Half-Assed Gourmet: Chain Restaurants

OK, a lot of of you out there probably loathe so-called "neighborhood casual" chain restaurants--you know, your Friday's, Ruby Tuesdays, Chili's, and so on. It's quite cool to rag on them, not at all cool to praise them. Well, you won't me see dumping on these places. Sure, they offer a homogenized menu with little to distinguish one from the other. But isn't that kind of the point? A little familiarity isn't always a bad thing, and if the food is good and reasonably priced, I'm happy. I'll let others bemoan the dumbing down of America and that sort of thing.

A few weeks ago, I went to an Applebee's as part of a family experience, and you know what?

It was really good.

I have encountered mediocrity at Applebee's before, and it would never have been near the top of my To-Go list. But I was hesitant not because it was a generic chain eatery, but because it just wasn't all that great. If you don't like this kind of place because you dislike the food, hey, that's your right. If you prefer to make healthier, tastier meals at home, more power to you. But I had a tasty, wayyyyy unhealthy meal at Applebee's, and I loved it. I'd go again. I kind of want to, in fact.

They have this 2 for $20 deal, and with it I got (sharing some of it with the other half of my "2") fried shrimp; fried mozzarella sticks; french fries; and to wash it down, a delicious, refillable glass of fried iced tea.

OK, just kidding about the tea, which was indeed delicious, but not fried. Come to think of it, maybe the reason I had such a great time at The App* was because it had been a while since I had enjoyed such an assemblage of fried crap in one sitting.

Still, it counts. It was a good meal, it was cheap, and the service was outstanding. So here you go, world, here is one person saying something good about Applebee's on The Internet. I don't think it's happened before, I doubt it will happen again, but that's the word I'm spreading today.

(*"The App" is the cool, hip shorthand label I just created for the chain. Feel free to use it, Applebee's marketing wizards, in exchange for a freebie every now and then.)

Panel Discussion: World's Finest

One of the funnies things about the Silver Age version of "World's Finest"--and oh, there are many--is that it seems like Superman and Batman spend more time trying to fool Lois Lane than they do chasing villains. Take a look at these consecutive panels from issue #71, as reprinted in "Showcase Presents World's Finest" Volume 1. Batman, trying to convince Lois he's Superman to protect the Man of Steel's secret identity, is effortlessly hauling around big furniture and a moving van while helping her move. OR IS HE?



...And that we snuck into Lois' bedroom last night and performed surgery on her optic nerve to alter her eyesight. And that we built a time machine and went back 5 years to when she got some of her the stuff and replaced it in the stores with lighter copies. And that we...

I think these panels are even funnier the less context you give the, but I think you get the idea of what's going on here. At some point, no matter how many complications it causes, no matter how difficult it will make life for those involved, it's gotta be easier just to go ahead and tell Lois, "Yeah, Clark Kent is Superman. You got it."

(Not to mention the fact that if Lois is so blind she can't discern a fake van from a real one or papier-mache copies of her personal belongings from the real deal, well, they probably could have found a much simpler way to deceive her.)

My wife reads "People" so you don't have to

In this space I am often less than complimentary to "People" magazine, but this time I come to praise the publication. Its August 3 issue does indeed have a ridiculous cover story about the dude from "Twilight" and his MESSY LOVE LIFE (I did not read this story, but my wife assures me it is ridiculous). However, it gives props to Walter Cronkite as well, giving him a small but significant pic in the upper left on the cover.

Inside, there is a modest but tasteful tribute article with pictures. It's not a huge farewell, but it's something.

Contrast this to sister mag "Entertainment Weekly," which gave the legendary newsman no cover mention and one less-than-a-full-page story inside. That "story" wasn't even an obituary or an appreciation by a TV critic or someone who knows something about journalism (probably not many of them left in the EW rolodex). It was a series of brief excerpts from one of Cronkite's own books. "Cronkite In His Own Words."

So "Entertainment Weekly" didn't even bother to do its own writing.

Big-time edge goes to "People" here. I give it a hearty pat on the back, which just happens to make it easier for me to swat the 'Twilight" dude's picture across the room.

This Week in DVD

Obsessed: If you thought "Fatal Attraction" just wasn't FIERCE enough, well, here you go, it's Beyonce's turn. As for Idris Elba, at some point Stringer Bell must have figured, "I'm never gonna do anything as good as The Wire again, so hell with it," and I can't say I blame him.

