Judge Shark Settles the Project Runway Dispute

Lifetime and Bravo (through its parent company NBC Universal) are waging a court battle with the Weinstein Company over the fate of "Project Runway," and the series is in limbo while the lawyers fight over which network gets to air it. Judge Shark graciously but authoritatively steps in now and settles this dispute himself. What follows is the text of his decision:

Although this dispute appears to concern two cable television entities and not the public airwaves, I feel that in my decision I must consider the good of the public at large, not just the interests of Lifetime and Bravo and of the show's producers.

Therefore, I declare full jurisdiction over this matter and decide as follows in the matter of who will air the latest season of "Project Runway":

NO ONE will air it.

This inane reality program has been on long enough to appease its followers for years to come. More importantly, those of us who do not follow the series are subjected to voluminous amounts of commercials, promos, and hype in all of the media when a season is running. Given Bravo's reliance on the show and constant rerunning, it feels like "Project Runway" is always running.

So it is in the best interests of America at large that the show remain off the airwaves, off cable, off satellite, off televisions everywhere, for at least another year or so.

Furthermore, the parties involved shall commit their resources and energies in more productive pursuits for the betterment of society:

*Bravo will add more variety to its schedule and stop replaying the same handful of tired reality programs ad nauseam.

*Lifetime will cease its pursuit of "Project Runway" and will buy back "Golden Girls" reruns from Hallmark. Lifetime should air "Golden Girls" reruns in perpetuity. At this point, the network is unthinkable without them.

*NBC Universal will try to develop new, original shows that entertain and enlighten. This may seem an impossible task, but perhaps by saving the legal fees that would be incurred in this case, the company can hire a few people who know what they're doing.

*The Weinstein Company will stay out of dumb reality television and concentrate on making "prestige" motion pictures and aggressively marketing them as Academy Awards contenders. With renewed focus and resources, it is this court's belief that the Weinsteins can do much better next year than "The Reader."

*Heidi Klum will continue to look hot and will seek out venues that show off her hotness.

This court's decision is final. Good luck to all those involved. Bravo is welcome to apply for a reinstatement of "Project Runway" next year at this time.