"Meow Mix Think Like a Cat" and other GSN animal shows

A few weekends ago, my wife and I, home at 9:30 on a Saturday night, sat on the couch and watched GSN's "Meow Mix Think Like a Cat," a game show with cats and their owners competing for lots of Meow Mix. And a lot of money if they can beat the infinitesimal odds.

I felt sorry for Chuck Woolery for hosting it. Then I felt sorry for us for watching it. Then again, we can blame it on our infant daughter, who keeps us home nights. I don't know what Chuck's excuse is--alimony? Back taxes? Desperate desire to stay in the limelight, however dimmed it may be?

The show itself was silly, even to a cat owner like myself. It was so filled with plugs for Meow Mix that by the end of the episode, I craved the stuff. Fortunately, our cat isn't on the stuff; otherwise there might have been an awkward moment when we bumped into each other at his supper dish.

I don't think Woolery is even a cat guy. I could see Alex Trebek being one. Haughty, superior, capable of occasional forced displays of warmth--yeah, that man thinks like a cat. But if Woolery is a lover of felines, maybe this is a decent mix--er, combination of show and host. I got to thinking about other possibilities GSN can explore if it wants to continue making shows in which humans try to emulate the behavior of animals. The formula is simple: Take one of the many past and presents emcees out there, match them with an appropriate creature, and there you go. I'll let GSN come up with the sponsors.

Here are some of my ideas:

*Hug a Cuddly Ol' Teddy Bear with Richard Karn
*Wrestle a Bear with Drew Carey
*Strut Like a Peacock with John O'Hurley
*Creep Like a Sloth with Louie Anderson
*Get Paid to be Spayed with Bob Barker
*Sing Like a Mockingbird with Wayne Brady
*Scratch Yourself Like a [Insert Comically "Backward" Animal Associated with the South] with Jeff Foxworthy
*Hook Up with a Model Half Your Age with Christopher Knight (hey, a middle-aged male recapturing his youth is an animal in his own right)
*Sit There Like a Pet Rock with Pat Sajak

This Week in DVD

Hancock: Anyone else disappointed that this isn't an Oliver Stone biopic alleging that the most famous signature on the Declaration of Independence is a forgery?

George Carlin: It's Bad for Ya: I've seen this final standup special of the great comedian, and--spoiler alert--he was really ticked off about a lot of stuff.


The Spy Who Came in From the Cold: I saw this thoughtful Richard Burton espionage pic a while ago but wasn't overwhelmed; perhaps this Criterion disc is a good opportunity to revisit it. I will say that I'll never forget the thrilling moment in which Burton is building a snowman and his mom opens the window and yells, "I don't care if you ARE a spy! Come on in before you catch your death of cold!" Gives me goosebumps, and not just because of the outdoor cinematography.


24: Redemption: I wish I could give this a thumbs up or down, but, hey, I still have the Fox broadcast version on my DVR. I want to watch it, but..I just don't have time for this, dammit!


Fred Claus: Every time I turn around, Vince Vaughn is in some kind of yuletide movie. Who does he think he is, Father Christmas? More like Ne'-er-Do-Well if Well-Meaning Second Cousin on the Wife's Side Christmas.

WWE The History of the Intercontinental Championship: Here's an interesting paradox: The Intercontinental belt has long been known as "the worker's title," the one usually fought over by the guys that could actually wrestle, as opposed to the stiffs who controlled the World title. Yet the longest-reigning IC champ in history is The Honkytonk Man. All you non-wrestling folks out there bailed long ago, didn't you?

Half-Assed Gourmet: Nectar of the "Ye Gods, that sucks!"

You ever pick up something new at the grocery store, try it, hate it, but then keep sampling it because you can't bear the thought of wasting the whole thing? Well, this just happened to me, but it's even worse because I got this iced tea on sale. Yet still I'm trying to salvage "my money's worth" from a half-gallon that cost me less than 2 bucks.

I like Turkey Hill iced tea, and I even like Turkey Hill diet iced tea, but I detest Turkey Hill diet green tea mango with ginseng and honey. It tastes like a blend of mouthwash and really cheap mouthwash. Maybe it's the ginseng? Any sane man would have dumped it down the drain after the first wretched gulp, but, no, I had to give it another chance. So I waited a few minutes, drank some agua to cleanse the system, and tried again. Still horrible!

Now, here I definitely should have admitted defeat and kissed my buck and a half good-bye. I would have gladly paid 5 bucks just to kill the aftertaste. Instead, I made a mistake. I placed the jug back in the fridge and let it be for a few days.

So what happens when I open the door a few days later looking for a tasty beverage? I start with the rationalizations. Maybe my taste buds were off. Maybe something I ate that day threw my inner tea tolerance off kilter. Maybe--eh, just maybe I ought to give it another shot. I swear I'm not normally this cheap when it comes to grocery purchases, but something inside me would not let me surrender. I was going to like this drink, darn it!

Except I wasn't. It still tasted of mouthwash, only now it was mouthwash that was a few days older. How can one company make something so good yet also produce this swill? I don't know if I'll be able to buy the good Turkey Hill tea again, and it's not the company's fault--well, of course it is in a sense--but mine, rather, for stubbornly forcing their weaker product down my gullet in a misguided attempt to train myself to enjoy it.

I'd like to tell you I finally did pour it into the sink and recycled the carton (thereby making "going green" refer to something besides my pallor after drinking this), but I left it in there. That's the bad news.

The good news is, my wife just told me her friend was over and had some of it. "I hope you don't mind," she said. "Mind? MIND? I hated that stuff. Did SHE like it?" Indeed, she did!