The Soloist: So i guess the fact this is on DVD now after being out just a few months ago means Jamie Foxx isn't gonna win another Oscar. Bummer. He played a mentally ill homeless dude for nothing.

Labor Pains: This Lindsay Lohan vehicle, originally intended as a theatrical release, comes to DVD after premiering on ABC Family. How far has your career fallen when straight to video would be a step UP?

Race to Witch Mountain: I don't know why The Rock is in such a darned hurry to get there, but if the witches look like Kristin Chenoweth or Nona, I can understand.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh: An adaptation of Michael Chabon's first novel, but given the terrible reviews this movie received, I don't know that the author is spreading the word about it so much.

The Love Boat Season 2 Volume 2: Here's a perfect example of the unjust nature of Paramount's heinous split-season strategy: "Love Boat" fans have been waiting for months to see the continuation of the intricate storylines and subtle character developments established in the first half of Season 2.

Harvard Beats Yale 29-29: I don't know much about this documentary, but Netflix sure seems to think I'll like it. Maybe I'll rent it just to see how the game turns out.

Actors and Sin: I know even less about this, but it's a double feature with Eddie Robinson and Eddie Albert in Ben Hecht stories. That's got to be worth a look-see.

Icons of Screwball Comedy Volumes 1 and 2: A great release from Sony, which is really digging into the vaults and filling the void left this year by Warner Brothers. I must admit that while I enjoy "screwball comedies" and understand the label, it often takes about 10 minutes of the movie before I quit anticipating Daffy Duck or Woody Woodpecker to bolt across the screen.

5Q Movie Review: Up

Q: After much deliberation, you chose this as the movie to see on your birthday and the first one you had seen in a theater for over a year. Was it worth it?
A: Absolutely! The fact that it could well be the only movie I see in 2009 should not diminish its current status as Cultureshark's Best Movie of 2009. It's an amazing experience that evokes all kinds of emotions and offers the fun of a summer movie without sacrificing the story quality you expect from Pixar. It's up there with their best, and that's saying something.

Q: So this isn't just for kids, then?
A: No way. In fact, if anything, it may be too sophisticated for little kids. Some of the themes in "Up" will stick far more for the older folks in the audience than they will for the young'uns. And unlike in "Finding Nemo," there aren't a bunch of pretty fish to look at. This is not to say the movie is not appropriate for all ages.

Q: I heard that there are some saaaaad parts to this movie. What's "Up" with that? Ha! Notice that little joke there?
A: Very little. Anyway, yes, there is a montage near the beginning that tells the story of the marriage of Ed Asner's character, and it is staggering in its impact, yet its done with a delicacy and beauty such that it never seems too manipulative. It establishes this latest Pixar effort as a film with real resonance, and sure enough, the rest lives up to that by offering some thoughtful messages about how we live our lives, what is important to us, and how we process things.

Q: Hey, you're making this sound like some kind of art film instead of a big blockbuster animated film with pretty computer art. You did say this was fun, right?
A: Of course it is! I tried to go into "Up" knowing as little as possible--about the movie, wise guy--and I was pleasantly surprised at the scope it achieves within the framework of a charming story about an elderly guy and a plucky but pestering boy scout. Yeah, they go up in the air, propelled by balloons, and of course they squabble with each other...but there is a significant action element to the story. It's touching and heartfelt and "small" in the best sense of the word, but at times it's thrilling and raucous and big.

Q: OK, you're clearly a huge mark for Pixar. Is there anything they can do to screw up right now?
A: Hmm. A lesser studio would emphasize the wacky animal character Kevin, pushing the creature up front to provide a bunch of kiddie-friendly big moments instead of keeping it in acceptable doses as a supporting player. A lesser studio would crank up the "name" factor in the voice casting instead of building the movie around the "sort of iconic but hardly A-list at the box office" Ed Asner--who is perfect. A lesser studio would favor juvenile humor and story elements rather than the more sophisticated kind of "all ages" approached used here.

Fortunately, Pixar is not a lesser outfit, but one of the best things going together. An "off" movie for them is something like the still-enjoyable "Cars," and more often, we get something like the wonderful "Up."

