'Mooners Monday #15: Stanley Saxon: What a milquetoast

In modern times, it has become common to express a desire to punch someone in the face or to describe someone as having a face that "you just want to punch." I think both sentiments are appalling and try to avoid these Internet-era clichés. However, when I watch "Here Comes the Bride" with guest character Stanley Saxon...

Let's just say there's a good reason I snubbed Saxon from my list of proposed Honeymooners action figures a while back. He's a milquetoast. He spends the whole episode whining.  I'm not saying the chauvinist bluster of Ralph and Ed is the model Stanley should adopt, but surely he could find more productive things to say than, "I TOLD Ralph..." in that nasally drone.

(The actor John Gibson, who is seen in several other episodes in different roles as well as in other great shows of the era like Sgt. Bilko, is doing a great job, playing the role as written. It's not HIS fault he irritates me so much. Well, it kind of is, but I hold no malice. It's unfortunate that there is nothing in The Official Honeymooners Treasury about this actor nor the distinctive performance.)

At the beginning of the episode, he seems to be laughing and having a good time with his brother Raccoons the night before his wedding to Alice's sister Agnes, but then he stands up and defends marriage against all the good-natured jokes everyone is making and puts on a semi-scowl--half displeasure, half confusion--that he wears for the rest of "Here Comes the Bride."

"I'm very happy," he whines. Well, good for you, Stanley. Ralph and Ed get in their share of zingers, and then before "a little entertainment" in the club room (I would like to see what is going on in there!), they find out Stanley is moving in with Alice and Agnes' parents. "WHAT?" is Ralph's predictable response, and Stanley can only say, "Oh, I don't know, Ralph. They seem like nice people."

It's not what he says. It's the way he says it.

OK, granted, Ralph's advice to Stanley to be the king of his castle and insist to Agnes that they don't move in with her parents causes a big fight and a lot of trouble for everyone. The worst is when everyone finds out Ralph was the instigator and Agnes tells Stanley she KNEW it wasn't HIS fault. Stanley replies, "I shouldn't have listened to him." Come on, Stan! Be a man! Own your actions!

If that isn't enough, he provides one wavering "Oh, Agnes," before he exits. This is a reminder that even when he's HAPPY, he sounds like a sad sack.

OK, maybe I don't want to actually punch Stanley Saxon in the face, but it wouldn't bother me if Norton got him a job in the sewer, either. Maybe getting hit on the head with a manhole cover would do wonders for his personality.

Streaming Video Power Rankings Week #61 (Special Happy Memorial Day edition)

1) Netflix: Memorial Day is a good time to remind ourselves of the recent Five Came Back docuseries streaming on Netflix. Oh, and of course, the sacrifices of our nation's servicemembers, but I was hoping that was a given.

Premiering this week on the 'Flix: New season of Bloodline, one of the quieter series returns in recent memory (a nice way of saying, who is watching this show?) and off-network reruns of Bunk'd. Sadly, I know what I'm gonna be watching when the kids come over for the holiday.

And what about Brad Pitt in War Machine? A big movie with a big star and maybe some big ambitions. Is it any good? Shh! You're not supposed to care about that. I do think it's kind of odd, though--when this was announced, it seemed like a huge deal, yet scores of other announcements and premiering Netflix original feature films have kind of taken the shine off this debut.

2) Hulu: Added several seasons of Power, which doesn't really thrill me, but I think anytime episodes of a series only available on a premium pay network (Starz in this case) migrates here, that's a good thing. Also, Hulu remains the go-to source for next-day TV events, including the Billboard awards and the Dirty Dancing remake (I didn't say good next-day TV events). And, hey, House Hunters International, or at least a big batch of it, is now here as well. Casual  eason 3 is also new.

3) Warner Archive Instant: I'm supposed to be angry about WAI for not adding new content regularly--though a big assortment of Hawaiian Eye episodes just returned--but how can I stay mad at my one source for the adventures of the Bradford family? Also, kudos to WAI for putting together a Memorial Day showcase for the weekend.