I feel vindicated! See? I'll get my money's worth yet from this stuff. I just have to invite my wife's friend back over to finish it off for me. And I have to do it soon because the container is still in my refrigerator, at least half full. And I'm getting thirsty. And, come on, how bad could it really be? And hasn't it been a while since I drank some tea...

5Q Movie Review: iron Man

Q: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you get off posting about a movie you admit you had 3 false starts on, a movie it took you a week to get through?

A: Well we had baby issues come up! And in my defense, once we got a half-hour into the movie, we were good to go and made it all the way to the end.

Hey, how did you know that, anyway?

Q: Is this the COMIC BOOK MOVIE OF THE YEAR?

A: Uh, well, I haven't yet seen Dark Knight, Hulk, or Hellboy [hangs head in shame], but I can say that "Iron Man" certainly is indicative of many comic book movies. Unfortunately, that's not an entirely good thing. While I like many aspects of Jon Favreau's big-screen rendition of the character, the film itself is too much setup, too little action--sadly true of many comic movies that rely on "origin stories" for much of the plot. It takes about 30 minutes to see Tony Stark use the armor, and afterwards there isn't enough payoff to justify the time investment.

Q: What about Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man? Does he pull it off?

A: I think he's great. The way this movie is constructed, anyone could play Iron Man, really--well, OK, maybe it would be a stretch for even the delightful and talented Swoosie Kurtz--but playing Tony Stark is the key, and Downey excels here. He captures the roguish charm of the wealthy playboy/munitions manufacturer without turning him into the often-dickish figure he's flirted with becoming in recent years' Marvel comics. Downey is the best thing about the film, and while not on the level of, say, Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow as far as making a blockbuster a must-see, he delivers a credible performance--more importantly, an entertaining one.

Q: How about the supporting cast? Do they match up well with Downey?

A: Gwyneth Paltrow is fine as Pepper Potts, and she has a fun chemistry with boss/possibly something more than just a boss Tony Stark, but the character is underwritten.

Speaking of underwritten, you have to laugh at the notion of Terence Howard demanding ANYTHING to be in the sequel and getting booted off this gravy train. Fans speculate that his Jim Rhodes character, who becomes War Machine in the comics, will be a big part of the sequel, but he does almost nothing interesting in the first one. In fact, I believe Swoosie Kurtz could play Jim Rhodes without difficulty.

As for the villain--who I'm not naming here even though I think it's common knowledge and you can just think of the star I've left out--it's a massive miscalculation on the story level to have this individual be the big threat Iron Man faces. The effort to "buff him up" as a physical equal is weak, and this makes the climax uninteresting. What's a superhero movie without a worthy villain? It's "Iron Man."

Q: What are you talking about? This movie is a huge smash, it has earned great reviews, and even the comic book geeks love it! Why are you hating?

A: It's a fun flick with some cool effects, and I imagine it was a blast in a movie theater. I just think it came up short story-wise. However, I think director Jon Favreau showed enough signs that he "gets" the character, and I enjoy Downey's performance enough, that I'll gladly give this team another shot when the sequel arrives. Just unleash the armor and let Shellhead fight some cool bad guys!

Do we really need a reason?

I went over to Trader Joe's today to get a few non-essentials (man can't live on staples alone--well, maybe he can, but it's not much of a life) and saw, much to my non-surprise, the store will be closed tomorrow for Thanksgiving. That would be good enough for me, but the sign on the door adds this remark:

"...so that our crew can enjoy the holiday with their families."

Each major holiday, I see similar signs, and it always makes me wonder: Are there people who, barring such an explanation, will go up to the store on Thanksgiving, pound the door, peer inside, and wonder why the hell they can't get in to stock up on tempura shrimp?

Really, I think this situation falls into the "no explanation necessary" category. If you want to close your establishment on Thanksgiving, close it. If you close on a random Wednesday without apparent reason, I might be miffed for wasting the trip, but I think I get the picture on a big holiday.

If you want to assure me that you celebrate the occasion, well, that's fine, but unless you stop selling what I want at a reasonable price, I won't patronize your joint just because I know your employees like digging into a giant turkey like most of the rest of us.

I guess if someone has to say something, that explanation is a lot more customer-friendly than, "Trader Joe's will be closed Thanksgiving because nobody wants to work that day and we don't think you'll come out here and shop, anyway."

'Tis the season to be shopping

You're about to hear, if you haven't already, scores of dire prognostications as to the upcoming holiday shopping season. With the economy reputedly in the crapper, plus the natural tendency for the media to jump on anything that justifies a "Worst Christmas Season for Merchants in Years" headline, you just know there's gonna be some doom and gloom.

It's only common sense to believe people will cut back given all the bad stuff going on. But can we be sure people are gonna cut back on buying stuff? I'm starting to think otherwise based on anecdotal evidence--a fancy way of saying, "I talked to a few people," but, hey, one of these people was my wife, and I'm reasonably sure I can trust her.

Turns out the malls around here are already packed. Mrs. Shark returned burned out, frustrated, and dispirited after a brief shopping excursion last weekend. The mall was insane. This was the week before Thanksgiving, remember.

I've heard similar experiences already. In other words, though the world may be falling apart, though numbers just came out today reporting a big drop in consumer spending in October, I still have no reason to believe going to a shopping mall--or a big shopping center/plaza/strip mall/what have you, for that matter--will be anything less than a big migraine in the weeks ahead.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. Perhaps my area is insulated from the economic woes. Perhaps the shopping situation is so chaotic here that even a drop to mildly chaotic wouldn't register. I suppose it's even possible that all those families at the mall are just walking around and not actually shopping--but I doubt it.

In summary, then, the Cultureshark Christmas Economic Forecast calls for the following: Long lines, non-navigable parking lots, stifling crowds, and general confusion. You heard it here first!