Summer Movie Preview: May (Part 1)

Time for another look at the upcoming summer movies from a man who never goes to the movies anymore. My rating system is so simple, even a blogger can do it: red light means no way I'll see it, yellow light means I might see it under the right circumstances (wave of good reviews, matinee opportunity, or maybe see it on DVD), green light means, yeah, I'd see it if I didn't have a young daughter and therefore never went out.

(Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming my daughter; if anything, the biggest of her many contributions to my life is inadvertently preventing me from spending money on so many crappy flicks the past few summers.)

This week we start with May:

Iron Man 2 (last weekend): This one doesn't sound like a winner, but Robert Downey makes a cool Tony Stark, even if I'm not sure the filmmakers know exactly what to do with Iron Man. There are other bright spots in the cast, though. Don Cheadle for Terence Howard is an upgrade akin to trading in a Mitsubishi for a Cadillac (I'm not a car guy, so I hope that makes sense). ScarJo as Black Widow reminds me of my days working at a movie theater. A few of us were discussing the upcoming epic "Turbulence," and my buddy said, "The ONLY reason I'd see that would be to see Lauren Holly in one of those flight attendant outfits," (he may have said "stewardess;" we were less enlightened in the nineties) and that's kind of what I'm thinking with Black Widow and "Iron Man 2." But I'm also excited that Garry Shandling is in this movie--as anyone, let alone a freaking U.S. Senator--albeit for a completely different reason. Yeah, I don't have a lot of intelligent thought on this movie, but it came out last week and everyone's probably made up their mind by now, anyway.

So what does this all add up to? It adds up to a yellow light--something I'm not gonna rush to see this summer, but something I'll rent early on DVD.

Robin Hood (May 14): This movie purports to tell the untold story of Robin Hood, and to that, I say, if it hasn't been told by now, maybe it's not worth telling. I saw Russell Crowe on Craig Ferguson's show the other night, and Big Russ talked up how different THIS version is. He rattled off a list of standard Hood scenes and tropes, none of which, he insisted, are in his new movie.

So what IS in there? Well, to be honest, I still don't know. I like the idea of Robin Hood, so I'll see this eventually, but it strikes me as an inessential picture right now. Yellow light.

Letters to Julia (May 14): Can Amanda Seyfried carry a movie? I guess we're about to find out as she headlines this romance. It's pretty much her and a bunch of guys with Italian-sounding names, which I suppose is kind of a relief given that the story is set in Italy.

Seyfried has an interesting look, certainly not one you're gonna see in everything else in the multiplexes this summer. This ain't my kind of movie, but I kind of hope it does well for her. As for me, it's a firm red light until/unless my wife asks me to rent it from Netflix someday.

Just Wright (May 14): A basketball movie starring Common and Queen Latifah? Why not give us a hip-hop movie starring LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony? Wait, forget I said that. There's a very real chance that is already in the works. Red light. And the Celtics in 7.

Look for Part 2 of May tomorrow!

Page Ought: The scoop on series finales

That's right, Cultureshark's explosive--and exclusive--gossip column returns, and this time we're sharing the scoop on a host of network TV season finales. If you don't want spoilers, turn your heads, folks, because we have all the juicy tidbits right here

Desperate Housewives: Look for a dangerous situation to culminate in several inconvenient plot threads being wrapped up at once! Do NOT expect to see ex-castmember Nicollette Sheridan! And, oh, yeah: at least one character DIES.

Grey's Anatomy: A bunch of characters engage in some hand-wringing over their personal lives. Others engage in hand-wringing over a medical crisis. This is gonna be a real game changer. And one character DIES.

Private Practice: A bunch of characters engage in some hand-wringing over their personal lives. Others engage in hand-wringing over a medical crisis. This is gonna be a real game changer. And one character DIES.

Lost: Many confusing things unfold in a manner that appears to answer many questions but also leaves room for perpetual "interpretation." At least one character DIES.