4) Shout! Factory TV: They made it harder to find by eliminating a category and throwing it into the "Standup Showcase" category, but the Dick Cavett selection is still available, and I saw a  few remarkable episodes this week--one with Robin Williams being typically Robin Williams and one with Eddie Murphy being surprisingly low-key despite Cavett flailing with cringeworthy attempts at racial humor. It's a must-see piece of the archives.

5) Pub-D-Hub: A solid update week, and I checked out some of an old Australian rock and roll program. Yes, they did have rock and roll in Australia. It's what Sandy Olsson listened to, remember?

6) YouTube: It's been slow going for some of my favorite YouTube uploaders lately, and I hope they get back into it soon.

7) CW Seed: Added Dynasty and Everwood. It's impressive that this under-the-radar free service slowly keeps adding material. Part of me thinks it would be great if it could combine with the "regular" CW, but I guess  anything pre-2015 is "off brand" and possibly "icky."

8) TuneIn: Am I just listening to Deep Oldies at a certain time, or is there a reason I hear so much Dave Mason on there lately? Not that I am complaining, mind you.

9) HBO: It may have disappointed some by announcing the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones would be only 6 episodes, but it also teased possible prequel ideas. I mean, HBO seems committed to finding any angle it can on any possible spinoff whatever. So fear not, fans, the network is on its way to providing you more of the franchise than you really need and running it into the ground. But it's all in service to you, the fans.

10) MLB.TV: Mixed week for the Pirates, but a good week for MLB.TV  The option to grab radio feeds of the games is a nice, perhaps underappreciated touch.

TODAY on Battle of the Network Shows

It's Mork and Mindy on the show today! Click here to go to the website and get the episode, and don't you dare miss it!

'Mooners Monday #14: Audrey Meadows tells it like it is

I'll save my discussion of one of my least favorite supporting characters--a man so sniveling he makes Harvey's friend George look Clint Eastwood--for next week. Today I do want to talk about "Here Comes the Bride,"  but I want to focus on an odd passage from The Official Honeymooners Treasury by Peter Crescenti and Bob Columbe.

We know that Alice Kramden, despite her extremely high tolerance for Ralph's bluster and foolishness, is no pushover. But Audrey Meadows herself is something else. She always seemed like (and sounded like, if you heard her in her later years with that raspy voice) a straight shooter. Audrey the actress makes Alice the character look like...well, like that guy in "Here Comes the Bride" we'll talk about next week.

In the book, Audrey talks about the dress she was going to wear to her sister's wedding.  She mentions that costume   designer Peggy Morrison "was a very nice woman, but she had a little problem of belting brandy."

A little problem of belting brandy!

Jackie Gleason had a vision for the dress, and Morrison nailed it, but "it was miles too long." So Meadows put pins in it and asked her to cut it to the length she showed her, where the pins were.

"I didn't see it again until it was time to put it on to walk through the door.  She had belted just enough brandy that she had cut it so short that it was ridiculous. I looked like Shirley Temple doing 'Good Ship Lollipop' or something.  I said, Jack, what am I going to do?'   he said, 'Stay behind the table.'"

I am no expert on Polish-style wedding dresses made of tulle, but this passage always confused me. Let's set aside the possible slander against poor Peggy Morrison. (If you're not convinced how indispensable this book is, how many other sources talk about the imbibing of the series' costume designer?) The dress doesn't look scandalously short to me, and it's not like Alice totally hides behind the table.

Then again, I am a dude, and I may be totally oblivious. The detail in Audrey's account confuses me, though. Is it possible Meadows is somehow confusing this episode with 'The Man from Space," in which she seemingly wears an actual Shirley Temple costume?

"Where's the other half of that costume?"

Streaming Video Power Rankings Week #60 (Special "Count on seeing these rankings every single Satur--oops" edition)

1) Netflix: I read somewhere (these rankings are always based on cutting-edge research, you know) that the most popular series on Netflix is Sherlock, so it's a pretty big deal for them to add season 4. However, there are also new episodes of Kimmy Schmidt, a new true crime docuseries, and of interest to me, the Christine Chubbuck biopic with Rebecca Hall  (Tip: if you don't know who Christine Chubbuck is, don't look it up and get into it if you're not in the mood to feel sad).

