Stuff We Should Bring Back #1

Here's something we oughta revive: The practice of calling someone "Jack" when assuming a macho stance against him in some kind of conflict.

This was especially cool in professional wrestling, as in:

"If you want a shot at this title, just step up on, Jack, because I'm ready 24/7 to defend it."

What can I say? I just like it. Nobody seems to be using this anymore. Maybe it's because we don't have real men heroes anymore, or even posers trying to pass themselves off as such, but I'll bet even Orlando Bloom could seem a wee bit tougher if he tried addressing someone as "Jack" if things got tense.

Stuff I Scrambled to See on Netflix Before It Expired Theater (Part 2)

Well, it's been nearly two months since I scrambled to see it all, but, hey, I still saw it. So here are some capsule reviews of another batch of those titles that kept me busy before the big May 1 Massacre. Today's installment is Monogram Madness.

There's something about that Monogram logo coming up at the beginning of a picture that fills my heart with joy. The Poverty Row studio cranked out a bunch the man nicknamed "One Shot" cranked out tons of these  of movies in Hollywood's Golden Age, and, sure, many of them were considerably less than golden, but many are still enjoyable today. One type of film the company specialized in was the comedy thriller. Often it featured a sassy lady and a bland but well-meaning fella teaming up to solve some kind of mystery, experiencing some scares and some bumps on the head (maybe even a moider or two) along the way.

Netfliz quietly added a bunch of these (and other studios' similar efforts) a few years back, and they are unpretentious little programmers that almost always get in and out in under 70-75 minutes.

Fashion Model (1945) is an enjoyable picture that is still available on Instant Watching. The name William Beaudine is a familiar one to B-movie buff; "One Shot" cranked out tons of these back in the day. It's tempting to say that all of the cheapo quickies Beaudine made, this is...one of them. But really this is a legit charmer.

As the opening credits rolled, I wondered why this "Tim Ryan" fellow was getting such prominent billing with Robert Lowery and Marjorie Weaver. Then I saw the screenplay credit: "Tim Ryan." Aha! Ryan is a police detective (unimaginatively named 'O'Hara") who tries to solve the murder of a fashion model in conjunction with/competition with/in pursuit of the leads' stockboy/model combo. See, Lowery's character is himself accused of the crime, so he has to clear his name by finding the REAL killer, and his girlfriend helps him, and--well, hey, just because it's a familiar tale doesn't mean it can't be entertaining.

I'm happy to report that this title survived the May 1 purge and returned a day or so later. So if you have an hour to kill and seek an unassuming time-waster, I recommend "Fashion Model" for your Instant Watching pleasure.

Two Shadow movies starring Kane Richmond as the pulp hero are not currently available on Instant Watching, but they are worth tracking down. Of the two, I found the second, The Missing Lady,  tenser and more involving than Behind the Mask (both from 1946), but be forewarned: These movies present a much lighter take on the character than, well, just about any other take on the character outside of "Mad" magazine.

Richmond, already a veteran of serials when he starred in The Shadow Returns (which was NOT one of the titles available on Netflix, and I'd sure like to see it), is a solid if unspectacular presence as Lamont Cranston. He receives able support from Barbara Read as longtime gal Margo Lane, but more importantly, ubiquitous era character actor George Chandler makes an amusing and compelling sidekick.

The pictures Netflix posted, plus the Shadow name and the movie titles, made these sound noirish, but these are much more comedy-mysteries in the typical Monogram vein than anything resembling hard-boiled. They are competently made, though, under the direction of Phil Karlson, who went on to make some truly stellar legitimate noirs. I'm sorry to report these are NOT on Netflix now, but I'll keep an eye out and try to let you know if and when they return.

UPDATE: As we were going to press (Actually, I could have revised this post to integrate this, but I always wanted to say that), I saw 1945's Tragedy at Midnight, one of the Republic pictures that is set to expire from Netflix on July 15. It is in much the same vein, under an hour, featuring a pair of radio detectives of sorts who  become suspects in a case. It's fast-moving with some amusing touches, like when Roscoe Karns, a detective assigned by the beleaguered police to basically harass John Howard's radio star because he makes them look bad, is talking to his boss on the telephone in a split screen, and at the end of the exchange, they gasp at each other. This one is apparently only gonna be around another week, but it's also worth a look.

This Week in Instant Watching

Special thanks to the Founding Fathers for helping out with the column yesterday, but today's words and thoughts are all mine--though they can't help but be influenced by the enduring legacy of Alexander Hamilton. Dude was bad-ass!

The standard beginning-of-the-month Netflix catalog dump brought few surprises--mainly a bunch of the same MGM titles that keep rotating in and out--but there are always some interesting things that jump out. Jimmy Stewart's Call Northside 777 is interesting because it's part of the Fox Film Noir DVD series, and Fox classics are always welcome on streaming. Along those lines, I note the presence of Liz and Dick in the notorious 1963 Cleopatra. All those new Elizabeth Taylor fans Lindsay Lohan made when portraying the legend can now see if the original can possibly stack up to the modern-day version.

The big highlight for me is 56 Up, the latest in Michael Apted's brilliant documentary "Up" series, films produced 7 years apart that show a constant group of subjects at the various stages in their lives.