House: House deals with the same drug addiction he's been dealing with for years. There is some sexual tension. And the idea of anything truly original happening DIES.

Two and a Half Men: The titular brothers get in an argument over a wacky situation. The notion of Charlie Sheen's dignity DIED many years ago.

Law and Order Special Victims Unit: The detectives struggle to solve the case of someone who died.

Heroes: Wait, this show ended a while ago, didn't it? Somebody died, right?

America's Next Top Model: The remaining contestants make bitchy comments. Someone's dream of becoming America's Next Top Model DIES.

Masterpiece Theater: When an unsuspecting person dies, a very British but slightly quirky detective tries to solve the case.

Cable Movie Roundup

This roundup is gonna be one big Post of Ambivalence. You'll see what I mean.

Burn After Reading: The Coen Brothers are brilliant...except when they're not. I often think my quality meter is askew when it comes to these guys. I tend to love films that many find disappointing ("The Ladykillers") while not getting into some of the acknowledged classics (I guess I need to watch "Miller's Crossing" again someday). Given the tepid reaction to "Burn," I half-expected to find it a neglected comic masterpiece. Instead, I thought this sort-of-madcap spy caper was reminiscent of "Intolerable Cruelty"--a movie that looked like the performers were having a great time, or working hard to convince itself they were, but just not getting those good feelings across to the audience. The lack of a real payoff wouldn't be as big a deal if the movie were funnier, but it's more often just frantic.

The Express: This is a competent biopic of the first African-American Heisman Trophy winner, Syracuse star running back Ernie Davis, who died of leukemia shortly after his outstanding college career. Goofy personal note: When the commercials for this were airing, my wife and I saw an ad where something got cut off right after the voice-over guy said, "The first African-American," and we entertained ourselves with the notion of someone making a movie about that.

As for the actual movie "The Express," it's a solid football flick that tackles (sorry) racism and makes Davis seems like a swell guy. It hits pretty much all the notes you expect, but there's no real spark, though. I'd recommend it for football fans, but I get the feeling this is a case where if you're really interested, you might be better off just reading a book about Ernie Davis.

The Promotion: This sounds a lot better on paper than it plays on screen: Seann William Scott (OK, maybe it doesn't sound so good on paper after all) and John C. Reilly are in the running for a promotion to manage a supermarket, so they engage in a bit of one-upsmanship to boost their own chances and and discredit each other.

Reilly is awesome, but he's fairly subdued here, and while I respect Scott's own self-tone-down of his standard wise-ass shtick, he can't carry a movie as a regular schlub. You keep hoping "The Promotion" will really take off, but it never offers more than mild amusement. Meanwhile, the movie casts the likable Jenna Fischer as Scott's wife and does almost nothing with her. There is a little bit of tension as Scott takes some financial risks before he actually GETS the promotion, thus endangering his family's future, but there isn't enough of it. This is a likable time-passer if you catch it on TV (and that's not at all difficult if you have HBO and/or Cinemax), not much more.

Panel Discussion: The many powers of Spider-Man

Amazing Spider-Man #14 is a significant issue in the annals of comic book history, not just because it introduces the Green Goblin, but because it introduces a remarkable new super power, one so smartly conceived and so dazzling, I can't believe it's not used more often to this day:


This power has not been used properly since then--well, except once by Judy Landers on an episode of "Madame's Place."

This Week and Last Week in DVD

It's Complicated: Actually, it's pretty simple. If Nancy Myers directs a movie, stay away from it unless you think the actors involved "are a hoot."

Nine: Hey, new to DVD this week is that big musical extravaganza that won all the Oscars a few months ago.

Wait, it didn't? Oh, whoops. Never mind.

Tooth Fairy: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson takes too many more roles like this, and he's gonna have to start beating guys over the head with chairs again. This week is a good example of why those infernal release windows the studios are giving Netflix and Redbox don't always matter much. Another case in point...