2) Hulu: For commissioning/encouraging/tolerating/whatever a new documentary about George Lazenby, Hulu deserves high praise. George's lone Bond outing, On Her Majesty's  Secret Service, is also available here.

3) Warner Archive Instant: Eddie Albert vs. Raymond Massey made for a fine confrontation on Dr. Kildare.

4) MLB.TV: How about those Pirates? They won a big series against the Nationals. I didn't get to see any of it except the game they lost, of course, but I could have thanks to the fine folks at MLB.TV. I'm tempted to boot it out of the top 10, though, for backing out the Pirates feed and making me watch the "hometown" version.

5) TuneIn TV: Deep Oldies continues to bring it. Plus I heard an ad for some celebrity chef guy who is premiering a podcast on TuneIn.  That's not actually very interesting or useful, but it's better than me complaining yet again about the 80s channel playing the same Air Supply song over and over.

6) Pub-D-Hub: A solid update last week was highlighted by an episode of that old crime TV show featuring THE most charismatic, most dynamic, most razzle-dazzle of all old-timey Hollywood stars, George Raft.

7) Pluto TV: Pluto added a bunch of on-demand offerings, and, yes, much of it is that same MGM library stuff that floats around, but it's free, and big ups to Pluto for continuing to grow and for continuing to be free.

8) Showtime: It's rare that Showtime gets the buzz that HBO gets, but Twin Peaks returns this weekend, so, enjoy the attention, guys! Come for Twin Peaks, stay for...uh, those other shows they are proud of having!

9) Twitch TV:  For some reason, this service, which runs a lot of live streams of playing video games, aired a Mister Rogers marathon as part of some campaign for PBS. Is PBS going after the 420 crowd now? Can't wait to see the premiums the roll out in the next pledge drive.

That said, seeing black-and-white episodes of ol' Fred Rogers = cool stuff.

10) YouTube: I was pleasantly surprised to see the existence of a "Universal Vault" channel on here with rarities from the 1930s...but by the time I got to YT, to check it out, it had been removed due to a copyright claim. Booooo! YouTube slides down the list because of this. (Special shout-out to the excellent "I Wake Up Streaming" column at The Daily Grindhouse website for mentioning the channel; it's not his fault it got yanked.)

So I finally saw Running Scared...

I finally saw Running Scared a few weeks ago after making it a goal of mine .  Yes, some people resolve to lose weight or accomplish some kind of financial goal or better their communities. I resolved to see Running Scared.

Of course I mean the 1986 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines buddy action-comedy directed by Peter Hyams. No offense, Paul Walker fans, but it irritates me that his unrelated 2006 flick of the same name now shows up first in web searches. When determining which of two movies with identical titles is the definitive one, ask this simple question: Did it spawn a hit song and accompanying music video by Michael McDonald? If no, then the movie cannot be the "real" one of that title.

For years, I  had only seen the "Sweet Freedom" video, but for years, it felt like enough. It had hijinks, tropical fun, and action. How could the actual movie, which I assumed did not have Michael McD in a prominent role, compare? Yet as time went on, I felt something was missing.  Several times in recent years, I have attempted to see the movie--and by that I mean, I muttered, "Huh, oughta watch that one," and then forgot about it. It's been on many different channels and streaming services, but here in 2017, I did indeed finally watch it.

The good news is that "Sweet Freedom" does get a big sequence in the film, and it's kind of like--well, kind of like a music video. The movie as a whole is entertaining. It's pleasant. It's likable. It's not life changing or great--not like that video--but I'm glad I saw it. It would have been an easy sequel--just trot the leads out and let them recreate their chemistry in any kind of BS story 32 screenwriters could throw together.

The non-"Freedom" highlight of the movie for me is late in the proceedings when a young Jimmy Smits yells with urgency: "My coke! My coke!" I didn't remember that scene from the video.

So now I have seen Running Scared. What's next? Mount Everest? Everything seems wide open to me now...and yet strangely empty.