Myers' "in-character" promotion of his flick was a bit obnoxious, what with the appearances on "American Idol," the Teen Choice Awards, and MTV Movie Awards, and. I would have been appalled, I'm sure, had I actually watched any of those things.

So am I just wasting our time by ripping on this soon-to-be-forgotten (everyone involved hopes) bomb? No. I can't give Myers a pass on this one for two reasons: 1) It features Justin Timberlake, again playing "grownup movie star" to the irritation of legitimate moviegoing grownups, and 2) More importantly, it's a hype vehicle for the NHL.

Myers has long pushed his pro-hockey agenda, and though he can hardly be blamed for liking the sport--he is Canadian, of course--he doesn't have to try to convince the rest of us that it's relevant. It's bad enough he slips things like hockey jerseys and street hockey games into his seemingly innocuous romps, but this time I think he went too far.

The premise of the movie is stupid enough, especially if you're in that group of people who find his titular character, Guru Pitka, annoying. That group has a name, too; it's called "everybody." But even more offensive than the Hindu-mocking persona Myers takes on is the character's goal: To salvage the career of a Toronto Maple Leafs player.

Clearly it's an attempt to foist a cult sport on mainstream America. Because no major network carries the pro game anymore (NBC doesn't count while it's not showing the Olympics), Big Hockey is trying to infiltrate other media. First, it was YouTube. Then it was the multiplex. Heavens to Murgatroyd, can skywriting be next?

Mike Myers may be fiercely protective of his comic creations, and that shows a certain artistic integrity. However, his willingness to cash in with marketing tie-ins and inferior sequels has proven his true motives. Getting into bed with the NHL, even if sincere, is his worst product placement of all, and it's enough to earn "The Love Guru" a prominent spot in the Crummy Movie Cavalcade.

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: The Happening

Perhaps it's not always fair to judge a movie by its marketing, but it took about 5 seconds of the first trailer I saw to convince me that "The Happening" was a crummy movie. Oh, sure, anyone who saw M. Night Shyamalan's previous efforts, "The Village" and "Lady in the Water," would have a pretty good idea the next one would reek, but that's not the logic I'm talking about.

What cinched it for me was the first momentous announcement by the important-sounding narrator. I realize I just described every single movie trailer ever, but hold on. The message this film led with, the vital info we had to have, the attention-grabber sure to make us run salivating to the nearest multiplex and ask--no, demand--for a ticket TO "THE HAPPENING" RIGHT NOW was...

"The first R-rated feature from M. Night Shyamalan."

After I heard that, I came up with a witty remark so clever and incisive that I nearly wept at the lack of a witness to testify to my brilliance: "SO?"

I mean, really, who cares? Is the typical Shyamalan fan sitting at home thinking, "Boy, I love that guy's twist endings, but his movies never have any boobies, man. I'm sitting this next one out." So of course, FOX's strategy would be to lead with that R rating, so Joe SixthSensePack can get excited: "All right! Dude's finally made an R!"

I realize the real idea is that the director could unleash a little more gore and violence this time, and in theory make a more intense thriller, but again, I say, so? (I really think I'm on to something with that new catchphrase. It's even better when you hear me deliver it) Shyamalan in particular is a director who relies on implied menace and not in-your-face shock. What, are we supposed to be eager for a 5-minute-long medium-shot take of a guy with an ax wound bleeding from his skull?

Hearing this bit of pointless puffery was all I needed to take a pass on this one. Forget Shyamalan's increasingly spotty track record, forget the questionable decision by yet another filmmaker to push his luck and ask Wahlberg to carry a movie, forget twist ending fatigue. I couldn't get past the boast that this time, it was an R-rated flick.

If you agree with me and think "The Happening" deserves a prime spot in the Summer Crummy Movie Cavalcade...GUESS WHAT? This whole post was actually about "Speed Racer!" How's that for a twist ending? Totally had you!

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: You Don't Mess with the Zohan

If you're like me, when you first saw the title of Adam Sandler's latest opus, you had the obvious assumption: It's clearly about Sandler gaining super powers to battle a demented (well, even more so) version of Linday Lohan from an alternate universe where she is known as Zohan. Right?

No, wrong. Evidently Sandler is an elite Israeli commando or something who yearns to be a hairdresser.

Hmm, which version is more ludicrous?