Leap Year: We love Amy Adams, but we have to have limits. I could swear I actually saw a print ad carry the pull quote, "Amy Adams is wasted in this dreck!"

Five Minutes in Heaven: Sounds like me in college. I don't even know what that means! This movie is kind of under the radar, to be sure, but Heaven or no, it's got ~NESBITT~, James Nesbitt, and that should be enough for you, pally.

No Time for Sergeants: This Andy Griffith classic is on my list of "Great movies I should have seen all the way through by now" list. Alphabetically, it comes right after "No Holds Barred."

Saturday Morning Cartoons: 1980s Volume 1: This collection seems to merit a rental, but I refuse to get nostalgic for "Monchhichis." Not gonna do it. Same with "Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos." And that Ed Grimley cartoon. Resistance...weakening...Not gonna get nostalgic for Mr. T...And not for Thundarr--AAAAH! OK, I give up, let me see this.

Honeymooners specials: Two color "Honeymooners" specials from the 1970s. Audrey Meadows is in; Joyce Randolph is not (Jane Kean from the 1960s color episodes is in). Don't get me wrong, I think all 'Mooners stuff should be on DVD, and I want to see these, but I'm really getting impatient for MPI to do a worthwhile definitive repackaging of the Lost Episodes.

Marcus Welby M.D.: Doctor knows best, you know. Shout Factory continues to crank 'em out, adding this amiable medical drama to its roster.

The Facts of Life Season 4: Doing more than just listing this as a new release might tip you off to the fact that I watched wayyyyyy too many reruns of the show in the eighties. So I won't do more than just list it.

Wrestlemania XVI: Notable for featuring Shawn Michaels' last match...until he wrestles again. Retirement in professional wrestling is about as legit as, um, the rest of professional wrestling.

Putting the "America" in "BBC America"

So guess what show BBC America has added to its schedule--twice each weeknight, no less--in some of its valuable prime time lineup space?

No, come on, guess. What series did the American Beeb decide to share with all of us Anglophiles hungry for quality "new to us" programming?

You guessed it: "Star Trek: The Next Generation."

OK, you probably didn't guess it. I hope you didn't. After all, who could expect BBC America to add a show that's not British, has already been played to death, and is already on other networks, anyway?

It's time for us to START expecting that kind of maneuver because it's about time to write off BBC America as a viable source of British entertainment. Oh, there will be occasional treats like "The Inbetweeners," and if you're a fan of "Top Gear" and "Doctor Who," you'll have reason to tune in for the endless edited reruns on the American Beeb, but the slow, steady decline of this channel is becoming an...an...an avalanche (I was trying to think of a cool British expression there, but I just decided to say "avalanche" with an accent instead).

Seriously, "Star Trek"? And not even the classic one, but the fake one? I'll spare you the story of how I learned to hate "Next Generation" at college when a group of students rushed into the TV lounge each night after dinner to reserve the TV for it instead of "Beavis and Butt-head." No, I'll just tell you that the other day I watched "A Piece of the Action," the old-school "Trek" episode featuring Vic Tayback as Roaring Twenties-style gangster. Did the "Next Generation" ever have an episode with Vic Tayback, period? No. End of discussion.

"Trek" is wildly inappropriate for BBC America, or at least the BBC America I want to have. It's moves like this that make me wish I had the guts (and the indifference to sports and TCM) to cancel my cable service. What, the show "fits" because some British dude plays the ship's captain? In that case, I have some other programming suggestions for the network. How about "The Jeffersons"? It had that weird British neighbor that walked on George's back. Or why not show "Friends"? They went over to London for a few episodes, right? And, hey, why not add reruns of "American Idol"? They sing British songs on there all the time!

I will give BBC America credit for filling 10 hours a week without Gordon Ramsay, but this is just too much. I know that on weeknights, I'm going to boldly go where so many others have gone before: to other channels.