Vault of Coolness: Star Trek "A Private Little War"

Recently, for professional reasons, I revisited the only "Star Trek" series that matters, the one known as TOS, or The Original Series, but which I simply call "Old-School Star Trek." Really, it should just be Star Trek, period, but there are so many different versions out there, I feel I have to make the distinction.

I'm stretching the definition of the Vault of Coolness here because while I have it and many other episodes on tape via G4's uncut run a few years ago, I didn't watch this episode that way. But I could have, so let's pretend it did indeed come from the fabled Cultureshark Archives, AKA the Vault. Official Site Archivist and custodian of the vault Pappy McGillicuddy has no problem with that. Do you, Pappy?

"No, sirree!"
--Pappy.

I want to say a few words about "A Private Little War" because it must surely be one of the kinkiest "Treks" ever, and that's saying something. After beaming down to the primitive planet Neural, Kirk finds a pastoral society where his old pal Tyree lives. Years ago, doing a "survey" on the planet, Jim befriended Tyree. Anyone want to bet the survey as interpreted by Kirk focused on mating rituals of Neuralian females?

The hill people are warring with the village people--note my lack of capitalization; they don't break into "Macho Man" at any time--who are being armed by the Klingons. So Kirk decides the only way to fulfill the Prime Directive to not interfere is...to interfere by giving the hill people equal access to weapons. Don't ask me to explain it.

More important than the political allegory of this episode is the sexual allegory. In their initial foray to the planet, Spock is shot and must be beamed back up. We'll get back to kinky ol' Spock later. Beaming back down later, Kirk and McCoy encounter a goofy-looking beast, and the captain is poisoned by a bite from its fangs. Dr. McCoy is unable to help him, and they can't contact the Enterprise, so they find Kirk's old pal Tyree so that his witch wife Nona can help him.

And what a witch she is! As played by frequent 1960s TV guest star Nancy Kovack, Nona must be one of the sexiest "Trek" babes ever. Sure, she's a scheming plotter determined to pull strings and assert power over the planet by any means necessary, but who cares when she walks around in tight leather pants?

She also explains that in curing Kirk, he will become HERS, and they will be forever linked as a result of the ceremony. This conversation takes place right in front of her husband, who seems OK with it. Our man James T., of course, would be willing to give this a shot even if he weren't dying rapidly and in desperate need of her cure.

So then you have Nona's ridiculous "cure" of a poisoned Kirk, complete with theatrical writhing and groaning as she lays down next to him and performs this "ceremony." They don't even try to hide the sexual parallel there, and it all culminates in her collapsing, spent, next to him (practically atop him) as Tyree presumably remembers the many times he saw this happen last time Kirk was on Neural.

Later, Nona starts to seduce Kirk with the aid of her witchcraft, and Tyree sees them and gets jealous and skulks off. I have a feeling THIS kind of thing happened a lot to Tyree and Kirk last time he was on Neural as well.

Still later, Nona runs away from Tyree's hill people and approaches 3 villagers, offering them Kirk's phaser to advance their side's arsenal, when they proceed to grope and attack her in what would clearly be a gang-rape situation. I don't mean to joke about this aspect of the episode. Jeez, it's kind of intense.

Meanwhile, Spock is semi-conscious on the Enterprise in the care of Nurse Chapel, who clearly pines for him. Annoyingly so, really. When he is on the verge of recovery, a prone Spock asks Chapel to hit him, saying that the pain helps him focus back to consciousness. So the "Vulcan self-healing" involves him telling Nurse Chapel to hit him harder and harder until it jolts him back to, well, some semblance of normality.

A doctor on board (I'd name him, but, come on, he's not McCoy) had already told Nurse Chapel to do whatever Spock tells her to do during his recovery. She didn't think she'd have a problem with that, but then, she wasn't expecting a sadomasochistic ritual as part of their first date. And why should she? The doc, who knew a lot more about that wacky Vulcan physiology than he let on, conveniently forgets to mention that part.

So in the span of 50 minutes, we get lust, adultery, rape, S&M, and that's just the more explicit stuff. As I dig into those G4 tapes and revisit the series I watched as a kid, I may find this episode unexceptional, but right now I find it hard to believe this represents just a routine entry in the Captain's Log.