What makes this surely such a crummy movie? I could give the usual litany of Sandler-related gripes. I mean, we all dread certain things when faced with one of his efforts (I mean his "standard" flicks, not the "vying for cred" works like "Punch-Drunk Love" and "Spanglish"): You know, those things guaranteed to make us cringe, such as the stale 70s tune on the soundtrack, the scrunching up the face and SHOUTING FOR NO GOOD REASON bit, the dreaded Rob Schneider appearance...

In this case, I don't fear any of those. I've come to expect them and look out for them accordingly. This time, I'm rattled by the sight of a bulked-up Sandler. In his Method attempt to inhabit the role of Israeli commando, Sandler put on a little muscle, and while he's not exactly The Rock (but then, The Rock isn't really The Rock anymore), he's kind of...buff?

Maybe the comic is a gym rat who enjoys exercising his guns by doing more than just strumming an acoustic guitar while making up silly tunes. But I can't help but consider a more sinister possibility.

Is Adam Sandler on the juice?

I expect steroids in athletes. I expect them in entertainment. I expect them in Carrot Top. But this is too far for me. I can't tolerate this. The notion of Billy Madison using chemical means to sculpt his body, even though I have no proof that he did, instantly shatters any possible desire I'd have to watch this movie. Can you imagine one of Sandler's manchild temper tantrums being enhanced by roid rage? I CAN. It's enough to make me steer wayyyy clear.

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: Sex and the City

I can still remember the first thought I had when I saw those early leaked pictures from this movie's New York shoots: "Hey, they're doing a Golden Girls" movie?

Mean? Yeah, I guess it is. But you have to forgive me for being grumpy about this entire project. The hype posits that the "girls" are FINALLY RETURNING for this big-screen version of the HBO series. Returning? They never went away! For one thing, new episodes ceased, what, 5 years ago? Reruns have been in syndication and in a high-profile slot on TBS. HBO itself has rerun the original versions and made them available for On Demand viewing. The DVD sets are all over the place. And besides… People have been talking about this movie ever since the TV show stopped!

Actually, I'm pretty sure speculation began before "Sex and the City" aired its finale--much like how people for some unknown reason wanted there to be a "Sopranos" movie, the show's fans and its cheerleaders in the Manhattan-centric entertainment news media were pushing the idea of a possible film. So, yes, we never had the opportunity to miss the show, even if we were so inclined to do so, and then suddenly that same entertainment news media started running these tease pics of the movie shoot. It's this relentless ongoing hype that turns me against "Sex and the City," not the film or the franchise itself.

OK, well, maybe I do have some gripes with the film and the franchise. For one thing, this movie is something like 2 hours and 20 minutes long. Why in the world does whatever story they're telling have to take 2 hours and 20 minutes? And furthermore...Ah, wait. I don't want to turn this into a big rant about "Sex and the City" itself. It has its dedicated fanbase, and I respect that. It's just that the concept of this movie as a phenomenon got way out of hand way too early, and that's what...

No, no, no. I think I AM gonna turn this into a big rant about "Sex and the City" itself. Like Carrie's cutesy voice-overs. And who cares about her and Mr. Big? And aren't these characters a little too old to be referring to each other as--there I go again.

What can I say? I want to give the fans of this show their moment and just let this entry in the Crummy Movie Cavalcade pass me by, but it's just so darned tough because of all the hype. I'm thankful my wife doesn't plan to try to drag me to this, but I already dread the DVD release hype and the sequel talk. I can't stop it, but I can try to avoid it.

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: Made of Honor

True believers, you may have worried that the summer edition of the Crummy Movie Cavalcade had already gone kaput, that New Coke was threatening to pull its sponsorship after seeing but one movie featured as yet. But don't worry! A cavalcade is relentless. It rolls on even as my attention shifts elsewhere. Let's see if we can catch up with it today as we look at...

MADE OF HONOR

The use of all-caps for the title is appropriate because if you're looking for a reason to dislike this movie, look no further than the groaner it goes by. I would argue that few movies have blatant puns in their titles, and none of them stars Patrick Dempsey.

So McDreamy (sorry, that's the only time I'll write that, and rest assured it's meant to be mocking) plays a man whose best friend is getting married. This friend asks him to be her bridesmaid, and he says, "What the heck," but then decides to sabotage it because he really loves her.

The idea of a man being a bridesmaid is good for at least a dozen cheap laughs right off the bat, and I'm sure that's what whoever greenlit this was thinking. "It practically writes itself," must have been the pitch. I wish it would watch itself, because I have the sneaking suspicion that when this one comes to DVD, my wife will be asking me to rent it. Oh, we may have dodged the theatrical bullet, but this one will be out on home video sure enough, no doubt in time for at least part of the fall wedding season.