Recent films like 6 Souls, The House That I Live In, and As Luck Would Have It (Did I mention Salma Hayek is in that one? I did last week? Sorry, it's hard to keep track of things sometimes. I'm no James Madison, you know) arrive at about the same time they hit home video.

Also new are a bunch of Ken Burns and other PBS titles, reflecting a recent trumpeted business extension between the network and Netflix. I'm all in favor of this because it's a broad deal with some depth to it, and it probably didn't cost a ton. I'm less enthused by the arrival of The New Girl and the hoopla accompanying Netflix's deal to become its exclusive online distributor. This is a moderately successful current sitcom with some but not a whole lot critical cachet. It may have some buzz, but not nearly as much as media elite favorites like Mad Men. i'm sure there are some people that are excited about seeing the episodes they just saw again on demand, but as a subscriber, I don't want to see Netflix spending acquisition funds on things like this.

Let me mention an odd thing that happened on Netflix last week: I wanted to watch Cheers, but the show was absent from my Recently Watched row. Uh-oh, I thought, that usually means something went bye-bye. I did a search for the title, and the show's name came up, which was a good sign, but not the show itself. I tried searching for Ted Danson but couldn't get the show. I tried looking at the row of recommended titles marked "1980s Comedies that Ended with Event Finales Including Tonight Show Appearances with Most of the Cast Plastered, the Tape of which You Still Have and May Actually Be Able to Dig Up Now." But it wasn't there, either.

The next day, though, it was back, and I could again watch "Cheers." What happened? Glitch? Sunspots? Voodoo? Beats me, but the incident is yet another reminder of the volatile nature of instant watching.

Speaking of that, regarding those unaired Don't Trust the B episodes I wrote about last week, after rechecking Hulu Plus, I can report...nothing. They're still not there, though the 11 AIRED episodes ARE, which somehow only makes me angrier.

This Week in DVD: Special PATRIOT edition!

In honor of a very special birthday, I decided to not just list the most notable new DVDs out this week, but to dig up some comments by noted American patriots about each title. While there are some interesting new streaming titles this week, we won't be covering them here this week. I mean, come on, how would the Founding Fathers know anything about streaming video? That's just absurd.

6 Souls: "I regret that I have but 6 souls to give for my country." -- Nathan Hale, noted spy

The Girl: "'Tis better to live well and be well read than to bypass theaters for video instead. Now where is this girl about which you speak?" -- Silence Dogood, noted know-it-all

The House I Live In: "My house is but a humble extension of myself, built and maintained with industry, perseverance, and the manual labor of my slaves." -- Thomas Jefferson, noted hypocrite

Venus and Serena: "The redcoats will find their misery inescapable should they choose to advance now...also, should they watch an entire movie about the Williams sisters." -- George Washington, noted tree surgeon

Inescapable: "Give me Marisa Tomei topless or give me death!" -- Patrick Henry, noted loudmouth

The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis: "If this be the cobbler Gillis, the same Doberman Prescott Gillis who is betrothed to my sister, he shall be stoned for this frivolity." -- John Hancock, noted autographer

Night Court Season 9: "A television program, once jumped over the shark, can never be restored. Credibility, once it is lost, is lost forever." -- John Adams, noted cousin of the noted beer maker

Last Resort: The Complete Series: "Yeah, the show bombed, but Andre Braugher kicks ass." -- John Morgan, some carpenter

My mom buys "Us" Magazine so you don't have to

Well, you won't be seeing any "My wife reads People..." posts here anymore because while "People" continues to crank out its glossy infotainment each week, I no longer have a wife. Fortunately I have another female family member to throw under the bus (and, no, those posts aren't the reason I no longer have a wife--at least I don't think so). My wonderful mother was helping me get situated at the new Cultureshark Tower, and she got an "Us Magazine" at the store and left it for me to read.

After a few days, I succumbed and invested the 3 minutes necessary to read it. I won't even rant about the 40 pages of stars that are "just like us" juxtaposed with 40 more pages of red carpet photos that prove they're not. But one of those red carpet pages did irritate me. It's an inane collection of 3 paired photos, each  challenging us to decide "Who Wore It Best?" Here's the kicker: All these photos are of little kids, and most are toddlers.

We don't even have to think too hard deciding which preschooler wore Nico Nico or Stella McCartney better--probably good for us--because "US asked 100 people in NY's Rockefeller Center," and we see the results. Now, I hope these 100 people, assuming they, you know, exist, didn't actually consider the question. I'm picturing someone on their way to a hot dog cart (like my vivid depiction of life in Manhattan?) pointing at one of the pictures and shaking their head as they rush on to grab a quick bite.

At least these kids are celebrities--Matthew Broderick's girls (I assume), a Jolie-Pitt kid, David Beckham's son, two other little girls (sorry, never heard of them)--but still! Even if this feature is intended to be tongue in cheek, it's still presenting little kids in some kind of fashion competition. This ridiculous feature makes the next page of content, an look at Katie Couric's "Secret Love Life," look like a piece in "Foreign Affairs."

Let's just say that until I remarry, or until my mother returns for a visit, we won't be seeing many pieces about "People" and "Us" on this site.

Vault of Coolness: Marvel Fun and Games

It's a cliche to ask, "Remember when comics were fun?" But...well...sure, there are tons of fun comics books being made these days, but there is something to be said for the era when you could go to the drugstore and pick up something like this:

Here's just one of the fun things you got in this issue: A SECRET CODE!