You might be asking what the harm is if some studio wants to rip off "My Best Friend's Wedding" and maybe get the "Grey's Anatomy" crowd to pay to see Dempsey on a big screen. Then you might be a woman. Ladies, I don't begrudge you your interest in--

Wait, that's not true. OF COURSE I begrudge you your interest in him. I always thought Patrick Dempsey was a scrub, and I thought after his mini-heyday in the 1980s, he was off to transition into writing or directing or signing autographs at car shows. But no, he came back and became one of the "Sexiest Men Alive" again, and now he's all over the place.

As long as he's confined to television, I can live with it. I can slide into another room when my wife watches "Grey's" or ignore it on our DVR. But something about the phrase "Patrick Dempsey: Movie Star" makes me fear the apocalypse is imminent.

Thankfully, it doesn't appear to be the case. He may well be a decent enough guy, and he seems to have taken his career renaissance in good stride, but he's probably hit his peak. Notwithstanding his role in "Enchanted," he's a TV star, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Just don't push too many feature films with him carrying the load, let alone ones that think it'd be funny to have him be the maid of honor at a wedding. I could gripe about that premise a bit more, but I've used enough space complaining about Patrick Dempsey. So I'll just remind everyone--you, too, motion picture studios--that the man is not a movie star, and nor will he be, unless he gets lucky and finds himself cast in a "Sex and the City" film.

Huh. Did somebody mention "Sex and the City"? I did? Me? You don't suppose that one could be part of this cavalcade, do you? Mmm...could be...

Crummy Movie Cavalcade: What Happens in Vegas

We kick off the Summer 2008 Crummy Movie Cavalcade with a look at "What Happens in Vegas," surely one of the lamest romantic comedies to come down the pike in years--and let me tell you, the pike is already quite cluttered with lame romcoms of recent vintage.

Those failures, however, didn't "boast" the combination which the makers of this effort apparently see as their biggest asset: The teaming of Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. I try not to judge a movie by its posters, but those one-sheets that didn't bother presenting anything besides the stars' faces and the names DIAZ and KUTCHER don't inspire confidence.

I mean, does some executive think that's enough to sell a film? Have moviegoers been filing into theaters to see something, you know, good, passing by that poster, and saying to their significant other, "Ooh, look, honey, they're finally together!"

I think not. Even if there somehow is chemistry between these two leads, what good is it? Just because mud and sand combine to make something (they do, don't they? Hey, I'm no chemist) doesn't mean someone should put them together.

I used to stick up for Cameron Diaz. Sure, she gave off a rather shallow aura, but she had a certain on-screen charisma that made her magnetic in stuff like "The Mask" and "There's Something About Mary." But that was long ago, and in recent years, despite working with directors like Martin Scorcese and Curtis Hanson, she has become that rare performer who grows more vapid with age.

As for Ashton Kutcher--oh, boy. Give the guy credit for being on a long-running sitcom that is seen a dozen times a day on cable and local broadcast syndication. Give him credit for producing "Punk'd," a series that has some degree of cachet. You can even give him credit for that one surprise hit he had a few years ago when "The Butterfly Effect" somehow opened well. But other than that, what has he done lately--or ever? His major accomplishment this decade is banging Demi Moore and hanging out with her kids without being pummeled by Bruce Willis. This does not a movie star make.

I'd say his A-list card should be revoked, but I'm going a step further: Ashton Kutcher should never have been on the A-list in the first place. I refuse to recognize that he was, is, or will be. And if he's not a big movie star, then what's the point of seeing a lame romantic comedy with the main selling point of teaming him with Cameron Diaz?

"What Happens in Vegas" earns its distinction of kicking off the Summer Crummy Movie Cavalcade. There will be many more bad movies this season, and we hope to cover them the way they deserve. They can't all be "Iron Man," after all.

Coming Soon: Crummy Movie Cavalcade (Summer Edition)

I think it's high time to amp up the pomp and spectacle factor around here, and what better way to do so than by presenting a CAVALCADE? There are so many big movies coming out this summer that I'm already having trouble keeping them straight, and I somewhat presumptively figure you might have a similar problem.

So over the next few weeks, enjoy the first ever Cultureshark Crummy Movie Cavalcade. Each post will look at a different sure-to-be-lousy upcoming movie, including why it's guaranteed to be lousy, what it might take to get me into a theater to watch it, and who knows what else? After all, it's a CAVALCADE, so let's keep it light, spontaneous, and above all festive.

Stay tuned!